So, Dings asked me to do a little write up on a horror movie for his internet weblog. I couldn’t really think of a decent one so I rummaged through my “Box ‘o DVD’s borrowed from former roommates (Non-Porn Edition)” and came up with some shitty art house thing called “The Shinning” from like 1962, done by that guy who invented the Rubik’s Cube. (I’m betting it was Daniel’s, that dude seriously cried when we went to go see Up).
I popped the disc in and what my agile young mind was treated to was something like 43 minutes of a car driving. A car. Driving. I mean, were directors even trying back then? I think maybe once Under Siege came out, directors figured they could never match that, and either killed themselves or started doing boring book adaptations (I mean, didn’t Segal just wreck in that one ( It’s a total shame he died so soon in Executive Decision. But hey, it was for the greater good (obviously Kurt Douglas wasn’t gonna be able to do it by himself (you know, I used to think that was his first movie, but IMDB says it isn’t (Above the Law is))))).
So, I fell asleep at the aforementioned death march that is the opening credits and woke up to a lady that looks like that Muppet I had suppressed sexual urges for, but with black hair and no guitar.

Coincidence?
She’s talking to Haley Joel Osment (who appeared in the other Rubik movie A.I.D.) about something-or-the-other when Jack Nichols walks in with an axe and starts chopping into a door whilst screaming sitcom slogans. I sat patiently sat waiting for him to yell “dy-no-mite!”, but instead he runs around a large mansion they are stuck in and then dies in a bush maze.

One of these days Alice, I’m gonna bury an axe in your chest!
Yea. That’s it. No ghouls, no zombies, no statuesque-yet-nonthreatening vampires, just a guy with an axe trying to see what on the inside of his family’s skulls, frozen dead. I give this movie 47 lasers. As many of you know, 47 is not nearly enough to take down a cruiser, but enough to do considerable aesthetic and modest structural damage. Please fly to the garage and pay 5609 credits to repair and begin your next mission.
Why did I waste all my credits from the level 3-2 on the “freeze ray”?
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