The Woman in Black (2012)

Finally, a new review by me, dings! Thjis time it's for "The Woman in Black"

Let me first off say i doubt it was a coincidence that they released a movie with the word black in the title during Febuary to cash in on "Black History month". Are they that desperate to get people in the door that they'll tack on the word black so people who are interested in the historical importance of the color this month might check it out? Don't they think people might read up about it first?

This is black. 

Before the movie started i found myself putting my phone on silent, despite the fact that in the five years i've had a cell phone no one has ever called or texted me. Where did I pick up that habit?? oh well.

The movie starts and what the heck? Harry Potter is in it! He must have cast a level 5 boring spell on me because i had a hard time staying awake for the first hour. His journey from london to (whatever small town they made up) was almost filmed in real time.

I know this is supposed to be a horror story but there was something disturbing that happened early in the film. Harry's wife is dead and he has a kid. right before he gets on the train he looks at the kid and says "You look just like your mom" with a lusty tone. really??? again yeah its a horror but do we need the main character to be an incest loving pedophile? I guess so!

Not a whole lot else happens. He runs around in a spook house and cries and kills a few kids. Then he goes swimming in a mud river.

spoiler alert!


then suddenly they decide its time for an ending but i guess they didn't feel like writing an ending because they just tacked on the ending to "drag me to hell" where they get sucked in front of a train and go to hell. wow! great idea guys! did you just hope everyone would have fallen asleep before the end would happen so no one would notice??? well i did!!!!!!!! losers!

you could probably tell by the tone of my review but i didnt much care for this "film"! I give it my lowest possible score, ** two stars! avoid at all costs!

The Muppets (2001)

Since it was Thanksgiving Grandma wasn't as stingy with her money as usual and I was able to pry out the admission cost to see a movie. Still wasn't able to talk her into springing for some extra money so I could get some food but that's what I've come to expect from "The greatest generation".

Since I got there late all the cool movies were sold out so I had to pick the Muppets. I reluctantly purchased my ticket and went in. Right away I noticed there was nothing but children and fat guys who didnt look like they had time to shower in the audience. One of those fat guys had to sit by me. He smelled bad but luckily he was eating his popcorn so fast sometimes a few kernels would fly from his hand and land on me. Free popcorn!!!

The movie started and right away i realized why this wasn't sold out. It was a puppet movie!! With singing! The girl was pretty hot but there werent any nude scenes so she might as well have not even been in it.

Cast of "The Mupets" 2011 Copyright Disney

The plot is this guy has a brother who was a puppet and he loves puppets!! So they go to puppet land (much like toonville from who framed roger ribbit, blatent rip off #1) It turns out the Mupets aren't friends anymore so they go on a road trip to get back together. They get back together and put on one last show to save an orphanage or something but their show isn't very good and they don't make any money.

In short:
Puppets get together to raise money with a show (the show is like 75% of the movie) and the show isn't very good so they don't make enough money.

So you pay $11 to see some puppets put on a show that isn't very good? Someone really thought this would be a good idea? Seriously?

Because of that and because the girl stays over clothed the entire film (what the heck is this, a mormon movie or something?) I give this my lowest possible score, 2 stars **. 

Melancholia (2011)

This is a guest review written by "Humanity" Follow him on twitter here so you can tell him how much you hate him!

Melancholia is a movie about taking baths and the world being angry at
you using all the water so it calls it's friend the big blue planet to
smash into the Earth and kill everyone.  This feautire film is very
artsy so it is split into two parts: the one that is really stupid and
the other one that is really dumb. So basically Kirsten Dunst is this
girl that is really mean to everyone but she has great boobs.  The
director knows that Kirsten Dunst has nice boobs so she is often
showing them off and making a lot of other people jealous.  All her
character really wants to do is take a bath (this is called
foreshadowing, look it up!) but everyone is trying to interrupt her by
throwing a wedding party!!!  Dunst tries a lot of clever ways to take
baths during this wedding night.  The director was very smart, he knew
the script was really short so they film Kirsten Dunst wandering
around the set, going into rooms and the gold course and they just put
it in the movie anyway.  People who know about art can do these sort
of things because it's not dumb in that case it's called being deep or
something, anyway.

In part two Kirsten finally took the bath and is living with her
sister and her boyfriend who is agent Jack Bauer from the hit series
24!  There is a lot of horse riding and they eat meat loaf at some
point.  Ok remember when I told you about the foreshadowing?  I hope
you looked it up because this is where it comes in!  So Kirsten Dunst
takes another bath in this part of the movie and you get to see her
boobs!  Maybe the director used green screen but they looked very
Dunsty so I only assume these are REAL Dunsters D's!  This bath
totally broke the camels back, thats symbolism because the camel is
actually the Earth and it is pissed!  The earth takes out it's planet
size boost mobile phone and calls up the blue planet.  So everyone is
angry at Dunst again because now the blue planet is coming.  The guy
from 24 is so goddamn mad he goes to sleep in the stables and he foams
at the mouth.  Dunst and her sister sit with a kid under some sticks,
obviously they are pretty dumb because those sticks won't stop a
planet.  Everyone dies and the music is way too loud!

Because I hate bathing as much as anyone else I have to give this
movie the lowest possible rating of 2 stars!

Drive (2011)

This is a movie review for Drive.

Once again, another stupid hollywood prequel. This is a prequel to 2011's "Drive Angry". How the heck did they already get a prequel going? Was there really a lot of demand for it? what the heck...

Ryan Gosling (left) stars as the driver, Carey Mulligan as Irene (left)
Promo shot courtesy Bold Films

This one is telling the story about how John Milton (nicholas cage in drive angry) (just refered to as "driver" in this movie and played by someone else) went from just driving to driving angry. Not really something anyone who saw the first movie was probably very interested in. Oh well here we go anyway!

Not a whole lot happens in the movie, just some dude living in an apartment who is really good at driving!! some lady asks the mob if he can be in Nascar. The mob agrees but only if they can kidnap the woman. Everyone agrees and the driver drives nascars until he gets mad as heck that the lady is kidnaped and now he's angry! Cue the credits and now we can watch drive angry knowing how the driver became John Milton.

No one cared how he became JOHN MILTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Aren't they a little late for the nascar "craze"?? Remember when everyone was talking about nascar for like two weeks?? Yes, I didn't capitilize nascar on purpose. I hope some miller lite swigging texans don't flip out and say mean things to me!! I also didn't capitalize texas. Deal with it!!!

What a stupid movie!! I can't believe i sat through all of that. Good grief! It goes without saying that i've got to give this movie my lowest possible rating, ** two stars 

Pulp Fictino (1994)

Sorry i'm reviewing all these freaking old as heck movies but i haven't had much money lately so i've been having to stick to whatever comes on HBO.

Speaking of Pulp, has anyone ever had ocean spray orange juice??? WHats with that stuff? It's gross as heck! Ocean Spray? More like skunk spray! That's closer to what it taste's like!!!! I almost barfed 20 gallons of puke when I drank it. I don't know what was happening in my grandma's head when she bought it! She knows I like Minute Made! It was made in a minute and that's something i can respect.

Makes me want to barf just looking at it! Blegh!

As for the movie, it's another hippy drug movie. People are always doing drugs, and of course there's no consequences!!! Just a bunch of drug users throwing up the peace sign and sitting around having drugged up conversations about mcdonalds!

Also what was with the editing in this thing? Did the director keep getting bored with whatever story/character he was on and then switch then suddenly remember he had to finish the other story? This guy must have ADD or something he needs ridalin fast!!!!!!!!

Then towards the end they kept going backwards! What a rip off of Back to the Future! They even actually WENT TO THE 50'S AT ONE POINT. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING! Why do i even watch movies anymore they're all the same!!

Nothing really stood out positive in my head after watching this, not even any real cool swears, but there was a lot of swears so if you have to see this write down the swears and use them if you need to, because there's one for pretty much any situation! As for my rating, it appears i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Thank you.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

HI! I haven't been watching many movies lately (trying to build a ship in a bottle, it's hard as heck!) but I watched this movie last night. First of all... what the heck? What a weird movie... can't believe this got made.

First thing I noticed about it was they kept switching from black and white to color. This was really confusing! One of two things could have caused this. 1. they filmed some of this movie back before movies were colorised (maybe) 2. they kept running out of money and had to borrow their dads old black and white camera (posssibly)

Either one is possible but both don't make sense! If it's been 50+ years since you started your movie and it's still not done then give up! if this happened then can you imagine the amount of money they blew on makeup/wigs ect trying to make the actors look like the actors from the original film?? Why not just refilm it??? Weird...

If they kept running out of money where did they suddenly keep getting the funds?? Allowence every other week? Trading in alluminum cans? We'll never know.

Also the cameras kept flopping all over the place from side to side. Could they not find a sober camera man?? I guess not! If you have to have a camera man who's an alchohalic at least try to limit his daily beer intake until shooting is done. What a bunch of amatures!!!!!

THe plot wasn't much better. It was about two people who just drove around killing people and kissing. I can stand watching some of the cool (but gross as heck) killigs but it's like the directors girl friend was sitting there making sure there was equal amount of kisses to kills. Not cool! How about cut that leash from around your neck, dude???

WB put thsi movie out and it sure WAS wb... weally bad!!!

As you can probably guess I wasn't very impressed with this movie. Too much kissing and the weird budget/time whatever happened to this movie just ruined it. Not really too much I can say positive abotu it except you get to hear a lot of cool swears. I give this "film" my lowest possible rating, ** two stars!!

Super 8 (2011)

Another over hyped summer film. This time it's a spillberg/abrams venture. Like many of Spillberg's earlier films, this one revolved around children fighting aliens.

The story starts with a fat kid who wants to film movies. So right off the bat we get film makers trying to romantasize the industry when in actuallity its nothing but people trying to make as many 80's cartoons into live action as possible. Nice try but i'm not buying it!

Then the rest of the movie shifts focus and suddenly it's a disaster/horror/alien film. Could this movie possibly be anymore schizofrenic/??? Probably not! It draws on many of Spillbergs older films like ET, Jurassic Park, Clash Of The Titons, and War Of The Worlds. It was almost like watching a clip show!

There was also a love story between two 12 year olds. What the heck?? Who wants to think about 12 year olds being sex havers?? Not me. I had when the pedo agenda infultrates hollywood and ruins what could have been at least a decent action movie.

I wonder where the funding
for this movie came from???

Another thing that got distracting was how the director had a real problem operating his cameras. He was always putting his camera at the lights getting these annoying blinding flares that would cover sometimes 50% of the screen. What the heckk?? DDid he even look through the view finder and see what the shot looked like or did he just point and shoot while playing a game on his phone? What a lazy guy. You'd think after all the money hollywood gave him he'd at least make an effort to not film every studio light possible.

This movie has too many faults. Not only does it jump genres so fast you forget what movie you're watching but it's sickening child love story and light/camera issues make it impossible to watch. I give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars