The Muppets (2001)

Since it was Thanksgiving Grandma wasn't as stingy with her money as usual and I was able to pry out the admission cost to see a movie. Still wasn't able to talk her into springing for some extra money so I could get some food but that's what I've come to expect from "The greatest generation".

Since I got there late all the cool movies were sold out so I had to pick the Muppets. I reluctantly purchased my ticket and went in. Right away I noticed there was nothing but children and fat guys who didnt look like they had time to shower in the audience. One of those fat guys had to sit by me. He smelled bad but luckily he was eating his popcorn so fast sometimes a few kernels would fly from his hand and land on me. Free popcorn!!!

The movie started and right away i realized why this wasn't sold out. It was a puppet movie!! With singing! The girl was pretty hot but there werent any nude scenes so she might as well have not even been in it.

Cast of "The Mupets" 2011 Copyright Disney

The plot is this guy has a brother who was a puppet and he loves puppets!! So they go to puppet land (much like toonville from who framed roger ribbit, blatent rip off #1) It turns out the Mupets aren't friends anymore so they go on a road trip to get back together. They get back together and put on one last show to save an orphanage or something but their show isn't very good and they don't make any money.

In short:
Puppets get together to raise money with a show (the show is like 75% of the movie) and the show isn't very good so they don't make enough money.

So you pay $11 to see some puppets put on a show that isn't very good? Someone really thought this would be a good idea? Seriously?

Because of that and because the girl stays over clothed the entire film (what the heck is this, a mormon movie or something?) I give this my lowest possible score, 2 stars **. 

Melancholia (2011)

This is a guest review written by "Humanity" Follow him on twitter here so you can tell him how much you hate him!

Melancholia is a movie about taking baths and the world being angry at
you using all the water so it calls it's friend the big blue planet to
smash into the Earth and kill everyone.  This feautire film is very
artsy so it is split into two parts: the one that is really stupid and
the other one that is really dumb. So basically Kirsten Dunst is this
girl that is really mean to everyone but she has great boobs.  The
director knows that Kirsten Dunst has nice boobs so she is often
showing them off and making a lot of other people jealous.  All her
character really wants to do is take a bath (this is called
foreshadowing, look it up!) but everyone is trying to interrupt her by
throwing a wedding party!!!  Dunst tries a lot of clever ways to take
baths during this wedding night.  The director was very smart, he knew
the script was really short so they film Kirsten Dunst wandering
around the set, going into rooms and the gold course and they just put
it in the movie anyway.  People who know about art can do these sort
of things because it's not dumb in that case it's called being deep or
something, anyway.

In part two Kirsten finally took the bath and is living with her
sister and her boyfriend who is agent Jack Bauer from the hit series
24!  There is a lot of horse riding and they eat meat loaf at some
point.  Ok remember when I told you about the foreshadowing?  I hope
you looked it up because this is where it comes in!  So Kirsten Dunst
takes another bath in this part of the movie and you get to see her
boobs!  Maybe the director used green screen but they looked very
Dunsty so I only assume these are REAL Dunsters D's!  This bath
totally broke the camels back, thats symbolism because the camel is
actually the Earth and it is pissed!  The earth takes out it's planet
size boost mobile phone and calls up the blue planet.  So everyone is
angry at Dunst again because now the blue planet is coming.  The guy
from 24 is so goddamn mad he goes to sleep in the stables and he foams
at the mouth.  Dunst and her sister sit with a kid under some sticks,
obviously they are pretty dumb because those sticks won't stop a
planet.  Everyone dies and the music is way too loud!

Because I hate bathing as much as anyone else I have to give this
movie the lowest possible rating of 2 stars!

Drive (2011)

This is a movie review for Drive.

Once again, another stupid hollywood prequel. This is a prequel to 2011's "Drive Angry". How the heck did they already get a prequel going? Was there really a lot of demand for it? what the heck...

Ryan Gosling (left) stars as the driver, Carey Mulligan as Irene (left)
Promo shot courtesy Bold Films

This one is telling the story about how John Milton (nicholas cage in drive angry) (just refered to as "driver" in this movie and played by someone else) went from just driving to driving angry. Not really something anyone who saw the first movie was probably very interested in. Oh well here we go anyway!

Not a whole lot happens in the movie, just some dude living in an apartment who is really good at driving!! some lady asks the mob if he can be in Nascar. The mob agrees but only if they can kidnap the woman. Everyone agrees and the driver drives nascars until he gets mad as heck that the lady is kidnaped and now he's angry! Cue the credits and now we can watch drive angry knowing how the driver became John Milton.

No one cared how he became JOHN MILTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Aren't they a little late for the nascar "craze"?? Remember when everyone was talking about nascar for like two weeks?? Yes, I didn't capitilize nascar on purpose. I hope some miller lite swigging texans don't flip out and say mean things to me!! I also didn't capitalize texas. Deal with it!!!

What a stupid movie!! I can't believe i sat through all of that. Good grief! It goes without saying that i've got to give this movie my lowest possible rating, ** two stars 

Pulp Fictino (1994)

Sorry i'm reviewing all these freaking old as heck movies but i haven't had much money lately so i've been having to stick to whatever comes on HBO.

Speaking of Pulp, has anyone ever had ocean spray orange juice??? WHats with that stuff? It's gross as heck! Ocean Spray? More like skunk spray! That's closer to what it taste's like!!!! I almost barfed 20 gallons of puke when I drank it. I don't know what was happening in my grandma's head when she bought it! She knows I like Minute Made! It was made in a minute and that's something i can respect.

Makes me want to barf just looking at it! Blegh!

As for the movie, it's another hippy drug movie. People are always doing drugs, and of course there's no consequences!!! Just a bunch of drug users throwing up the peace sign and sitting around having drugged up conversations about mcdonalds!

Also what was with the editing in this thing? Did the director keep getting bored with whatever story/character he was on and then switch then suddenly remember he had to finish the other story? This guy must have ADD or something he needs ridalin fast!!!!!!!!

Then towards the end they kept going backwards! What a rip off of Back to the Future! They even actually WENT TO THE 50'S AT ONE POINT. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING! Why do i even watch movies anymore they're all the same!!

Nothing really stood out positive in my head after watching this, not even any real cool swears, but there was a lot of swears so if you have to see this write down the swears and use them if you need to, because there's one for pretty much any situation! As for my rating, it appears i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Thank you.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

HI! I haven't been watching many movies lately (trying to build a ship in a bottle, it's hard as heck!) but I watched this movie last night. First of all... what the heck? What a weird movie... can't believe this got made.

First thing I noticed about it was they kept switching from black and white to color. This was really confusing! One of two things could have caused this. 1. they filmed some of this movie back before movies were colorised (maybe) 2. they kept running out of money and had to borrow their dads old black and white camera (posssibly)

Either one is possible but both don't make sense! If it's been 50+ years since you started your movie and it's still not done then give up! if this happened then can you imagine the amount of money they blew on makeup/wigs ect trying to make the actors look like the actors from the original film?? Why not just refilm it??? Weird...

If they kept running out of money where did they suddenly keep getting the funds?? Allowence every other week? Trading in alluminum cans? We'll never know.

Also the cameras kept flopping all over the place from side to side. Could they not find a sober camera man?? I guess not! If you have to have a camera man who's an alchohalic at least try to limit his daily beer intake until shooting is done. What a bunch of amatures!!!!!

THe plot wasn't much better. It was about two people who just drove around killing people and kissing. I can stand watching some of the cool (but gross as heck) killigs but it's like the directors girl friend was sitting there making sure there was equal amount of kisses to kills. Not cool! How about cut that leash from around your neck, dude???

WB put thsi movie out and it sure WAS wb... weally bad!!!

As you can probably guess I wasn't very impressed with this movie. Too much kissing and the weird budget/time whatever happened to this movie just ruined it. Not really too much I can say positive abotu it except you get to hear a lot of cool swears. I give this "film" my lowest possible rating, ** two stars!!

Super 8 (2011)

Another over hyped summer film. This time it's a spillberg/abrams venture. Like many of Spillberg's earlier films, this one revolved around children fighting aliens.

The story starts with a fat kid who wants to film movies. So right off the bat we get film makers trying to romantasize the industry when in actuallity its nothing but people trying to make as many 80's cartoons into live action as possible. Nice try but i'm not buying it!

Then the rest of the movie shifts focus and suddenly it's a disaster/horror/alien film. Could this movie possibly be anymore schizofrenic/??? Probably not! It draws on many of Spillbergs older films like ET, Jurassic Park, Clash Of The Titons, and War Of The Worlds. It was almost like watching a clip show!

There was also a love story between two 12 year olds. What the heck?? Who wants to think about 12 year olds being sex havers?? Not me. I had when the pedo agenda infultrates hollywood and ruins what could have been at least a decent action movie.

I wonder where the funding
for this movie came from???

Another thing that got distracting was how the director had a real problem operating his cameras. He was always putting his camera at the lights getting these annoying blinding flares that would cover sometimes 50% of the screen. What the heckk?? DDid he even look through the view finder and see what the shot looked like or did he just point and shoot while playing a game on his phone? What a lazy guy. You'd think after all the money hollywood gave him he'd at least make an effort to not film every studio light possible.

This movie has too many faults. Not only does it jump genres so fast you forget what movie you're watching but it's sickening child love story and light/camera issues make it impossible to watch. I give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars

X-Men: First Class (2011)

Summer comic book movie #2. This movie is a first class turd! What a waste of my valuable time.

You may have started getting excited when you learned that you'd get to see the exciting origins of the x0-men. See Maghneto and Professor X become friends and see the x-men form. 

But guess what we get instead??? A boring history lesson disgused as an action movie. Did I really pay 11$ for a school lesson??? What the heck?

The movie starts out in World War One and during the Holocaust. We learn a little about the Holocaust, nazi experiments ect. Your average WW1 history lesson. But we see Magneto there for a little bit so suddenly it's REALLY an xmen movie, right??

Well flash forward a few years and now the focus shifts from WW1 all the way to the cold war. Yeah this movie is about a war where no one does anything!!! But in between clips of JFK speaches and random facts about Russia we see x-men training and blowing stuff up. To the untrained eye we're watching an action film but to a seasoned film buff (like myself) it's easy to see it's actually just a stock footage collection from random History Channel specials inter-weaved with footage they shot of x-men blowing up dummies and cursing. Almost fooled me but not quite!

There was also a bunch of lessons about tolerence and your average "dont judge a book by its color" stuff because you know what makes a 2 hour history lesson more fun? A bunch of preachy life lessoons!!!!!!!

Also I noticed after leaving the movie theater there were a lot of guys waiting by the bathrooms for their girlfriends to come out. I chuckled to myself as I walked past them. What a waste of time! I was able to leave right away since I saw the movie by myself! Nothing can slow me down!!!

There wasn't really any redeaming things about this movie except for a few scenes or girls in their underwear (which was pretty cool! almost worth the price of admission!!!) everything else was just a weird history lesson with seemingly unrelated footage of the xmen flying around blowing things up inbetween. For these reasons I must give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars!

Thor (2011)

Here's the first of thousands of comic book adaptations the summer has to offer this year. Or so it would seem...

I thought this movie was some comic heroe who had a giant hammer and zapped people with lightning. But guess what?? Secretly it's a religious movie like "The Ten Commandments" and The "passion Of The Christ". As we soon learn Thor is actually God. I've never really read too much of the bible or been to church so this must be one of the stories from the begining or something.

In the film we see how God became so Mighty and how the Devil became a fallen angel. As you may already know, God used to be more of a vengeful god (making people kill lambs, putting lamb blood on doors) bassically if you were a lamb or lamb owner God used to really hate you. Apparently he also hated Ice people (who I guess are extinct now).

Now iff you're a Bible nut or whatever you're probably getting pretty excited about this movie reading this. But guess what! They decided to take a few liberties with the story. Ever heard of God having a mom and dad? No, me either. But it's in the movie. Just to make sure I wasn't geting all flustered about nothing I opened up a PDF of a bible and did ctrl + F for "gods mom and dad" "gods dad" "Gods mom" and nothing. What the heck?? I'm surprised there haven't been more protests.

The movie even tosses in a love scene between God and some lady!! I guess they were trying to explain where Jesus came from but I don't think that's how it happened. This movie is pure blasphemousness! I suggest all religious people don't watch this or they'll get really mad!

There was also a lot of stuff about earth in those times that i don't think they portrayed correctly. There definately were'nt cars back in the early days of man. Also no guns or any of the high tech gadgets portrayed in the movie. Was it supposed to be symbolism? I don't know but it definately went over my head. I think they just failed to do any research.

This movie fails as a historically accurate retelling of a Bible story and the writers just felt like adding whatever they wanted! I just don't get how stuff like this even gets made. I'm giving this my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Hangover 2: part two (2011)

One of the summers most anticipated films was The Hangover 2. I was having trouble staying awake today and I found a torrent of a pretty decent bootleg so i figured all i had to lose was time. If only i'd known!

If you've seen the first Hangover movie then you have also seem the Hangeover part two. It's the same movie! I'm pretty sure they just took the first film and used the lasso tool from their movie editing software (for those who aren't film editors from hollywood the lasso tool is used to trace over stuff and cut it out). Anyway, they used the lasso tool and cut out all the characters and then put them into some stock footage of bangcock. This is literally what it takes to make a sequel these days!

They threw in a few scenes that were cut from the first film so it'd seem new to your average movie audience and they replaced the baby with a monkey. They also CGIed in an asian kid to hang out with thtem in some scenes to give it a more eastern flavor but they screwed up because in one scene he suddenly turned into an old man in a wheel chair without explanation. Did the director even watch the final cut or was he too busy trying to think of a way to make a third one with out actually having to pay the actors or writers anything??

Also their jokes seem to be mostly people falling down or cussing. That's it??? If I wanted to see someone fall down and cuss id put a bunch of ice cubes on the stairs and then call grandma up to my room (but i'd be secretly watching behind a chair or something). But I don't want to do that becaues it's possible i'd get grounded.

The fact that a "special edition" of a movie is passed off as a sequel and is one of the most anticipated movies of the year shows how much people either hate themselves or dont care about movies. I must say this film doesn't deserve any praise, for its lack of ideas, overuse of CGI to super impose the actors over cheap chinese stock footage andf for giving me ideas that could possibly get me grounded i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Well its almost summer and we all know what that means! A bunch of dumb sequels and comic book/video game/80s cartoon adaptations.

This movie is both a dumb adaption and a sequel. It's actually an adaptation of a theme park ride from dinsery world! Can you believe it??? Walt must have been sitting on a pile of money ($$$) crossing off a list of things to make movies about and was shocked his beloved pirate ride in his theme park wasn't a multi-movie franchise. Once they've used all the ideas from this will The Mystery Of Splash Mountain be next??? Probably!!!

cool lets make a movie
out of it!!!

I'd never seen any of the other Pirates movies but decided I'd check this one out as I hadn't reviewed a movie in a while and I found 11$ in the gutter. TThey must have really run out of ideas in this one because they were stealing stuff from all sorts of stuff!

Early in the movie Angela gets up on this rafter and starts throwing barrels at Jack Sparrow... sound familiar??? Here maybe this will spark your memory:

Then shortly after Jack hops in an elevator... not unlike another early NES game Elevator Action!


Can you believe it???

Not to mention all the sword fighting they stole from Zoro!

Lets get to the plot now. Everyone is runnign to get to this "fountain of youth" (something obviously lifted from "Tuck Everlasting") Everyone is Black Beard, the Spanish, and the English. They all want to live forever except for the spanish they just want to mess stuff up for no real reason.

Most the movie is just them on boats cleaning the boards or talking about mermaids or whatever. It was like they were just trying to pass as much time as possible. There were several scenes where i could have swore i saw some of the extras checking their watches!!!

There's not really a whole lot to write about. Nothing much happened in this movie except what the director assumed the audience wanted to see. There was plenty of peg leg screen time, sword fights, plank walking, talking parrots. Typical pirate fare. Nothing too exciting. I should havfe left that 11$ in the gutter instead of supporting Walt's idea of entertainment. I give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Taxi Driver (1976)

Everyone has been bugging me to see this movie for a long time. "It's a clasic!" They keep telling me. (they is the recommendations from netflix) so I happened to be in a Blockbuster checking out their going out of business sale and saw this movie at the bottom of the discount bin. I figured I had nothing to lose for 45 cents. I went home and pooped this one in the DVD player and I was whisked away to New York City.

This is a smile. You wont be doing
anything like that while
watching this movie

This movie centers around two characters, Belle Williams, who performs the titular role as the Taxi Driver, and Andy Washburn who detects things while undercover. They meet as the detective needs a taxi (and it's driver) to take him to the scene of some bank robbing crime he heard about. The bank robbers are hot babes!

Belle really wants to be a Nascar driver not a taxi driver and finally when the two solve the mystery of the robbed banks her dream comes true and she drives Nascar and the NYC banks are her sponsors. Happy ending?

These are the hot babes the film has.
Save time and just check out this image
and don't bother with the "film"

No! Because when I saw the credits were rolling I knew I ahd wasted my time with another so-called "classic". How could anyone think this movie was good??? I didn't see any of the "gritty" streets of NYC. In fact Netflix describes this movie to be "Violent, Dark, Gritty, Suspenseful" None of that stuff is true. Were they just trying to sucker some action fans into getting this poorly made comedy because they felt bad about ordering so many copies??? I don't know what the heck they were doing but now I'm mad!!!

Except for the babes who robbed the bank there was nothing in this movie that I would ever want to see again. Since when do women drive nascars and taxis? Did they do any research??? I just don't see the appeal and I'm going to write letters to those who placed this movie in their "top 10 movies you need to see" lists because i just don't agree! I give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars! Leave this one at the bottom of the discount bin.

Battle: Los Angeles - 2011

I don't know what they were thinking when they made this. First of all, it's apparently based off the Rage Against The Machine album of the same name, while also showing what Harvey Dent did before becoming DA of Gotham City. How confusing can it be? Here's an idea, stick with one thing to adapt into a film! That's it's first problem, it doesn't seem confident enough in simply adapting the Rage album into a film but also has to tie into the Dark Knight too just in case Rage fans won't fill all the theaters seats they'll get the Batman buffs in as well.

Speaking of Batman, if Harvey Dent was here, where was he? Was this supposed to be before even Batman Begins? They aren't too clear on anything. 

As far as how they did adapting the rap rock album into a feature, I'm not convinced they did anything but look at the album's title and scan maybe the CD artwork and track listing. Where did they get the aliens from? They didn't mind taking so many liberties with the source material, I think that maybe they ended up taking too many! Who the heck was in charge of this thing???

There were plenty of explosions in this film and that seems to go pretty well with the themes of war they were trying to portray so Good Job on that! There was also some soldiers who seemed well informed on what guns did because they shot them frequently. I was glad to see that. The aleins were like water balloons with weird metal flesh. I didn't really care for that. They were blowing up earth because they wanted to drink all our water. Is that they best the writers could think of? Was he trying to write the film real quick because he was really thirsty and suddenly this genious idea came to him??? PROBEBLY! 

At least there was one good part of
the movie

Because of it's poor adaptation from Rage Against The Machine album and it's weird insertion of Harvey Dent from the Batman universe (which is apparently the same universe this picture takes place in) i (and everyone else) felt let down and too confused. I would run to the boarder if i were the writer or director of this movie because I bet a lot of people will be looking to flip them off. I give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Transformers 2 (2009)

Transformers 2 is a film based on the cartoon series/toy line from the 80's. It's a very weird title for a movie since as far as I know there never was a Transformers 1. Kinda weird!

Jessica Fox/Jessica Rabbit. Who would
you choose?

Anyway this movie is a cartoon/live action movie like Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It stars Shia LaBeauf as a kid who's car is alive and whos parents are burnt out druggies. Unfortunately, unlike Who Framed Roger Rabbit we don't get a hot cartoon babe like Jessica Rabbit, instead we get another coked up unknown model named Jessica Fox. In fact, there aren't ANY cartoon babes in this movie! All the cartoons are big robots, GM vehicles and pyramids.

The story is Shia is trying to go to college so he tells his best friend the car to beat it! So he goes to college and this lady can't keep her paws off of him, much to his cars dismay. (his car beat it for a while but came back). Finally we learn that the lady is actually a robot (it was transformed into a lady) and it got killed.

Screenshot from "Transformers 2"
courtesy of Paramount Pictures.

Then they teleport to Egypt when they learn the bad robots hate historical artifacts and they start punching the shit out of some pyramids. There's some weird Jesus Christ of Nazereth imagery when they bring back Optimus Prime (who is a semi truck) is brought back to life.

They stop the bad robots from killing the pyramids and then the movie ends.

What a terrible movie! I can't believe this was made. I never saw Transformers from the 80's but I was excited to see this movie since they had finally made a new cartoon/live action cross over movie. Too bad they didn't add any hot cartoon babes or even a plot to keep anyone interested! Why the heck did the robots hate Egypt/the pyramids so much??? I don't know!!! Also all the GM product placement got annoying and they probably had to use 100 million dollars worth of CG to make it look like the vehicles were working and to edit out all the times they broke down and caught on fire.

Why the heck did they call this number 2? Planning on making number 1 next as a prequel?? I don't get it. This movie gets my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Drive Angry (2011)

Today we have a special guest reviewer, Humanity! Check him out on twitter! Now I'll turn it over to him:

Some of you might have seen trailers for the new Nicolas Cage movie "Drive Angry" and have been just itching to see it!  I know I have! Being a premiere action star of this century, Cage doesn't turn down any role that involves him and a whole lot of badarsery.  The movie presents the audience with an unheard of situation!  Nick Cage breaks out of hell in an old American muscle car and goes on a quest of vengeance in order to save his last remaining relative before she is sacrificed in the name of satan at midnight!  For those of you who haven't stormed out of your chairs to go watch this from just that description alone, well you're welcome to stay for the entire review.

Being a premiere action star you are granted many perks in the industry.  No self respecting leading male will bother learning his lines these days.  Cage's delivery is so flat and monotone that you start to wonder whether the real reason he wears those sunglasses throughout the movie isn't because he's reading a prompter in
background.  This is character building at it's finest.  You might have expected this and were prepared for bad acting - after all this is a Nicolas Cage film right?? But you really haven't seen bad acting until you've experienced Drive Angry.  The film opens up with our leading character Milton, played by none other than Cage himself,
chasing after some bumpkin satan worshipers.  Milton is a bonafide badarse that drives old muscle cars, wears old leather jackets and shoots stuff with a shotguns.  There is no depth to his character whatsoever nor to the movie itself.  Soon after Milton gets hitched up with the character of Piper, a no-nonsense butt kicking waitress with a southern drawl played by the lovely Amber Heard.  Actually everyone in the movie has a souther drawl.  The two get tangled up in Cage's crazy quest against time and sure enough Piper develops slightly creepy paternal feelings for her relentless companion.  What follows is a lot of car driving, shooting, and complete lack of respect for anyones good taste.  I think I'll stop right there and spare anyone reading the rest of the plot.  I wouldn't want to ruin any of the surprises!  The biggest surprise for the audience must have been the fact that Cage escaping from hell was actually written in as a plot twist into the movie.  Seeing as the trailer spelled out exactly that, it seems strange the feature itself actually tippy toes around the subject until roughly halfway through when they come out and expose this amazing secret.

This is a 3D feature so of course theres plenty of special effects to go around.  There are plenty of objecting exploding and flying at the screen.  Unfortunately the theatre where I attended the showing didn't deem the movie worthy enough of a big auditorium so most of the amazing special 3D effects were lost on me.  The gore level is quite high as the main weapons used all around are shotguns and farm tools. If you enjoy seeing legs and arms getting blown off with chunks of flesh flying everywhere then you are in luck!  There are many comedic moments as well, intentional and not.  A motel shootout scene involves Nick Cage having sex with a waitress while fending off waves of bumpkins storming his room.  Cage is fully clothed during this scene while the waitress is stark naked so don't get your hopes up!  It is very entertaining to see the two roll around in mid-intercourse while avoiding pitchforks and shovels thrust their way.  All scenes involving William Fichtner, who plays the 'Accountant' (from Hell) are quite funny as he speaks in a distorted Agent Smith type voice and gives relentless pursuit to Cage.  The audience was bursting with laughter when the antagonist/satanist of the movie Jonah King(played by Billy Burke) bends over an injured Milton and brings up a bone shaped walking stick announcing "see this femur here?  It's the last thing left of your daughter!"



It's not clear whether Drive Angry was written as a serious action flick or purposefully made to be a "so bad it's good" type of deal. The show this humble reporter attended was compromised of people that knew exactly what they were there for.  Within the first opening lines of the movie everyone was laughing hysterically and the laughs kept on coming.  If you found some money, or are somehow entitled to see this feature for for free then go with some friends and have a good laugh. Nicolas Cage is part of a dying breed of actors that will literally
take any role, any script no matter how awful and revel in it.  Amber Heard is pretty hot but don't get your hopes up for any skin from her, although there is a bit of nudity here and there!

The final verdict is 3 Dings out of 5 simply because I didn't fall asleep and I laughed a lot more than if I were to watch an Adam Sandler comedy.

Wolverine: Chasing The Phantom

Wolverine has always been the most popular X-Man. He was shown a lot in X-Men 1-3 and even given his own movie X-en Origins: Wolverine. Now they've already made a sequel to it!

In Wolverine: Chasing The Phantom director decided to go a really weird direction with the series. It portrays the super hero mutant as an actual wolverine. The film starts out with this narrator saying "Wolverine has been branded with a hell of a reputation, but who really is this demon of the north?" So I figured it'd follow more of his back story, but it doesn't. It just shows him running around in the snow eating animals and stuff. 

Who do you think the villian is in this movie? Sabertooth? Magneto? That pterodactyl guy? No it's a bunch of weird hunters that just stalk him and follow him around taking notes and stuff on what he's doing. Who the heck are these people??? They're refered to as "researcher" characters (remember them from the comics? no didnt think so) and they just ramble on forever.

There's a weird plot point where they put a radio collar on him and track him from a helicopter. YUour probably thinking this is where the big fight scene is where wolvering takes his clwas out and starts cutting stuff up. Nope! They just watch from a safe distance and make observations on what he's doing. What the heck??

Whos the Phantom? There's no phantom in this movie. This is the weirdest comic book to movie adaptation I have ever seen. I've never been so confused. I was surprised at first to see a Wolverine movie had been made with out my knowledge but after watching this pile of trash I'm not surprised. Marvel was probably ashamed of this pile of trash and just dumped it on DVD with no promotion hoping no one would find out about it. What a waste of time. This movie deservers my lowest score possible, ** two stars

Sanctum (2011)

There are many mysteries in life. The one i'm currently pondering is why the heck do i even bother to go see movies with James Cameron's name on them?? 

But I did it again! Even the guy who tore my ticket asked me if i was sure about this and told me I was free to go see any movie and he would not. I decided to stick with my choice and strutted to the theater. I attempted to sit next to an attractive lady (trying to be living dangerous) but her boyfriend pushed me onto the ground and suggested I sit someone else. I agreed and moved to the front row. 

This movie wasn't at all what I was expecting! I thought it was going to be a cave explorer adventure movie, but it turns out it's just about this sick seriel killer who tricks people to come into this cave so he can murder him! I'm going to have nightmares tonight! Luckily the film makers decided to skip character introductions and character development so I didn't care about anyone dieing!

So there's this millionare and his trophy wife who go down in a cave to drink wine with this crazy murderous australian, his sun, and some of his buddies. The australian wastes no time and starts slaughtering people. He takes this lady down under water and rips her mask off and watches her drown. The he grabs his buddy and shoves him under water and watches him drown. What a weird guy!

After that he switches on the water or something and makes it so the millionaire and his sun can't leave through the exit so they're forced to follow him through all these traps and stuff. It was then that I realized that this was a "Saw" rip off. What the heck? I've been tricked!!!

The weird killer guy places the millionaires wife into a trap (or "game" whatever he calls them( where her hair is caught in the ropes and she has to cut her hair off to survive. What he didn't tell her was that the rope holding her up was mixed in with her hair! So she died!

Now it's just the weirdo killer, his sun and the millionaire. The millionaire finally gets scared and leaves so the two go chasing after him. The millionaire pops out and finally kills the Australasian strangler and swims away. The sun chases after him through the water but he drowned so the sun just leaves and thats it!

What a trick! I thought i was going to see a cool cave adventure story but i saw a "Saw" rip off set in a cave. Thanks a lot James Cameron!!! Hopeyou enjoy getting my lowest review possible, ** two stars!!! jerk

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

This has got to be one of the sickest most depraved movies I've ever seen. Stephen Spielberg should rot in jail for this disgrace to the mind!

The movie starts out with these alien guys ditching one of their own on earth to die like the wretched scum he is but instead he wonders off to go seduce a young boy and eat his garbage. First this alien just messes with the boy then he follows him into his own home and puts some sort of sleeping spell on the lad, the kid falls asleep, the alien leers and then scene cut to black luckily.



It's no secret why these two get along 


Not only is this a movie filled with filth, it's also chocked full of blatant product placement. Reece's Pieces, Speak and Spell, and Coor's among many others! And of course Spielberg didn't have any problem with making regular length ET commercials for pepsi, Pizza Hut and some phone company I dont remember.


Et the extra "pepsi" terrestrial 




Spielberg also made the worst video game possible (ET for atari) which actually caused the video game industry to crash and caused many companies to go bankrupt.

Why was Spielberg such a jerk?????

In the end of the movie there's symbolism that ET is a real piece of shit (he turned white and died by the river) and then Spielberg resurrected him and turns him into Jesus, then he makes him gay by making his ship shoot a rainbow? This guy really didn't have any trouble stomping on anyone to make this filthy film of hate and bigotry. I'm going to stop here before I make myself sick, it obviously recieves my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Blech.

I, Robot (2004)

When I was in school one time my teacher made us read this book called I, Robot. I was pretty excited at the time! A book about robots instead of old english literature about girls falling in love with horses or whatever. Unfortunately, like most books this one let me down! It was just a bunch of short stories about scientists deducting things. Boring! And with out pictures it was impossible for me to stay interested!!!

So there i was today inspecting the dollar bin at best Buy, when I came across this movie! I had finally collected about 125 pennies and decided to grab a dollar bin movie to review and this one seemed to be the best of the bunch! The clerk made some snide comments about my method of payment and I made a mental note to write a letter to "Mitch"es manager.

Guess what! This movie isn't boring like the book! They completely removed the entire story and just kept the name! The only thing they left in from the book was this character Dr. Calvin who was some old lady psychiatrist and they turned her into a hot chick. Probably the best book to movie adaptation I have yet to see!

For a second there I thought this was going to be a good movie! I was excited!  But then I noticed that they kept talking about converse shoes. There was like a 10 minute scene where Will Smith was excited about getting some "vintage" 2004 converse and talks about how good they are for a long time. Then random people every 20 minutes in the movie stop and talk to him about how cool his converse are. What the heck??? Was this a commercial or a movie????



Check out this image. Now you've seen most of I, Robot.


Also I guess Will smith either forgot to read the script or had spent too much time doing his Fresh Prince show because he just kept acting like the Fresh Prince. Was this originally supposed to be Fresh Prince the movie and at the last second they changed their minds and just did CG around it to make Will Smith look like he was acting in a robot movie? His boss did kind of look like Uncle Phil...





Then at the end we find out that Will Smith is actually robocop! What the heck??? Could they just not afford to pay to use the robocop license or something??? It became really confusing as I was trying to figure out if this was I, Robot, Robocop or The Fresh Prince of bellair the Movie. Then also at the end everyone had flashlights. Like everyone!! Where did they all come from???? Also they bothered to make the old lady into a hot girl, and include a shower scene, but made the shower to foggy to see anything???

Despite being excited that they had fixed the original flawed novel it turns out that the writers of the script weren't any better at putting a good story together!!! Because of the confusion of trying to figure out what franchise they were working with and for 90% of this "film" being a commercial for converse shoes I have to dish out my lowest possible rating, ** two stars!

The Green Hornet (2011)

This movie is really bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought about just leaving it at that but I didn't want to leave anyone curious enough to go waste their money (or do like I did, and waste time downloading/watching) this turd!

This movie is a reboot of some old show from the 60's that no one cares about. I guess after remaking so many tv shows from the past they are running low so they're just taking what they can. I made the prediction that they would just use the same old ideas from before but add rap music on top of it to make it current, and guess what! That's exactly what this movie is!!!!! They resisted throwing in random pop culture gags somehow though so I must give them credit where credit is due.




This movie is really bad!!!

The movie starts out with some rich guy partying and then his dad dies so he takes his butler out and they kill a cop and chop the head of some statue. What the heck? What kind of start is that for a super hero movie? A really bad one! Then they just go around smashing things and shooting bad guys. Then they fight each other! I was never really sure what the heck they were trying to do or what the movie was about. They kept going back and forth between ripping of Batman Begins and Kickass. Was their original marketing angle to slop two movies together and then say you could just watch one and save time? I don't know.

Then there's the end climax. The green hornet tricked some guy into telling him his plan and he secretly recorded it on a USB drive then him and his sidekick run away. The Green Hornets big plan? "Put it on the internet." Their car has a fax machine but no internet so they drive to the newspaper place where GH works because they need to put it "on the internet". Why do they have to go to the newspaper place? Did they not know they can get on the internet from many places???



instead of having a hot lady in this movie they had someones old mom star in it. what the heck?

I don't know if director Michel Gondry was on her period or what but this movie never knew what it wanted to do. It tried telling jokes but they werent funny. It tried having action scenes but they sucked and looked like something I'd watch as I went to sleep! This tried every movie genre and did really bad at each one!!!!! For these reasons I must give this embarrassment to the american movie industry my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Tron Legacy (2010)

Since i'd finally gotten watching the original out of the way, I felt it was time to go see the new one!! I just hoped the new one was better than the waste of hard drive space the original was.

I decided to go to the theater and see it in 3D instead of downloading a cam version because I heard that's the best way to see it. Then as the movie starts it tells us that "some" of the scenes are in 2D because "that's how they were "meant" to be". What the heck?? As I watched it, it turned out that only like 15% of the movie was in 3D. What a load of BS!!!!!! More like halfway though development they realized that 3D was catching on so they quickly did the remaining scenes in 3D!!

On top of that the movie starts with the characters showing off the action figures that they're selling. What a pointless blatant advertisement!!! Then when Flynn's son goes into "the grid" he hops in one of those big upside down U things and they strap him in much like a ride at Disney World!! So now if you brought your kids into this thing not only did you blow a few extra dollars per movie ticket to see the one minute of 3D footage but also your kids are going to leave wanting the action figures and a trip to Disney World! Great job, Walt!! You really know how to suck us dry!!




A screen cap from the 15 minute scene where Flynn tells his son all about the latest Tron action figures and how they're "in stores now"

The plot is a little bit better than the first. Flynn took the Orange Transportation Unit and hid it in his arcade and turned the world into some big city where you play weird sporting events. He also cloned himself and the clone is evil. He got stuck inside but his son accidentally came inside so now they fight together and get out! His dad didn't make it out because he was hugging his clone or something but his son snuck out some computer program that looked like a lady to presumably be his slave because apparently he's some sort of sick deviant!




This movie would have been a lot better if the whole cast was replaced with just a bunch of Quorra's and they had pillow and tickle fights instead of throwing frisbies 

Another thing that really bothered me was while they were in "The Grid" the movie was basically in black and white except for some red stripes here and there. Did they blow so much of their budget on that one minute of 3d footage that they had to grab some old cameras from the 30s to film those parts??? What the heck!

Because they tricked you into thinking the movie was actually in 3D, and for loading it with commercials, then filming it in black and white I have to give this my lowest possibly score, ** two stars!

Tron (1982)

In preparation to seeing the new Tron movie that's been out for a while now (wasn't able to go see it for a bit but i've got some extra money now!) I decided to see the original since I hadn't ever seen it. I loaded up my favorite torrent site, found an HD copy and waited for it to be downloaded.

What a waste of time!

This is a really weird movie. It's about some company that makes video games but also has a machine that transports oranges into a computer world where old banking programs are turned into people who are forced to play sporting events for the pleasure of the Master Computer Program who is a giant face who says "End Line" a lot. What the heck??? Who wrote this?

This character Flynn goes to play with the Orange Teleportation Device to try and find some old files (instead of using a regular computer?) and this makes the Master Computer really P/Oed!!! He sucks Flynn in and makes him play games with accounting software turned people and he runs away and meets some other programs that just happen to look like his friends (a little bit of Wizard of Oz????) then it turns into the Matrix and Flynn can manipulate the world and then him and his buddies destroy the Master Computer and Flynn flies out of the computer world and suddenly he's printing out documents that says he created all these games.

This is seriously the story, I didn't make any of it up. It sounds like some sort of joke!!! Don't get me started on the effects! It looks like a really low budget playstation game from like 1996!!! All the people are in these glowing suits and then their faces are covered in flour or something. Walt Disney must have been losing his mind when he made this one!




Screenshot from "Tron" copyright Walt Disney

This movie didn't make any sense,and it's special effects are a joke! No one involved with this movie had probably used a computer because none of this stuff makes any sense! I don't really know what else to say about this movie. I don't know why a sequel was made but hopefully it's better than this! I give this turd my lowest possible score, ** two stars!

Up and coming movies: First impressions

Here's my impressions on the upcoming selection of movies hollywood is sending our way. As usual, your money would be better spent dumped in the gutter than seeing any of these duds!!!!

The Green Hornet (opening Jan. 18th) - Another movie based off a TV show. Expect the same jokes/stories/action sequences but with rap music and references to Paris Hilton and The Kardashians.

The Company of Men (Opening Jan 21st) - It's a gay coming of age movie. Not really my thing and it's probably trying to get the same public reaction/free publicity as Brokeback mountain.

No Stings Attached (Opening Jan 21st) - A rock opera based off the N'Snyc album of the same name. Was this really necessary? It's definitely about 10 years too late. Who's idea was this???

Evangerion shin gekijôban: Ha (Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance) - another weird anime from japan. isnt this fad over??? when are they going to stop importing this stuff?? Just look at that name, what the heck? Who would want to see that??

Ong Bak 3 (opening Jan. 14th) - I have no idea what the heck this title means. Isn't very catchy is it? you'll sound like an idiot when you go up to the ticket booth. Forget about inviting a girl to see it w/you because as soon as you utter that title she'll be running the other way! And this is the third in the series? what the heck?? ive never even heard of this thing... that's how bad it is two movies have come and gone with no one noticing. Who the heck financed this?

The Kings Speeches (2010)

Desperate to get out of the house I decided to actually go to the theater for once instead of just hopping on The Pirate Bay to download the latest dud. SSince I doubted it would make a difference in quality i just went and randomly chose a movie. The movie I chose was The Kings Speaches. I should have brought my bed because this one sure was a snoozer!!!

I had forgotten what it was like to see a movie with a room full of other people. Since this was some british movie it was nothing but old geezers and a few younger people who went so they could pretend to be coultered. They aren''t! I actually spotted a guy up front with a respirator. Did they have a field day at the old folks home or is the only movie that someone that ancient can watch? I guess when you've been in both WW1 and WW2 you don't really want to see a movie with a lot of explosions.

The movie was about as exciting as watching these old geezers slowly march up the stairs as they entered the theater. It focused on this guy who was trying to get his brother to stop being king so he could be king. He had the same problem with speech that i do when i'm attempting to converse with a girl. so what? do you think they'd be interested in making a movie about me? no of course not, it was only interesting because this was some rich snob! what the heck!!!



This came up in a google search for boring


for some reason he spent most the movie at some guys house who just stood there and insulted him. Are kings so fond of self-denigration that they pay people to make fun of them? I guess so because this was a historical documentary! I guess years of being treated like a god makes you pretty weird. I'm not sure how this one ended because I dozed off before the ending because after an hour the plot refused to progress. At least i got a pretty decent nap out of it, still 10$ for a nap is an outrage!




This came up in a google search for king

This movie really didn't really have any positive aspects to it. No plot, everyone spoke in british accents, some king really hates himself and talks stupid. And i see that this ran for 118 minutes? wow. They must think we're a bunch of clowns! The old people seemed pretty pleased but most of them are senile or deaf/blind so i really can't place a lot of confidence on their opinions!! Because of all the flaws I must give this movie my lowest possible rating, ** two stars and hope that you'll save your money.

The Fighter (2010)

When choosing a film to review I usually scan the top 10 movies at the box offices, and then try and find a decent torrent of it online. It usually works out and I get to see the movie I want. but not today!!! The only movie in the top 10 I could find a good copy of was The Fighter. I realized beggers can't be choosy and sat down for what I assumed would at least be a decent movie. I was wrong!!!

The first two things I noticed about the movie were its claims to be based off a real story, and the fact that its shot documentary style. Why not just make a real documentary??? Idid a quick bit of detective work and realized it's actually "loosly" based off a real story. They had to work a little "hollywood magic" on it to make it the grand work of art it is now!!

I watched on in horror as I learned about Dickey and Mickey (the characters actual names, not making this up) constantly fail in their boxing careers. I knew something was off with this movie and suddenly it kicked in when "Here I go agai" by Whitesnake began playing in the movie. The target audience for this one was your average joe middle american racist wife beater. Suddenly It all made sense! I was surprised the two boxers weren't part time nascar racers. One of them was a heavy crack user so that part made sense at least.

In case the audience began thinking this was going to be somewhat intelectual or arty they had the main character take his date to a french film where they fall asleep and call it boring because they had to read with subtitles. Then in case the movie gets too smart for the audience they blare more 80's rock periodicly through the movie. Im surprised they didn't figure out a way for Bud Light to come spraying out of the movie screen?

Director David Russell on his way to the movie premiere of "The Fighter" Photo courtesy of Closest to the Hole Productions

THen to really get the audiences blood boiling they have the brothers start beating up the cops for no reason and then the cops start beating them up and they go to jail. These types of movies always places cops as the bad guy because everyone in Middle america hates cops. Id hate the cops too if they kept busting me for delinquent child support payments and meth labs!!!

A quick Google search found a way this movie could have been made better

From this point int he movie they could have easily just spliced the ending from "Rocky 2" in and no one would have noticed. (Or maybe they did!) It was your average predictible boxing movie ending you start thinking uh oh he isnt going to win then suddenly he does! wow!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie was either a bad prank on the movie community or just a low blow to their IQ. I am glad i didnt waste my money seeing this load of garbage in the theater. If iwanted insight in how the average meth addicted car mechanic thought i'd hop on the next bus to oklahoma! I wish it were possible to give a lower score, but unfortunaly I can only give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Black Swan (2010)

Welcome to 2011! This is my first movie review for 2011! Wow! I'm pretty excited! Here goes:

I've overheard people talking about Black Swan at various places since it has come out. At first I thought they had just seen a black swan at the park and were real excited for some reason but as it kept coming up I did some reaserch and well it's a movie! I decided to go see it as part of my NYE celebration (alone, unfortunately).



I think I would have rather seen a nature documentary.


I don't think I can express how P/Oed I was to find out this was a ballet movie!!! Great! I blew my NYE on a girly movie??? Well I already payed my ticket price so I decided to stick with it.

This story is about this selfish girl Nina who, like all girls, must have all the attention all the time. She desperately wants to be the star of this dance and when she doesn't get it she makes out with the director and now suddenly she's the star.

We learn that this girl nearing her 30's still lives with her mom and lives the life of a near baby (which reminds me, I'd better start checking out places to call my own soon..,). Her mom is happy for her getting the role and buys her an expensive cake but Nina has none of that and tries to get her to just throw it away. Why did they make this main character so unlikable??

After all that Nina decides it's time to go out and get drunk and do drugs and get with a few guys (and girls) following this she breaks her moms hand and ruins all her drawings. What the heck?




obviously due to its subject material this movie didn't have a chance

Finally during her performance she turns into a swan briefly (um what???) then just as quickly turns back. Then because she wasn't satisfied with having enough attention she attempts suicide and the movie ends with the audience wondering if she dies or not (hopefully she does)

I can't really find anything good to say about this movie except for the part where I realized it was over. If I wanted to watch a movie about some girl being rude and mean I'd grab the exorcist or something. Is this like a look into what it's like having girls around? I think I might stick to the life of celibacy if that's true. I'm giving this disaster my lowest possible score, ** two stars.