Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

Everywhere I turn i see a twilight poster or a tshirt or a billboard or something! Whats the big deal with this??? I did a little research and it's a love story between a vampire a werewolf and some teen girl? Is this a joke?

I've recently seen Dracula so I feel I'm well aquainted with vampires and I've got to say I'm not too impressed. I've run into my share of teen girls, and while they look OK most the time once they open their mouth you'd better hope you've got a pair of earplugs! I don't really know too much about werewolves or love so I decided to pop this one in and get it over with.

Apparently this is part two in a three part series. I missed the first one, though i'm using missed very loosely here!

The plot goes like this: There's this weird lady who is intent on killing Bella (the teenage girl) for seemingly no reason. My guess is she finally realized how annoying teenage girls are and decided to start with some random average girl? I'm not sure but seems logical enough. Both the vampire (not dracula) and the werewolf (maybe The Werewolf) are wanting to protect her. Here's where it gets really weird. Both these guys are like really old. So they're pedophiles? This is what hollywood is making? Pedophile love stories? I don't get it.

Eventually there's this big show down between the vampires/werewolves and these baby vampires that are made out of glass and the "good guys"(pedophiles) win and shatter them all up real good. This part is made even weirder by the fact that the directer (david spade? what the heck? I guess after Chris Farley died he lost his star power and had to resort to filming this kind of stuff? wow.) really loves the opening scene to the X-Men show from the 90's. The way they fight is they both line up and then run at each other and the "bad guys" (non-pedophiles) always lose because they're made out of glass. Finally the movies over after a few false endings and the credits roll Never have I been so happy to see a movie end.




If you've sat through this pile of garbage you know what i'm talking about!!

I can't believe this movie made so much money. And it's mostly teen girls who go see it! Are they all into pedophiles or something or are they just so desperate to see a vampire kiss someone they are willing to part with their hard earned baby sitting money. don't ask me!

This movie deserves my lowest score available, ** two stars for romantisizing pedophilia, ripping off the opening scene to a 20 year old cartoon and for just plain boring the heck out of me!!!

Be back soon

Sorry for the lack of movie reviews lately! Got too busy! I'll be watching some movies VERY SOOn!!!

In the meantime keep up with me on my new daily dairy that Square Magazine is having me do

Skyline (2010) (PART TWO)

jUST (oops, freakin caps lock button!) let me start over

Just in case you missed part one, you better click here right now and read it!!!

After so much wait and anticipation for me to finally see past the 20 minutes I hat already seen I should have just let it go! Definately not worth my time!!! There's a lot to say about this so it's a little longer than my usual reviews, so if you need to go to the bathroom or grab a drink go do it real quick!!

The big bad guy in this movie is a blue ray (blue ray... viral marketing by Sony? no thanks i fell for the big DVD scam already, who the heck wants physical media??) anyway... the bad guy is this blue ray that these insect ships that the director Brother Strause. (What kind of name is brother?? A college nick name?? Real professional dude...) stole from The Matrics. When you look at the Blue Ray you go all crazy and turn into like a half dog or something. These peoeple really need to look into those blue blocker sunglasses.




Blue blockers as sported by this weirdp sex criminal in his grandma's RV

These aliens also eat peoples brains so they're like zombies too?? I Dunno. Also there is a part where one of the characters is having an affair with his maid. Uhm good job stealing a storyline from "Seinfeld".

The director also seemed to do everything he could do stretch this movie out as far as he could. The movie starts showing the blue rays first appear then goes back in time 15 hours and shows us this random party with some rich people and then shows the opening scene again. What the heck??? They also put several short scenes in slow motion for no reason other than to stretch this 30 minute idea into feature length.

Then after a bunch of nothing happens the director must have accidently found out about the fast faward feature on his video editing computer because before you know it we're treated to the sun rising in fast motion, then the events of the characters afternoon in fast motion. Must be real exciting to discover something that was prominently featured in the 1964 sitcom "THe Munsters".

You could really tell the director was making it up as they were going on. Just a bit after the halfway point the military comes and blows up the aliens and it was almost all over until the director, who seems to have a poor grasp on the films running time, realizes his turd is only 50 minutes long and suddenly decides the alien ship can rebuilt itself and suddenly we're back where we started.

Anyway the film carries on despite the audiences protest for another 30 minutes while the characters keep dwindling and becoming safe not safe back and forth. Suddenly the credits are rolling, but wait! They set it up for a sequel! These people must really have no idea what people want to watch.

Also the guy was slowly transforming into an alien during the movie until he truly was a big scary monster almost exactly like the movie "The Fly". It even had almost the same ending as the fly (the 80s version not the black and white one!!!)

No exageration... this could be from both "The Fly" and "Skyline" movie endings.

In conclusion this film seems to rip off not only THe Matrix, amd "The Fly", but "Seinfeld" and to a lesser degree "The Munsters". It is also a shameless vehicle to promote Sony's media format Blue Ray. Then to patch everything together they took story elements from "Independance Day" and Mars Attacks!". This is probably the least original thing I have every watched. This turd deserves my lowest possible score.** Two stars

Skyline (2010) (PART ONE)

Since my Grandma dragged me out to see Burlesque recently I finally convinced her to make it up to me after i was constantly complaining that she owed me a real movie. I picked the movie this time (as she first suggested we see tangled... NO THANKS)

Skyline was an obvious choice because of the glowing reviews and all the hype surrounding it. I could hardly wait! This was saturday night and I was excited! We get there and Grandma buys the tickets, and actually offers to buy snacks and drinks! I was blown away! She's either slipping deeper into dementia or she's just excited to be outside the houes.




We get our seats and the movie begins. We don't get very far into it (maybe like 20 minutes...) and grandma yanks me out of the theater! She is disgusted that i would want to see such "filth".  she flips out All because there was some swearing, alcohol drinking and a scene where a bunch of people watch a guy going down on another guy through a telescope that lasts about 20 seconds. I forgot her last glimpse into the modern world was probably silent films and she's unaware of what people are doing these days. The whole ride home she's yelling at me! I sure was glad to get back home and slam the door.

Then guess what! She wakes me up early Sunday morning to go to church!!!! I had to iron my shirt!!!!! I really haven't been this pissed in my life to be honest...

Church wasn't too bad, my first time. The preacher was up there swearing like a mad man, saying words like "hell" "damn" and i think he might have said "ass"!!! I was laughing my head off. Then there were donuts! I ate as many as i could and put the rest in our car for later.

You're probably wondering what all this has to do with a movie review. Well if you haven't noticed it's only part one... when we got back grandma said I couldn't use the computer until Tuesday (today). What the heck... I've been able to sneak and get on a little but not enough to write a full review>.

Anyway I've got a torrent downloading right now so i'll actually be able to watch this thing and I'll post my full review later... just wanted everyone to know I haven't forgotten about reviewing.

Superman Returns (2006)

I found this movie in the dollar bin at the local DVD store and decided to give it a try. I thought it'd be a decent action flick and you can't lose for just a dollar... boy was i wrong!!

Things that cost $1 that I would rather have:

• candy bar
• a candle
• pack of paper
• a greeting card
• manila envelopes

The list could go on but I think i'd better get to the review! The film starts out introducing us to lex luther supermans arch-enimy. We know other bad guys like the Joker who is a pyscho maniac who kills people, magneto who wants to cleanse the world of non mutants, and the Green Goblin who has super strength and blows stuff up all the time. Then we have Lex Luther who is seen gaining his wealth by giving an old lady "pleasure". You know what I mean! This is SUpermans scaries villian??

lex luther is a bad guy because he's bald and likes old ladies like this one

Speaking of superman it takes like 35 minutes before he's even in the movie. Did they forget what the movie was about and all of a sudden teh director was like "uh oh! we forgot superman!"? Probably!

From here it gets better, but better brings it up to only just below the mediocre line. Lex builds this island out of kryptonite because he doesn't want to live near superman and superman decides to go there anyway and loses all his powers. LEx and and his friends start just kicking him and stuff and despite the fact that none of them are really above average in stregth superman like flies dozens of feet in the air with every punch. Does kyrptonite also make him weigh like 2 pounds?? I dunno...

Then all ogf a sudden we learn lois lanes kid is actually superman and not her husbands. What the heck???? Who wrote this thing? How the heck does an alien have a baby with a human?? Did anyone who wrote this film even once take a biology class in high school or are they all drop outs???? Also why is this movie almost 3 hours long??

Also if hes an alien shouldnt he look like this or something?

So from here superman saves the day but he almost dies first but guess what he doesnt really die!!

This movie deserves a low score for making a movie about lex luthors weird old lady fetish alone, but it also featured superman's son, unrealistic portrayal of aliens, his weird new plastic costume (maybe to look more like an action figure so kids will want the toys more?) and a full half hour of the movie that didnt even mention superman. This movie is so bad it probably will ruin the chance of them ever making a "Batman" movie. I give it my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Burlesque (2010)

My grandma surprised me yesterday by actually offering to take me to see a movie!!! I was surprised as heck! Instead of her blowing her taxpayer funded socials security checks on antiques and telethons she was actually going to something nice for someone else! I Guess she felt guilty about cancelling my allowence!

So then comes the next shock: she wants to see this movie called burlesque!! I knew i heard thtat name before so i told her to hold on a sec and ran to my computer and did a quick search. Burlesque was stripping!!!!! My grandma was going to take me to see a movie about (and most likely featuring) stripping!! That would mean I would be seeing boobs today. Suddenly everything seemed pretty OK in my book!!!

Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get there and sit down and Gradnma was so glad I came she actually bought me snacks and and a drink! I was begining to think it was time to drop her off at the old folks home when the movie began. What the heck?? Who makes a movie about stripping and fills it with old ladies and bloated weirdos?? WWas my grandma trying to torture me or someting?? 

this is one of the "hot ladies" featured in this disaster 

This movie featured nothing but eleberate sttage and dance numbers featuring some of the WORST songs i've ever heard. (i'm usually more interested in classical musc) 

this one has been left in the sun too long

The movie follows this annoying waitress who doesn't ever shut up who wants to go to LA and make someone listen to her yell-sing. We have to watch as this unlikable character works her way up to the top and sings at this place she's working. Some times i'd look over at my grandma and she'd be snapping her fingers to the songs and dancing a little. It was the worst day of my life.

There's not even any nudity in this "FILM". Worst peice of garbage ever made and I hope everyone involved falls down several flights of stairs! I give this peice of garbage my lowest possible score, ** two stars

I'm writing another letter to my congressman to ask him to seriously consider taking away my grandmas social security checks

ThanksKilling (2009)

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow I decided to watch something to celebrate the season. Unfortunately, much to my surprise, no one has made any Thanksgiving themed movies! What the heck is with that? We have like 10000000000000000000000000000000 christmas movies, a few dozen halloween movies, easter specials and movies ECT ECT but no thanksgiving movies/ what theheck

except for one; ThanksKilling. A movie about what happens when the turkey fights back. I thought this sounded like a great horror flick and excitedly downloaded it from my favorite torrent site (piratebay)

Unfortunately this movie blows!!!! There's like NO budget. TTo celebrate the first Thanksgiving movie they could have at least went to the bank and got a loan or something instead of just all putting their christmas bonuses from Long John Silvers together and producing this turd!!!

Not only does the movie look cheap (the turkey is a handpuppet!!!! and poorly made too has anyone involved with the movie even seen a turkey??/) but also it's totally unbelievable, even by horror movie standards. There's a scene where the turkey kills one of the character's father and then just slices his face off and puts it over his, but still leaves his turkey body. and no one notices! did they ever stop to think about how that would never possibly happen IRL (in real life)???




THIS is what a turkey looks like! mail this image to the "film makers'' who did this movie ASAP!!!

Then the whole movie focuses on finding out the ellaberate way to kill the turkey and do it. then they do it and surprise! the turkey is back again!!!!!!!! Then they set it up for a sequel! I HATE WHen movies do that!! Especially when the firs tmovie is so terrible!!!!

This movie is a total disgrase not only to the horror genre, but to the first Thanksgiving movie. If done well it could have become a family tradition nationwide! But it wont now! Also it's like barely over an hour long. Were they even trying??? What a waste of my time. I'm giving this b(t)i(u)rd my lowest possible rating, ** two stars

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part one)

Harry potter's first book was first published in 1997. It's now 2010 and we're still hearing about this dork!!!!!!!! Hollywood is trying to squeeze all the money out of this one as possible. In fear of having to think of a new idea to fill their future filming schedules they did something desperate. They split up the last book into two movies. what the heck????? Also since it's been so long popularity is starting to fall fast and there's lots of annoying things they threw in this movie to try and get a new crowd in.

Nothing really happens in this movie. They walk around and talk a lot, and every now and then the director wakes up and throws in some short lived action scenes. The most action packed part of the movie was the credits, the way they flew from the bottom of the screen to the top almost took my breath away after watching this snoozer!!!!!

This whole movie felt like DVD out takes of stuff that should have been cut, but they (hollywood USA) decided to bloat this dud as fat as they could in order to get two for the price of one! Scenes of Harry going somewhere to give his parents grave some flowers, Harry and Hermione's five minute dance scene, Harry digging a hole, Rons entire nap and pretty much the rest of this movie could have been cut. It went no where!!!!!!!!!!

There was also a lot of stuff they threw in to try and get the Twilight fans in theater seats. They added a lot of shirtless scenes of Harry and Ron (which grossed me the heck out!!) and a nude scene with Harry and Hermione making out. They also threw in the word "Twilight" several times, even making a big deal about the words use to make people really notice!! Was that really necessary??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




your average twilight fan

Another thing that bothered me was You could easily tell a girl wrote the books because all the men characters seem weak compared to Hermione (who's name isn't too different from Heroine) and the evil Bellatrix Lestrange who makes the weak men counterparts tremble when she's around. Sounds like someone had daddy issues!!!!!! (btw i just check and JK is divorced. No surprise there!)




enjoy the single life!

So in summary, this movie sufferes from being split in two, lots of useless "Twighlight" references, and some weird feminist propoganda. This film certainly deserves my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Dig! (2004)

Lately I've been asking for suggestions from my dear readers for movies to review. My goal is to find at least one movie i like! So far no luck. But "Do not give up!" george Washington *our first president* once said.

Todays review, for the movie "DiG!" (thats how they write the movie's name, don't blame me!) comes from some crook that calls himself "kliksf". I should have known what I was in for since this clown can't even give me a real name!!!!!!!!! 

He actually gave me like a whole paragraph of fine films to review, i chose this one because i thought it would be about digging or coal mines or something exciting. I couldn't figure out what the heck they were trying to do with this movie. It's kind of a rip off of the movie "Spine Tap" a "mock"umentry about a fake 80s band. I guess they were trying to out do that film by making it about two fake bands who are stuck in the 60's!




I would have rather watched a movie about this

So anyway the camera crew follows around these two bands as they play to empty rooms and pretend that people like them. Great idea for a movie! At least with spine tap they actually tried to be funny. (but failed because british people are never funny!!!) 

The characters are so over the top they aren't even believable. No way anyone could be this whiney and self important! It was such a snooze fest I found myself often times just refreshing twitter to see if there was anything more interesting going on!

Eventually the two bands get in a fight. There's one "wacky" "genious" that is turned into the villain while the others are turned into the one you're supposed to sympathize with (probable because a girl is in that band and they're trying to push a lesson on us like never be mean to girls) Holylwood cant tell a story without trying to push some biblical lesson or product on us!!!



apparently showers werent in the films budget!!


Because this movie is unoriginal and fails at comedic intent, pushes a lame lesson that would feel more at place in a 60s after school special (maybe because the bands would feel more at home in the 60s they were trying to tie it all together??? i doubt they were that inteligent) and for having no likable characeters i must give this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Speed Racer (2008)

As I was going through my requests today to see which movie I would review I noticed someone had suggested the 2008 film "Speed Racer".

I have boycotted this "film" since it was first announced. Wachowski brothers, best known for their groundbreaking films like "Fargo", "No Country for Old Men", and "Oh brother, Where are thou?", decided to go in a little bit of a different direction with this action packed racing flick.

The reason I boycotted this absolute peice of garbage is because i refuse to watch movies that glamorize the use of drugs to enhance someone so they can win a race!!! Making this film about the abuse of performance enhancing drugs probably led to the 2009 catastrophie of Michael Phelps using marijuana to help him swim faster.

The olympics happened around the same time this movie came out on DVD. I doubt there was anything coincidental about all that.

There are also a few other problems I found with this movie. What the heck were the Wachowski brothers thinking?? After making arty films for college students to talk about, they made this one which was definately a departure from their style. I honestly don't knwo what they were thinking and it must have lost them a lot of money because they returned to form soon after.

Another obvious thing about this is it seems like they were trying to capitalize on the anime craze that was going on at the time by styling this movie like some sort of sci fi anime from Japan. What the heck? I'm surprised they didn't use their film technologie to make their eyes bigger and add those sweat drops on everyone!!! 

Oh a japanese movie, wait no it was made in ameracia!!!!

It may seem unfair to review a movie I haven't seen, but I don't want my money to go in some child raping drug trafficker's pockets by renting this and it's hard to argue the points i've come across. I doubt I even have to write this, but this film deserves my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)

aS mentioned in my last post, I'm on a mission to find at least ONE movie that I like. I'm taking suggestions from my beloved readers, who are aiding in my quest. Today's suggestion comes from some sick sadomasochist named Rick who suggested "Hard Ticket To Haiwaii". I asked people to recommend their favorite movies, but this prankster either has some sort of majer brain problems or sent me a dud on purpose to waste my time!



this jerk wasted my time!!!!


I've never even heard of this one before, and now I know why!!! Within the first minute we are introduced to a topless woman, in fact this film is filled with bikini clad and topless women. If I hadn't spent countless hours exposing myself to pornography i wouldnt be desensitized to all that and might have gotten at least some joy from the women.

Apparently all of Hawaii there are only like 5 residents and a few tourists. All of the island is policed by two dimwitted lesbians. I feel like I need to mention at this point that this is not a spoof movie like "scarry movie" and it's not a porno. It was actually in theaters.


Pictured above, the lesbian police officers.

Eventually the plot starts to slowly trickle in and some guys on a boat send a toy helicopter to the middle of some forest where the lesbians are hiking through. They find some bags on it and take it. Before they can leave some dudes jump them, they throw a stick and a chinese star a them and get away. When confronting their boss later he mentions that it looks like they had almost been killed. What the heck??? Did they have a 20 minute deadline when writing this thing??

There's also weird skits thrown in, like one where some lady meets up with a fast talking new york television director who attempted to rape her the previous night for lunch. When she mentions the attempted rape he says "that was last night this is today.There's also a scene where some guys dance around on a boat making fun of chinese people.  what the heck??? The movie box said that this was action adventure movie but it seems like its trying harder to be a comedy. But the real problem is the comedy isn't funny and the only action adventure part is a 5 minute frisbee throwing contest!!!



this guy has some pretty fancy moves, but it's not worth watching the whole movie for!!


The plot is the girls found diamonds on that helicopter and some BAD GUYS want them!! It also has stuff like snakes that have been tainted by cancer infested rats and really cheap spy equipment a sprinkled in to keep things "interesting".

This movie is filled with bad acting, bad jokes, unknown actors, and to top it off it was directed by the black sheep of the sadaris family. I hope that rick guy falls off a cliff!!! If it wasn't already obvious, I will be giving this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.


Hopefully the next suggestion will be better!

Are there any good movies???

If you've been keeping up with my blog (and if not, what the heck is wrong with you???) then you should know I haven't found too many movies that i've been fond of. Hollywood only seems to release sequels, prequels, weird arty movies that don't make any sense, and either direct remakes or movies that just rip the plot off of something.

This is where you come in dear reader: I need you to suggest me your favorite movie to review so that maybe i can find a movie i like...

it could be a long shot but i think it'll be worth it. not just for me (dings, my name is dings, hi!) but for USA and the rest of the world!!!

So either send me an email at dingyathome@gmail.com or leave a comment here on the blog

IM COUNTING ON YOU!!!

Toy Story 3 (2010)

In order to score some easy cash, I volunteered to babysit my nephew. Since he's a kid i grabbed a copy of the Toy Story 3 DVD that came out today from a torrent site and headed over. I saw the first Toy Story fifteen years ago, it seemed like an OK movie but I was just a dumb kid so who knows. This movie definately wasn't "OK" It was quite the opposite! According to www.rhymezone.com words and phrases that can mean exactly the opposite as okay are disapprove and reject and i certainly disapprove of this reject!!

This movie has several flaws. The most obvious one is the fact that this movie is the most blatant excuse to sell toys to kids i've ever seen! A movie about a rag tag team of toys where they are contstantly showing off their features! I'm tempted to write a letter to my senator. 

this is my senator. remember to vote republican today!! pictured with him is his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson.

Another obvious one is this one is another awful unnecessary sequel. Disney loves making sequels and as soon as they bought Pixar the sequels have begun to churn out. Coming next year Cars 2! I can't wait!!!!!!

Lets move on to the story. It's about a group of inanimate objects that are loyal to their owner and cross a long distance to find him, find many hardships, encounter evil toys and end up in the dump, only to be saved. Sound familiar? If you're thinking it does it's because its the exact same plot as The Brave Little Toaster!!!

All new movies are either remakes of things from the 80's or blatent rip offs of things from the 80s. Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice??

In the brave little toaster the appliances leave their house, have harsh travels, and eventually wind up in a place they think is good until they realize their new friends are actually evil and send them off to the dump. Later their master finds them and the appliances live happily ever after.

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only good that (almost) came out of this won was i convinced my nephew that growing up means getting rid of toys and moving on to grown up stuff. He's only 6 but I figured it's good to start early! Also his dad had given him all his vintage star wars toys from the 70's and since he wasn't needing them anymore i volunteered to take them off his hands. (time for ebay account!!! $$$$$$$$) I found a few of his dad's old college text books and traded them to him and bagged up the toys. When his dad finally decided to come home I grabbed my bag and headed out. Unfortunately he got all nosey when he saw his son ripping the pages out of his old textbooks and started asking questions. Now I'm not allowed to babysit anymore!!! GREAT!!!!

also could the pixar animated logo at the beginning of the movie be any longer??? it's almost its own feature length movie!

Because this is another souless cash grabbing story stealing sequel, and one that is invented to sell toys it's a no brainer to award this one with my lowest possinle score, ** two stars.

Saw 3D (2010)

What a wild night I had last night!!! My grandma thought since i spend so much time watching movies by myself that I was lonely!! So she sets me up on a blind date with some girl that goes to her church! GREAT. Grandma sure has been doing as much as she can to screw up my loife! At least I was able to con her out of 40$ to pay for the tickets (and I pocketed the rest!)

I go pick up this girl, she says shes ok with scary movies so I promptly suggest Saw 3D. She hadn't heard of it but agreed and I bought the tickets. She seemed OK except she kept going on and on and stuff her and her friends do! I haven't even met these people and I already hate them! Unfortunately when she asked what i did i mentioned this blog and after the movie she went home and read it. I had forgotten that I had voiced my opinion on women in yesterdays post and she texted me and said a few choice words of her own and now im not allowed to get in contact with her. OH WELL.

Lets get to the movie. I had never seen any saw movies before but I heard they were pretty wild! The movie starts with a girl getting sliced up by her two current boyfriends for revenge. Pretyt gory stuff but I thought she deserved it.




the scariest part of this movie waas the fact that this characters face kinda looked like my grandma...

I guess the theater was too cold or something because that girl kept like hugging on to me for warmth. I suggested she take my jacket so we could enjoy our personal space.

Theres not really a whole lot to say about this movie. Theres not good acting, no real story, and just a bunch of people getting mutilated and stuff! I almost puked my guts out!! I know at least my date did a few times, because she ruined a perfectly good bag of popcorn!!!

 Is this some sick sadomasochists sick wet dream or something??? what the heck!!!!!! I guess instead of trying to make a scary story or bother with any story at all they just have this guy walk around a hallway and watching people get killed in some really messed up ways! Maybe the movie studio accidently ordered too much fake blood so they called director Kevin greutert and asked him to get rid of it.

The 3D effects were the same lame 3D effects all 3D movies use, they just stop the movie and chuck stuff into the audience from time to time. Stuff like bullets, lead pipes ect are constantly finding ways to come your way.  Is this really worth the extra 6$ for the effects? i think id rather just hang out with a buddy (if i had one) and we could chuck stuff at each other while smashing ketchup packages. What a wasted night!




3D effects reached their peak in the 3d episode of "Tool Time"

CHeap 3D effects, no story, bad acting, and another uselesss hollywood sequel leave me no choice but to give this my lowest rating yet, ** two stars


PS: Lucy im sorry..

Paranorman Activity 2 (2010)

I finally made it out to see Paranormal activity 2!!! I didnt think iwas going to be able to make it out (I currently have $0.00 to my name) but i happened to find a ten dollar bill in the garbage!!! Talk about my lucky day!! Another mans trash is another mans treasure, true to the word, amen!

Usually i go to the movies during the day for the cheap 5$ matine but since i was sporting a tenner in my pocket i stepped out into the night and saw a late showing. BAD IDEA. When i go before noon i just get to watch it either by myself or with some retired veterans, which are my preferred company because they like being left alone and they stay quiet!!!

This crowd was a bunch of rowdy teens. i slumped into the only empty row and waited for the movie to begin. Behind me were these two teen girls. I learned a lot about girls during the hour the movie played. Turns out they have to say every single thought that pops into their heads, sometimes as many as five times in a row!

Despite the fact that there was never anything going on in the movie both the girls had to team up and put their wits together to try and figure out the plot. One of these girls was constantly asking who the characters on screen were and the other one kept incorrectly guessing what was going to happen next. THIS is why i plan to live my life celibate!!! Girls just don't have any sort of intuactuality, which is a must for me.






Women may seem enticing, until you start talking to one!!!

Lets get to the movie: I never saw the first one so i didnt know what to expect. Instead of using a film crew they set the movie up that the family has a home security system in their house and a teenage daughter who is obsessed with filming every moment of her life. The first half hour of this so called "film" was just the home security cameras cycling between each camera showing the audience how boring these people are.

At this point I'm wondering how the heck did this movie cost 3 million dollars??? There are no famous actors, special effects, or crew to be seen. it looked mostly improvised and i tried to look but i didnt even see much fancy jewelry or things being exploded. Did they just flush the money down the drain for fun????? what the heck?

so anyway finally this demon comes in, and we learn that despite the title this isn't a sequel but a prequel. great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you're like me you're probably hoping the baby dies the whole movie but it doesn't!!! theres just a bunch of doors opening and closing, then the mom gets super over protective and starts flipping out if anyone wants to look at her precious baby. This baby isn't even special, i've seen smarter babies at the morgue! finally the sister shows up and gets all baby crazy at the end and steals the baby away. Where was the paranormal activity???




If you're hoping to see a scary ghost movie, you're better off watching Casper the Friendly Ghost

So to summerize the movie first we get a family hanging out doing nothing, then some doors start opening and closing, then it was just a bunch of baby crazy women flipping out, followed by the end credits. So far this movie has earned 71 million dollars!!!! from now on i'm just going to film people through their windows and mail it to holly wood and sit back and enjoy the cash flow.

I learned a lot about women both from the movie and from the girls behind me but unfortunately that doesnt mean i can give this a good score. If I wanted to watch something like this I could have gotten a security job and just watched the monitors there!!!! Looks like despite my high expectations I must give this one my lowest rating, ** two stars

Laser Guided Reviews: The Shining

Today i'm turning over my blog to my best friend "laser" who wrote this wonderful review of "The sinning":

So, Dings asked me to do a little write up on a horror movie for his internet weblog. I couldn’t really think of a decent one so I rummaged through my “Box ‘o DVD’s borrowed from former roommates (Non-Porn Edition)” and came up with some shitty art house thing called “The Shinning” from like 1962, done by that guy who invented the Rubik’s Cube. (I’m betting it was Daniel’s, that dude seriously cried when we went to go see Up).
I popped the disc in and what my agile young mind was treated to was something like 43 minutes of a car driving. A car. Driving. I mean, were directors even trying back then? I think  maybe once Under Siege came out, directors figured they could never match that, and either killed themselves or started doing boring book adaptations (I mean, didn’t Segal just wreck in that one ( It’s a total shame he died so soon in Executive Decision. But hey, it was for the greater good (obviously Kurt Douglas wasn’t gonna be able to do it by himself (you know, I used to think that was his first movie, but IMDB says it isn’t (Above the Law is))))).
So, I fell asleep at the aforementioned death march that is the opening credits and woke up to a lady that looks like that Muppet I had suppressed sexual urges for, but with black hair and no guitar.




                                                       Coincidence?

She’s talking to Haley Joel Osment (who appeared in the other Rubik movie A.I.D.) about something-or-the-other when Jack Nichols walks in with an axe and starts chopping into a door whilst screaming sitcom slogans. I sat patiently sat waiting for him to yell “dy-no-mite!”, but instead he runs around a large mansion they are stuck in and then dies in a bush maze.




One of these days Alice, I’m gonna bury an axe in your chest!

Yea. That’s it. No ghouls, no zombies, no statuesque-yet-nonthreatening vampires, just a guy with an axe trying to see what on the inside of his family’s skulls, frozen dead. I give this movie 47 lasers. As many of you know, 47 is not nearly enough to take down a cruiser, but enough to do considerable aesthetic and modest structural damage. Please fly to the garage and pay 5609 credits to repair and begin your next mission.


Why did I waste all my credits from the level 3-2 on the “freeze ray”?

Dracula (1931)

The older you get the more you learn. I have recenly learned to never share your interests with anyone over the age of 50. If you read yesterdays post about Frankenstein you should know what I'm talking about. I tell her it was a great film and she believed me. Youll never guess what I came home to today. Not only did she pick up another black and white ancient film called Dracula she also gave me a book of poetry by some guy named Edger Poe. What the heck???? I seriously need to send a letter to the social security offices to let them know she's wasting our hard earned tax dollars!!!

The book went straight into the garbage but I decided to go ahead with the movie since I didnt have any better options. (my friend lazor is out of town for the rest of the week. Some friend!!!)

So this is like a bad version of the more recent bram stroker presents Dracula from the 90's. It seriously contains stuff like bats on strings, Dracula staring at the screen for minutes on end, and no background music AT All. I seriously fell asleep like 3 times and had to keep skipping back to parts I'd missed. Was this movie unfinished and rushed to theAters or did they just not care??? Also this one is also in black and white. that's one shade away from staring at a blank tv screen!!!

Just in case youre curious or think watching classic films will make you seem intellectual (it wont, you pretentious jerk!!!) i've summed up the movie in the following images:












There! Saved you time AND money. You're welcome!

To wrap things up, this really didn't have any redeeming qualities. Supposedly people love this movie but it shares all the same qualities as the bargain bin movies at your local Wal-Mart. It goes without saying that this "film" will revieve my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Frankenstein (1931)

oNCe word of me reviewing scary movies reached my grandma suddenly she's giving me all sorts suggestions. turns out theres no easy way to tell your grammie that her taste in movies stinks!!! luckily she cant actually read this because she cant work a computer and relies on me to print these out for her. (obviously i'll be skipping this one when i bring her my weekly prints)

so i come home today from the grocery store (i go there a few times a day to check all the coin slots on their coke, crane, pony ride ect machines) and find Frankenstein with a big bow on it sitting on my bed. Great! Since I didnt have any money to go to the theaters ( really want to see paranormal activity 2!) i decided why not and popped it in.i'm surprised my grandma actually got a dvd instead of vhs or like an old movie reel or something. (you never know!!!!)

so as you may or may not know this ones a real bore fest. i had to drink like a whole 2 liter of coke just to stay awake!  and like that movie Clerks it's in black and white. great. what the HECK happened with Ted Turners colorvision thing he was always talking about? did he miss one or what???




im as mad as you are ted, where the heck is my color??? i feel like im watching a movie on a gameboy or something

this one is about this unnamed scientist who creates a monster named Frankenstein. Not sure why the name was chosen but my guess is the film producers probably thought the name sounded scary or something.

so the scientist makes this monster, then him and his buddies just gang up on it and beat the crap out of it until it flips out and escapes. im guessing the writer of the film had a bad experience in high school and wrote this movie so people would feel sorry for him. Maybe this kind of stuff got you a hot GF in his day.

eventually the monster runs around and the townsfolk decide that it must die because its different. it grunts and yells and then theres this big climatic scene where they burn down a windmill and they assume the monster has died.

excuse me? where the heck is the horror??? did they think people would be scared because he's all weird looking? i don't get it! how did this movie become so popular? i guess because old people are senile or something.



despite the fact that its probably filled with romance, i would have rather seen the sequel, Bride of Frankenstein. the bride is hot as heck. def. wouldn't have any trouble staying a wake in that one! wonder if that actress is single???


because its utter lack of horror, thrills or chills, the absense of color, the weird name, the feel of a high school coming of age, the senseless killing of frankenstein and the lack of any real reason to sit through this peice of utter garbage i must give this "film" my absolute lowest rating, ** two stars.

Movie Review: The Wolfman (2010)

So, since im doing this movie every day until halloween thing i quickly ran through my movie budget for the rest of the month (after seeing my soul to take twice and Devil). Since my budget was depleted i turned to my friend lazer (not his birth name) to borrow a new-ish horror movie from him. Lazer has like the best DVD collection. Who needs blockbuster when you've got lazer!

So he gives me two things. The Wolfman DVD and a suggestion to check out the song "videogames" by the backout band. I like video games so i watched it. what the heck? a bunch of kids singing about video games. Thanks for wasting my time lazer!!!

so, the wolfman is like all modern movies, a remake!!! universal decided to try and make a few extra bucks and had some hack director and a cast of hack actors that ive never heard of try to make this new movie as close as they can to the original but with like 100$ million worth of special effects. pretty typical stuff if you go to the movies a lot.

so since ive seen a lot of warewolf movies and this one didnt have anything knew i had trouble paying attention. i just kept thinking of that videogame song!!! what the heck was the story behind it???

since i had to see this, you do too

so i grabbed my laptop and did a little research. i came across blackoutband.com which isnt a website for the band, its a website for their song, videogames. what the heck??? as it turns out the genius behind it all is this dude hunter, who, as punishment was told to write a song about video games because of all the time he spent playing video games. then according to the website, everyone started flipping out because it was SO GOOD. they couldnt stop humming it!! The band worked out most the stuff but couldnt come up with any more words (because teenages have no idea how to read or write!!!!!) so hunters mommy wrote the rest for him, and gave him his jammies out of the dryer, along with some cookies and milk then kissed him goodnight. 

so the fab three played at their local talent show in school and, again according to their website, everyone started flipping out EVEN THE TEACHERS. they decided then it was time to make a video and record 3 more songs (instead of bothering to make an album!!!)

someone had rich parents who were trying to live their dreams through their children!!! we should lock up all involved parties and throw away the key!!!!!

so i didnt bother listening to the rest of the songs but i did notice that the group is for hire for TEEN PARTIES if you're planning on throwing one maybe hire them???

so as for the movie, it was nothing but pure garbage, another remake or maybe theyre calling it a sequel i dont know. a guy turns into a warewolf, gets killed by a mob, and repents. there is a howl suggesting there is a new wolfman, of course leaving this open for a sequel. lets all hope they dont make one. because once again hollywood decided to reuse an idea that has been made a billion times i must give this movie my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Devil (2010)

Suge Knight Shyamalan may have dropped the ball with The Last Airbender, but i wasn't about to give up on him. After delivering psychological thriller "The Happening" and the spine tingling action/horror movie "Lady in The Water" i figured it'd be fine to go catch his latest offering "fDevil"

this is the first movie in the planned "The night chronicles triology" films where supernatural things happen in modern enviremonts (just like twilight zone/??) this one is called Devil.

guess what its about???

the DEVIL

instead of making it implied every five minutes someone says something like "uh oh! looks like the devil is here!" just in case anyone is in doubt what the movie is supposed to be about, and in case they didnt catch the movies title.

three things happen in this movie. 

1. a cop stands around making wild guesses (how the heck does he think of his stuff? did he even pass cop school? doubtful)
2. the people stand in an elevator as the lights flick

3. firefighters cut a whole in a the wall. this cutting takes the hole movie to happen and no progress happens unless the camera is on them. what are they doing??? taking breaks???

also how the heck did this movie cost 10$ million dollars? 80% of the movie is people standing in the elevator. theres no special effects and no big name actors. did Suge Knight Shyamalan need 9.5$ to jot the story down on a napkin??? that's the only thing i could figure out (but i'm open to suggestions!!!)

in the movie the devil is just some overweight lady. a metaphor about our capitalist society. while thats a good lesson and all i think that this devil would have been much scarier!!!

there's not really much more to say about this movie except don't go see it. just rent the happening if you're interested in some classic  Shyamalan. this movie obviously draws heavely from 2002's thriller "Phone Booth" and just sticks the devil and some poorly trained cops and firefighters in for some much needed comedic relief.  despite my initial excitement i cant recomend this one, and i must give it my lowest rating, ** two stars

Movie Review: My Soul To Take (2010)

My soul to take is wes cravens latest offering. he is best known for making the movie "screem" 3 times.

the movie starts with 30 or so dream sequences put into one minute, then a guy kills his pregnant wife, then he gets killed a few dozen times by the cops. suddenly in the ambulance they say he probably has 7 souls for each person he killed in him thats why he wont die. then the ambulance explodes. 

then some kids try to resurrect him and the cops chase them away. then as this one kid is going back home he gets killed by this ripper guy (he's back!) then it flashes to another kid crawling though the window. suddenly he's listening to a radio station all about condors while a montage plays of him making a bird out of junk in his room. what the heck??? what am i watching??? This all happened in the first 20 minutes. Make sure you count the amount of times the word "condor" is used!! it's like they were going for a guinness world record or something!!!


its also worth mentioning that the main character is named bug. is Wes trying to scare us or gross us out by making us subconsiosly think of spiders and stuff??? just stick to slashers and leave the deep psychological stuff to someone else, you're not very good at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i brought my camera with me to the theater so i could snap a few shots to use for screenshots in case i could find any on the web. of course some whiny lady goes and complains and i get thrown out!! no justice in the world. so after i got thrown out i had to go to another theater and pay to go see it again. you owe me 10$ Wes Craven!!!!!!

the only screen shot i was able to get before someone snitched on me. next time maybe just watch the movie instead of hassling me!!!!!

for the first 40 minutes i kept thinking two things:
did wes craven take a bunch of random footage, put put it on random then mail it as fast as he could to the theaters??? number two: am i on drugs. i thought about scheduling a drug test to make sure somoene hadnt slipped me anything (possibly a hot girl trying to have her way with me!!!) either wes decided after those 40 minutes to give the audience some sort of easier (barely!) to follow story or someone else took over i dont know.

i dont really know what to say about this movie!!! i was surprised that it wasn't a remake and i also was pleased that i couldn't instantly tell what movie it ripped off but i couldn't follow the plot at all! and i saw it one and a half times!!! (thanks to that b#*&@ who got me kicked out of the theater) because of that i must give this my lowest possible rating, ** two stars. 

ps once again this movie has no topless women so if thats why you go see horror movies skip this one too.

Movie Review: Nightmare Before Elm Street (2010)

Since Halloween is coming up soon I will be doing a review of a horror movie EVERY DAY until Halloween is over.

Todays' reveiw is Nightmare Before Elm Street, another big movie produced by michael bay. One thing i've got to say is what an original story! I've never even thought of an idea like this before. being a fan of the horror genre im surprised it took until 2010 for a movie to focus on someone haunting you in your dreams. i couldnt sleep for the first week after seeing it!!!! and i dont think i was the only one!!

this isn't what freddie looks like in the movie, but what if??? i think more guys would have coughed up the 12$ to see it

now i did enjoy the originality of the story but there were some glaring flaws i couldnt overlook. first of all one of the actresses (Katie cassidy) was supposed to be like 15-17 in this movie, but honestly i had a hard time believing she was any younger than 30. Did she get held back a lot??? some backstory involving sitting out in the sun a bunch??? i dont knwo im baffled!!!!!! the other actors didnt seem much younger but they were at least pretty close


Katie Cassidy celebrating the film wrap for NBES (photo courtosy of New Line Cinema)

The other weird thing was the want to be "romeo and juilet" story. as if that story hasnt been done to death! The characters Nancy and freddie had a relationship but because of the age difference and because he was a janitor and she was from the upper middle class the parents forbid it. but it has a twist, the parents decide to burn freddie alive. what the heck??? little extreme huh? then freddie comes BACK FROM THE DEAD to be with his beloved and shes like uh ew no thanks burn face, ive got a new man now! Can you imagine? then she just straight up kills the poor guy. no idea what the writers were trying to accomplish by making the star character so unlikable.

so despite its originality it was weighed down by the above flaws. a quick note to the guy readers, there are no topless scenes with any of the ladies in this one dispite it being a horror movie, so if thats the kind of thing you rent a movie for, save your hard earned money. i really would like to give this a better score but as a film cridic i have intregity. i cant just give a high score for a "nice try". Because it fell so short i must give this movie my lowest score ever given, ** two stars.

Summer 2009 Blockbusters Roundup!

Everyone knows summer is a big time for movies. Movie studios typically release theyre biggest pictures during the summer (and sometimes thanksgiving!) I thought i'd do a big write up on the summer blockbusters (and show off my new amazon partnership. Amazon: Best deals on the web!)

Summer bloackbusters have a big history, with movies like Jaws, Star Wars IV A new Hope, ET The Extraterrestrial, Terminator, you get the idea!!! It was a time when the best new stories were released. Well not anymore! Here's the slop that we got last year.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - The sequel to a movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - A movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Movie based off a line of books for children about wizards and magic. After seeing the first few duds in the theater (big mistake) I avoided this turd.


Star Trek - A movie based off a 60's sci-fi tv show that only shut in and nerds watch. I watched this one and wow! talk about a rip off. I'd never seen any star Trek stuff before but as a big star wars fan I decided to finally give it a shot. What a rip!!! Obviously the writers were big fans of George Lucas' franchise and wanted a peice of that pie. I suggest someone should watch a Phantom Menace, heck even Dennis the Menace, over this one. 





These are the people i saw in line to see star trek


Ice Age: The Dawn of the Dinosaurs - A sequel to a childrens movie about The Ice age. Not only is this slop scientifically inaccurate, it's not entertaining. I walked out of the first one. I tried to get some people to go with me, siting many obvious flaws in the script, but no one followed. this is what apmerica has come to. sad.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine - This one is the third sequel to a film franchise based on a 50 year old comic book series. This one is a technically a prequel and shows wolvering's origins and he rides a motorcycle and kills some people. 30% or the dialog is wolverine growling and yelling. they must have been trying to save money on ink when it came time to print the scripts and instead changed some stuff to reduce the amount of pages needed down to just a couple. 




Hugh Jackman -Wolverine Origins


Then to finish things off, there were two movies based on old tv shows no one remembers. I guess they tried using these ideas and hoped that we'd think they were original ideas or something??? turns out the media did some researching and it leaked to the public and now everyone knows. These movies are of course THE A-TEAM and LAND OF THE LOST. Both showed up DOA at the theaters and now reside in a dusty warehouse that amazon.com owns. Amazon suggested I do a write up on these movies and link back to them, to trick people into buying them. I hope they don't mind that I couldn't find anything good to say about these movies.





What about this shouts to be remade in a modern movie???  Dont ask me!!!


Unless your brain damaged you know that this years summer didn't provide any better offerings. Check back soon for my recap of this years flops.