Movie Review: Salt (2010)

When I first heard about this movie I was pretty excited. A movie spin-off of Charlie and the Chocolate factory featuring Veruca Salt! I thought she was the most interesting side character of the movie and looked forward to learning more about her. I was pretty surprised to find out it was actually an action movie staring Angelina Jolie (Cyborg 2, Kung Fu Panda)

here's a guy checking out a newspaper ad for "Salt" (2010) . This photo was taken at the exact moment he realized the movie was an action movie, not a spin off from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The story starts with Salt at work for the CIA she's talking spy talk with her spy buddies and then suddenly this Russian guy busts in and wants to talk to her. They say sure we have 26 minutes we can talk. They're informed he speaks "very little" English before they go in. Salt goes into the interrogation room and he tells her this long and elegantly told story about Russia stealing babies (all in english, plothole number one) This story causes everyone to freak out and Salt takes off her panties and jumps out a window.

Has anyone noticed how big angelinas lips are? What the heck?? I really don't like the sound of balloons popping when you fill them up with too much air and kept anticipating that noise while staring at her lips the whole movie. i didnt have time to grab the measuring tape, but i think maybe they were getting bigger as the movie went on. At some points when her lips we zoomed in on i had to look away.

just in case you've never heard of angelina jolie these are her lips. above average in size.

Then it got to a point that bothered me. They're trying to portey her as a bad guy so she's doing all this bad stuff like killing cops, presidents, and shooting spiders up with heroin. Wait... shooting spiders up with heroin??? Like just in case we didn't hate her already we'd be pissed that she was torturing bugs? I dunno kind of brought me out of the movie. So it goes on some more, she kills more people then finally she's arrested for like the 5th and final time and they take her on a helicopter ride to no place in particular or maybe it was so top secret they didn't even want the audience to know? Who knows?????

Then the end of the movie comes: she jumps out of the helicopter, swims to the shore, starts running. At this point you start getting excited because you think there's going to be a wild chace with the helicopter shooting nukes at salt or something, but instead you get the credits. Did they run out of ideas??? Someone spilled juice on the last few pages of the script? trying to set it up for a sequel? well they're not getting my money again, unless it turns out that this was Veruca Salt and it's revealed in the sequel and she visits grown up Charlie in his Choc factory and they kiss and get married, but that probably won't happen! (I did say "probably": if you're reading this, hollywood, make it happen!)

So because of the misleading title and adversing making me think this was related to Veruca Salt and because the sequel will probably just be her doing sick stuff to bugs and frogs and stuff I am forced to give this movie my lowest rating ever ** two stars.