Melancholia (2011)

This is a guest review written by "Humanity" Follow him on twitter here so you can tell him how much you hate him!

Melancholia is a movie about taking baths and the world being angry at
you using all the water so it calls it's friend the big blue planet to
smash into the Earth and kill everyone.  This feautire film is very
artsy so it is split into two parts: the one that is really stupid and
the other one that is really dumb. So basically Kirsten Dunst is this
girl that is really mean to everyone but she has great boobs.  The
director knows that Kirsten Dunst has nice boobs so she is often
showing them off and making a lot of other people jealous.  All her
character really wants to do is take a bath (this is called
foreshadowing, look it up!) but everyone is trying to interrupt her by
throwing a wedding party!!!  Dunst tries a lot of clever ways to take
baths during this wedding night.  The director was very smart, he knew
the script was really short so they film Kirsten Dunst wandering
around the set, going into rooms and the gold course and they just put
it in the movie anyway.  People who know about art can do these sort
of things because it's not dumb in that case it's called being deep or
something, anyway.

In part two Kirsten finally took the bath and is living with her
sister and her boyfriend who is agent Jack Bauer from the hit series
24!  There is a lot of horse riding and they eat meat loaf at some
point.  Ok remember when I told you about the foreshadowing?  I hope
you looked it up because this is where it comes in!  So Kirsten Dunst
takes another bath in this part of the movie and you get to see her
boobs!  Maybe the director used green screen but they looked very
Dunsty so I only assume these are REAL Dunsters D's!  This bath
totally broke the camels back, thats symbolism because the camel is
actually the Earth and it is pissed!  The earth takes out it's planet
size boost mobile phone and calls up the blue planet.  So everyone is
angry at Dunst again because now the blue planet is coming.  The guy
from 24 is so goddamn mad he goes to sleep in the stables and he foams
at the mouth.  Dunst and her sister sit with a kid under some sticks,
obviously they are pretty dumb because those sticks won't stop a
planet.  Everyone dies and the music is way too loud!

Because I hate bathing as much as anyone else I have to give this
movie the lowest possible rating of 2 stars!