Saw 3D (2010)

What a wild night I had last night!!! My grandma thought since i spend so much time watching movies by myself that I was lonely!! So she sets me up on a blind date with some girl that goes to her church! GREAT. Grandma sure has been doing as much as she can to screw up my loife! At least I was able to con her out of 40$ to pay for the tickets (and I pocketed the rest!)

I go pick up this girl, she says shes ok with scary movies so I promptly suggest Saw 3D. She hadn't heard of it but agreed and I bought the tickets. She seemed OK except she kept going on and on and stuff her and her friends do! I haven't even met these people and I already hate them! Unfortunately when she asked what i did i mentioned this blog and after the movie she went home and read it. I had forgotten that I had voiced my opinion on women in yesterdays post and she texted me and said a few choice words of her own and now im not allowed to get in contact with her. OH WELL.

Lets get to the movie. I had never seen any saw movies before but I heard they were pretty wild! The movie starts with a girl getting sliced up by her two current boyfriends for revenge. Pretyt gory stuff but I thought she deserved it.




the scariest part of this movie waas the fact that this characters face kinda looked like my grandma...

I guess the theater was too cold or something because that girl kept like hugging on to me for warmth. I suggested she take my jacket so we could enjoy our personal space.

Theres not really a whole lot to say about this movie. Theres not good acting, no real story, and just a bunch of people getting mutilated and stuff! I almost puked my guts out!! I know at least my date did a few times, because she ruined a perfectly good bag of popcorn!!!

 Is this some sick sadomasochists sick wet dream or something??? what the heck!!!!!! I guess instead of trying to make a scary story or bother with any story at all they just have this guy walk around a hallway and watching people get killed in some really messed up ways! Maybe the movie studio accidently ordered too much fake blood so they called director Kevin greutert and asked him to get rid of it.

The 3D effects were the same lame 3D effects all 3D movies use, they just stop the movie and chuck stuff into the audience from time to time. Stuff like bullets, lead pipes ect are constantly finding ways to come your way.  Is this really worth the extra 6$ for the effects? i think id rather just hang out with a buddy (if i had one) and we could chuck stuff at each other while smashing ketchup packages. What a wasted night!




3D effects reached their peak in the 3d episode of "Tool Time"

CHeap 3D effects, no story, bad acting, and another uselesss hollywood sequel leave me no choice but to give this my lowest rating yet, ** two stars


PS: Lucy im sorry..

Paranorman Activity 2 (2010)

I finally made it out to see Paranormal activity 2!!! I didnt think iwas going to be able to make it out (I currently have $0.00 to my name) but i happened to find a ten dollar bill in the garbage!!! Talk about my lucky day!! Another mans trash is another mans treasure, true to the word, amen!

Usually i go to the movies during the day for the cheap 5$ matine but since i was sporting a tenner in my pocket i stepped out into the night and saw a late showing. BAD IDEA. When i go before noon i just get to watch it either by myself or with some retired veterans, which are my preferred company because they like being left alone and they stay quiet!!!

This crowd was a bunch of rowdy teens. i slumped into the only empty row and waited for the movie to begin. Behind me were these two teen girls. I learned a lot about girls during the hour the movie played. Turns out they have to say every single thought that pops into their heads, sometimes as many as five times in a row!

Despite the fact that there was never anything going on in the movie both the girls had to team up and put their wits together to try and figure out the plot. One of these girls was constantly asking who the characters on screen were and the other one kept incorrectly guessing what was going to happen next. THIS is why i plan to live my life celibate!!! Girls just don't have any sort of intuactuality, which is a must for me.






Women may seem enticing, until you start talking to one!!!

Lets get to the movie: I never saw the first one so i didnt know what to expect. Instead of using a film crew they set the movie up that the family has a home security system in their house and a teenage daughter who is obsessed with filming every moment of her life. The first half hour of this so called "film" was just the home security cameras cycling between each camera showing the audience how boring these people are.

At this point I'm wondering how the heck did this movie cost 3 million dollars??? There are no famous actors, special effects, or crew to be seen. it looked mostly improvised and i tried to look but i didnt even see much fancy jewelry or things being exploded. Did they just flush the money down the drain for fun????? what the heck?

so anyway finally this demon comes in, and we learn that despite the title this isn't a sequel but a prequel. great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you're like me you're probably hoping the baby dies the whole movie but it doesn't!!! theres just a bunch of doors opening and closing, then the mom gets super over protective and starts flipping out if anyone wants to look at her precious baby. This baby isn't even special, i've seen smarter babies at the morgue! finally the sister shows up and gets all baby crazy at the end and steals the baby away. Where was the paranormal activity???




If you're hoping to see a scary ghost movie, you're better off watching Casper the Friendly Ghost

So to summerize the movie first we get a family hanging out doing nothing, then some doors start opening and closing, then it was just a bunch of baby crazy women flipping out, followed by the end credits. So far this movie has earned 71 million dollars!!!! from now on i'm just going to film people through their windows and mail it to holly wood and sit back and enjoy the cash flow.

I learned a lot about women both from the movie and from the girls behind me but unfortunately that doesnt mean i can give this a good score. If I wanted to watch something like this I could have gotten a security job and just watched the monitors there!!!! Looks like despite my high expectations I must give this one my lowest rating, ** two stars

Laser Guided Reviews: The Shining

Today i'm turning over my blog to my best friend "laser" who wrote this wonderful review of "The sinning":

So, Dings asked me to do a little write up on a horror movie for his internet weblog. I couldn’t really think of a decent one so I rummaged through my “Box ‘o DVD’s borrowed from former roommates (Non-Porn Edition)” and came up with some shitty art house thing called “The Shinning” from like 1962, done by that guy who invented the Rubik’s Cube. (I’m betting it was Daniel’s, that dude seriously cried when we went to go see Up).
I popped the disc in and what my agile young mind was treated to was something like 43 minutes of a car driving. A car. Driving. I mean, were directors even trying back then? I think  maybe once Under Siege came out, directors figured they could never match that, and either killed themselves or started doing boring book adaptations (I mean, didn’t Segal just wreck in that one ( It’s a total shame he died so soon in Executive Decision. But hey, it was for the greater good (obviously Kurt Douglas wasn’t gonna be able to do it by himself (you know, I used to think that was his first movie, but IMDB says it isn’t (Above the Law is))))).
So, I fell asleep at the aforementioned death march that is the opening credits and woke up to a lady that looks like that Muppet I had suppressed sexual urges for, but with black hair and no guitar.




                                                       Coincidence?

She’s talking to Haley Joel Osment (who appeared in the other Rubik movie A.I.D.) about something-or-the-other when Jack Nichols walks in with an axe and starts chopping into a door whilst screaming sitcom slogans. I sat patiently sat waiting for him to yell “dy-no-mite!”, but instead he runs around a large mansion they are stuck in and then dies in a bush maze.




One of these days Alice, I’m gonna bury an axe in your chest!

Yea. That’s it. No ghouls, no zombies, no statuesque-yet-nonthreatening vampires, just a guy with an axe trying to see what on the inside of his family’s skulls, frozen dead. I give this movie 47 lasers. As many of you know, 47 is not nearly enough to take down a cruiser, but enough to do considerable aesthetic and modest structural damage. Please fly to the garage and pay 5609 credits to repair and begin your next mission.


Why did I waste all my credits from the level 3-2 on the “freeze ray”?

Dracula (1931)

The older you get the more you learn. I have recenly learned to never share your interests with anyone over the age of 50. If you read yesterdays post about Frankenstein you should know what I'm talking about. I tell her it was a great film and she believed me. Youll never guess what I came home to today. Not only did she pick up another black and white ancient film called Dracula she also gave me a book of poetry by some guy named Edger Poe. What the heck???? I seriously need to send a letter to the social security offices to let them know she's wasting our hard earned tax dollars!!!

The book went straight into the garbage but I decided to go ahead with the movie since I didnt have any better options. (my friend lazor is out of town for the rest of the week. Some friend!!!)

So this is like a bad version of the more recent bram stroker presents Dracula from the 90's. It seriously contains stuff like bats on strings, Dracula staring at the screen for minutes on end, and no background music AT All. I seriously fell asleep like 3 times and had to keep skipping back to parts I'd missed. Was this movie unfinished and rushed to theAters or did they just not care??? Also this one is also in black and white. that's one shade away from staring at a blank tv screen!!!

Just in case youre curious or think watching classic films will make you seem intellectual (it wont, you pretentious jerk!!!) i've summed up the movie in the following images:












There! Saved you time AND money. You're welcome!

To wrap things up, this really didn't have any redeeming qualities. Supposedly people love this movie but it shares all the same qualities as the bargain bin movies at your local Wal-Mart. It goes without saying that this "film" will revieve my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Frankenstein (1931)

oNCe word of me reviewing scary movies reached my grandma suddenly she's giving me all sorts suggestions. turns out theres no easy way to tell your grammie that her taste in movies stinks!!! luckily she cant actually read this because she cant work a computer and relies on me to print these out for her. (obviously i'll be skipping this one when i bring her my weekly prints)

so i come home today from the grocery store (i go there a few times a day to check all the coin slots on their coke, crane, pony ride ect machines) and find Frankenstein with a big bow on it sitting on my bed. Great! Since I didnt have any money to go to the theaters ( really want to see paranormal activity 2!) i decided why not and popped it in.i'm surprised my grandma actually got a dvd instead of vhs or like an old movie reel or something. (you never know!!!!)

so as you may or may not know this ones a real bore fest. i had to drink like a whole 2 liter of coke just to stay awake!  and like that movie Clerks it's in black and white. great. what the HECK happened with Ted Turners colorvision thing he was always talking about? did he miss one or what???




im as mad as you are ted, where the heck is my color??? i feel like im watching a movie on a gameboy or something

this one is about this unnamed scientist who creates a monster named Frankenstein. Not sure why the name was chosen but my guess is the film producers probably thought the name sounded scary or something.

so the scientist makes this monster, then him and his buddies just gang up on it and beat the crap out of it until it flips out and escapes. im guessing the writer of the film had a bad experience in high school and wrote this movie so people would feel sorry for him. Maybe this kind of stuff got you a hot GF in his day.

eventually the monster runs around and the townsfolk decide that it must die because its different. it grunts and yells and then theres this big climatic scene where they burn down a windmill and they assume the monster has died.

excuse me? where the heck is the horror??? did they think people would be scared because he's all weird looking? i don't get it! how did this movie become so popular? i guess because old people are senile or something.



despite the fact that its probably filled with romance, i would have rather seen the sequel, Bride of Frankenstein. the bride is hot as heck. def. wouldn't have any trouble staying a wake in that one! wonder if that actress is single???


because its utter lack of horror, thrills or chills, the absense of color, the weird name, the feel of a high school coming of age, the senseless killing of frankenstein and the lack of any real reason to sit through this peice of utter garbage i must give this "film" my absolute lowest rating, ** two stars.

Movie Review: The Wolfman (2010)

So, since im doing this movie every day until halloween thing i quickly ran through my movie budget for the rest of the month (after seeing my soul to take twice and Devil). Since my budget was depleted i turned to my friend lazer (not his birth name) to borrow a new-ish horror movie from him. Lazer has like the best DVD collection. Who needs blockbuster when you've got lazer!

So he gives me two things. The Wolfman DVD and a suggestion to check out the song "videogames" by the backout band. I like video games so i watched it. what the heck? a bunch of kids singing about video games. Thanks for wasting my time lazer!!!

so, the wolfman is like all modern movies, a remake!!! universal decided to try and make a few extra bucks and had some hack director and a cast of hack actors that ive never heard of try to make this new movie as close as they can to the original but with like 100$ million worth of special effects. pretty typical stuff if you go to the movies a lot.

so since ive seen a lot of warewolf movies and this one didnt have anything knew i had trouble paying attention. i just kept thinking of that videogame song!!! what the heck was the story behind it???

since i had to see this, you do too

so i grabbed my laptop and did a little research. i came across blackoutband.com which isnt a website for the band, its a website for their song, videogames. what the heck??? as it turns out the genius behind it all is this dude hunter, who, as punishment was told to write a song about video games because of all the time he spent playing video games. then according to the website, everyone started flipping out because it was SO GOOD. they couldnt stop humming it!! The band worked out most the stuff but couldnt come up with any more words (because teenages have no idea how to read or write!!!!!) so hunters mommy wrote the rest for him, and gave him his jammies out of the dryer, along with some cookies and milk then kissed him goodnight. 

so the fab three played at their local talent show in school and, again according to their website, everyone started flipping out EVEN THE TEACHERS. they decided then it was time to make a video and record 3 more songs (instead of bothering to make an album!!!)

someone had rich parents who were trying to live their dreams through their children!!! we should lock up all involved parties and throw away the key!!!!!

so i didnt bother listening to the rest of the songs but i did notice that the group is for hire for TEEN PARTIES if you're planning on throwing one maybe hire them???

so as for the movie, it was nothing but pure garbage, another remake or maybe theyre calling it a sequel i dont know. a guy turns into a warewolf, gets killed by a mob, and repents. there is a howl suggesting there is a new wolfman, of course leaving this open for a sequel. lets all hope they dont make one. because once again hollywood decided to reuse an idea that has been made a billion times i must give this movie my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Devil (2010)

Suge Knight Shyamalan may have dropped the ball with The Last Airbender, but i wasn't about to give up on him. After delivering psychological thriller "The Happening" and the spine tingling action/horror movie "Lady in The Water" i figured it'd be fine to go catch his latest offering "fDevil"

this is the first movie in the planned "The night chronicles triology" films where supernatural things happen in modern enviremonts (just like twilight zone/??) this one is called Devil.

guess what its about???

the DEVIL

instead of making it implied every five minutes someone says something like "uh oh! looks like the devil is here!" just in case anyone is in doubt what the movie is supposed to be about, and in case they didnt catch the movies title.

three things happen in this movie. 

1. a cop stands around making wild guesses (how the heck does he think of his stuff? did he even pass cop school? doubtful)
2. the people stand in an elevator as the lights flick

3. firefighters cut a whole in a the wall. this cutting takes the hole movie to happen and no progress happens unless the camera is on them. what are they doing??? taking breaks???

also how the heck did this movie cost 10$ million dollars? 80% of the movie is people standing in the elevator. theres no special effects and no big name actors. did Suge Knight Shyamalan need 9.5$ to jot the story down on a napkin??? that's the only thing i could figure out (but i'm open to suggestions!!!)

in the movie the devil is just some overweight lady. a metaphor about our capitalist society. while thats a good lesson and all i think that this devil would have been much scarier!!!

there's not really much more to say about this movie except don't go see it. just rent the happening if you're interested in some classic  Shyamalan. this movie obviously draws heavely from 2002's thriller "Phone Booth" and just sticks the devil and some poorly trained cops and firefighters in for some much needed comedic relief.  despite my initial excitement i cant recomend this one, and i must give it my lowest rating, ** two stars

Movie Review: My Soul To Take (2010)

My soul to take is wes cravens latest offering. he is best known for making the movie "screem" 3 times.

the movie starts with 30 or so dream sequences put into one minute, then a guy kills his pregnant wife, then he gets killed a few dozen times by the cops. suddenly in the ambulance they say he probably has 7 souls for each person he killed in him thats why he wont die. then the ambulance explodes. 

then some kids try to resurrect him and the cops chase them away. then as this one kid is going back home he gets killed by this ripper guy (he's back!) then it flashes to another kid crawling though the window. suddenly he's listening to a radio station all about condors while a montage plays of him making a bird out of junk in his room. what the heck??? what am i watching??? This all happened in the first 20 minutes. Make sure you count the amount of times the word "condor" is used!! it's like they were going for a guinness world record or something!!!


its also worth mentioning that the main character is named bug. is Wes trying to scare us or gross us out by making us subconsiosly think of spiders and stuff??? just stick to slashers and leave the deep psychological stuff to someone else, you're not very good at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i brought my camera with me to the theater so i could snap a few shots to use for screenshots in case i could find any on the web. of course some whiny lady goes and complains and i get thrown out!! no justice in the world. so after i got thrown out i had to go to another theater and pay to go see it again. you owe me 10$ Wes Craven!!!!!!

the only screen shot i was able to get before someone snitched on me. next time maybe just watch the movie instead of hassling me!!!!!

for the first 40 minutes i kept thinking two things:
did wes craven take a bunch of random footage, put put it on random then mail it as fast as he could to the theaters??? number two: am i on drugs. i thought about scheduling a drug test to make sure somoene hadnt slipped me anything (possibly a hot girl trying to have her way with me!!!) either wes decided after those 40 minutes to give the audience some sort of easier (barely!) to follow story or someone else took over i dont know.

i dont really know what to say about this movie!!! i was surprised that it wasn't a remake and i also was pleased that i couldn't instantly tell what movie it ripped off but i couldn't follow the plot at all! and i saw it one and a half times!!! (thanks to that b#*&@ who got me kicked out of the theater) because of that i must give this my lowest possible rating, ** two stars. 

ps once again this movie has no topless women so if thats why you go see horror movies skip this one too.

Movie Review: Nightmare Before Elm Street (2010)

Since Halloween is coming up soon I will be doing a review of a horror movie EVERY DAY until Halloween is over.

Todays' reveiw is Nightmare Before Elm Street, another big movie produced by michael bay. One thing i've got to say is what an original story! I've never even thought of an idea like this before. being a fan of the horror genre im surprised it took until 2010 for a movie to focus on someone haunting you in your dreams. i couldnt sleep for the first week after seeing it!!!! and i dont think i was the only one!!

this isn't what freddie looks like in the movie, but what if??? i think more guys would have coughed up the 12$ to see it

now i did enjoy the originality of the story but there were some glaring flaws i couldnt overlook. first of all one of the actresses (Katie cassidy) was supposed to be like 15-17 in this movie, but honestly i had a hard time believing she was any younger than 30. Did she get held back a lot??? some backstory involving sitting out in the sun a bunch??? i dont knwo im baffled!!!!!! the other actors didnt seem much younger but they were at least pretty close


Katie Cassidy celebrating the film wrap for NBES (photo courtosy of New Line Cinema)

The other weird thing was the want to be "romeo and juilet" story. as if that story hasnt been done to death! The characters Nancy and freddie had a relationship but because of the age difference and because he was a janitor and she was from the upper middle class the parents forbid it. but it has a twist, the parents decide to burn freddie alive. what the heck??? little extreme huh? then freddie comes BACK FROM THE DEAD to be with his beloved and shes like uh ew no thanks burn face, ive got a new man now! Can you imagine? then she just straight up kills the poor guy. no idea what the writers were trying to accomplish by making the star character so unlikable.

so despite its originality it was weighed down by the above flaws. a quick note to the guy readers, there are no topless scenes with any of the ladies in this one dispite it being a horror movie, so if thats the kind of thing you rent a movie for, save your hard earned money. i really would like to give this a better score but as a film cridic i have intregity. i cant just give a high score for a "nice try". Because it fell so short i must give this movie my lowest score ever given, ** two stars.

Summer 2009 Blockbusters Roundup!

Everyone knows summer is a big time for movies. Movie studios typically release theyre biggest pictures during the summer (and sometimes thanksgiving!) I thought i'd do a big write up on the summer blockbusters (and show off my new amazon partnership. Amazon: Best deals on the web!)

Summer bloackbusters have a big history, with movies like Jaws, Star Wars IV A new Hope, ET The Extraterrestrial, Terminator, you get the idea!!! It was a time when the best new stories were released. Well not anymore! Here's the slop that we got last year.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - The sequel to a movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - A movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Movie based off a line of books for children about wizards and magic. After seeing the first few duds in the theater (big mistake) I avoided this turd.


Star Trek - A movie based off a 60's sci-fi tv show that only shut in and nerds watch. I watched this one and wow! talk about a rip off. I'd never seen any star Trek stuff before but as a big star wars fan I decided to finally give it a shot. What a rip!!! Obviously the writers were big fans of George Lucas' franchise and wanted a peice of that pie. I suggest someone should watch a Phantom Menace, heck even Dennis the Menace, over this one. 





These are the people i saw in line to see star trek


Ice Age: The Dawn of the Dinosaurs - A sequel to a childrens movie about The Ice age. Not only is this slop scientifically inaccurate, it's not entertaining. I walked out of the first one. I tried to get some people to go with me, siting many obvious flaws in the script, but no one followed. this is what apmerica has come to. sad.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine - This one is the third sequel to a film franchise based on a 50 year old comic book series. This one is a technically a prequel and shows wolvering's origins and he rides a motorcycle and kills some people. 30% or the dialog is wolverine growling and yelling. they must have been trying to save money on ink when it came time to print the scripts and instead changed some stuff to reduce the amount of pages needed down to just a couple. 




Hugh Jackman -Wolverine Origins


Then to finish things off, there were two movies based on old tv shows no one remembers. I guess they tried using these ideas and hoped that we'd think they were original ideas or something??? turns out the media did some researching and it leaked to the public and now everyone knows. These movies are of course THE A-TEAM and LAND OF THE LOST. Both showed up DOA at the theaters and now reside in a dusty warehouse that amazon.com owns. Amazon suggested I do a write up on these movies and link back to them, to trick people into buying them. I hope they don't mind that I couldn't find anything good to say about these movies.





What about this shouts to be remade in a modern movie???  Dont ask me!!!


Unless your brain damaged you know that this years summer didn't provide any better offerings. Check back soon for my recap of this years flops.

Movie Review: Easy A (2010)

I really dont know what to say about this movie. i hadnt heard much about it and hadnt even seen as much as a trailer for it before i saw it. i knew that it was a comedy and it was loosly based on the book the scarlet letter". it "stars" emma stone and penn badgley. one of many cost cutting measures in this movie is to use actors no one has heard of outside of high school plays!!!

Speaking of cost cutting measures, i didnt have enough spare change to go see a 5$ matine this morning but really needed to do a new review so i asked my buddy rich if he would mind getting a torrent of "easy a" for me to review. he seemed amused that i wanted to see that movie and told me to have fun "reviewing" it. sometimes i could do without the sarcasm!!!

so i go home and pop this sucker in and wow. i didnt really know what to expect since i didnt know much about the movie but i really didnt expect this!!! The movie starts with emma stones character playing an unnamed student and penn badgley playing the teacher professor or whatever. he informs her that she's failing class and she says she "do anything!" she needs to do to pass.

this is where i really can't go on. i want this to be a blog families can read together and this movie really gets risque! leave some stuff to our imaginations people! i'd be lying if i said i didn't blush.

this is not the type of movie to bring grandma to!


emma stones and penn badgley in "Easy A". Photo copyright Screen Gems.

well when the film ends Penn informs her that he has changed his mind and she wont be failing after all. she replies with "that was the easiest a ive ever gotten" and giggles and the movie fades out. what the heck??? there was like 5 lines of dialoge and the movie was like 21 minutes long. what a rip!!! They must have really left of a lot of story from the novel on the cutting room floor or maybe they didn't even bother reading it???? or making the script?? some times it seemed like ad libbing. I don't know.

I didn't really have very high expectations since this was an adaptation of a classic novel but they really dropped the ball on this one. hollywood tries pushing sex over substince once again and this review isnt buying it. because of all the changes from the original story and the lowest budget film i've seen screen gem put out (doesn't disney own them??? did they blow their money or someting??) ive just got to give this film my lowest rating ever, ** two stars.

Movie Review: Jackass 3D (2010)

I showed this review to my buddy Laser (not his birth name) and he told me i should inform you that no, I haven't seen this movie. I'm basing my review off my memory of the trailer, commercials for the jackass show on tv, commercials for Backyard Wrestling VHS tapes (vol 1 and 2), and that time I was at my friends house and his redneck cousins came over and glued rats to their arms.

Once Tom Green died of cancer MTV had to hurry and find something to fill their " guy does something painful or dumb" time slot. To out due their previous show they got several guys, and gave them all staplers and tasers and it became a #1 hit in southern america.

Jeff Tremaine producer of "Jackass 3D" getting ready to "produce"

It became so popular that they made 3 movies and all three movies were really popular and i accidentally heard people talk about it on the bus a few times.

Like the first two movies it's just a compilation of footage of Johny Bravo, Bam Margerra, Steve-O and others poop and fart on each other while someone shoots them with bullets. at one point they throw a guy in a porta potty with a big sling shot or something and that one guy does some tricks on his parents. I bet they didn't even bother writing a script! Fans of the sinema, like myself, are obviously pretty P/Oed!!! (p*@!$ed off)

The worst part is they obviously stole the idea from the three stooges. or maybe they say they "adapted" it i dont know. nothing that comes from hollywood ever bothers to be original anymore so i guess i shouldnt be surprised!!!!

hmmm i wonder where they got their ideas from??????????????????????????

Oh I forgot to mention this was in 3D so the films stars probably take breaks sniffing farts and shoot ping pong balls out into the audience for half an hour.

I like the idea of these guys hurting themselves and would give this a high rating if they hadnt obviously stolen the idea from the three stooges, and for the part where they shoot ping pong balls at the camera really felt forced. Along with all my fellow film critics i give this my loweswt rating ever ** two stars.

Movie Review: Nowhere Boy (2010)

I didn't choose todays movie. I woke up early and ran to the local theater to get the early 5$ matinée. I'd overslept so I didn't have time to see what was playing so I asked the movie attendant to suggest one. I don't know why I trusted his opinion his opinion. He sat in his booth obviously high, I don't know if there was a dress code for the theater but he was wearing a tie dye shirt. He suggested I see "Nowhere Boy". I'd forgotten my glasses at home so I couldn't read what else was playing so I took his word.

Never let some burnt out hippie choose what movie you watch. This was some coming of age movie set in the 50's. The central character was a guy named john Lennon. Not really much to this character, just runs around and yells and punches people.

The movie starts with his uncle dying, and he spots some red haired girl at the funeral. The go on what looks like a date and you imagine this is his girlfriend but you find out soon it's his mom... what the heck???? at this point I popped out of the movie to grab a drink as i was feeling noxious.

So I come back and the movie is still playing, much to my dismay. It turns out he wants to play rock and roll so he grabs an acoustic guitar. what the heck? since when did acoustic guitars mean rock n roll? i google searched pantera and noticed they all had electric. did the writers do any fact checking? i'm guessing no.

which one looks like rock and roll? acoustic or electric? just one of the many problems with "Nowhere boy"

then at one point they're playing a "gig" with all acoustic instruments outside and there's this big crowd and even the people in the back are dancing. once again, no fact checking, without amplification there would have been no way for those in the back to hear them. terrible.

so his band the quarrymen gets some more members, john gets in trouble, and keeps moving in with his mom back to his aunt and repeat. finally there's this big showdown and his mom and aunt duke it out (finally some action) but its soon over and it just makes them friends.

at this point i just decided to cut my losses and leave the theater. i didn't find the lead character to be very interesting and as it was alluded in the beginning, and even the title, of the movie he seems to just keep going nowhere. wow a coming of age movie about a guy who never does anything. i'm guessing the script was mostly blank paper and they ad libbed based on whatever the directer felt like having them do.

because it's characters didn't feel real or even interesting, and because the movie tricks the audience into thinking the lead character was on a date only to reveal it was actually just him hanging out with his mom i must give this movie my lowest rating ever, ** two stars.

just a quick after thought: after being tricked into seeing that stinker i called the theater and made up some complaints about that hippy who suggested it to me and hopefully they fired him

never trust the opinion of anyone that looks even remotely like this

Movie Review: Salt (2010)

When I first heard about this movie I was pretty excited. A movie spin-off of Charlie and the Chocolate factory featuring Veruca Salt! I thought she was the most interesting side character of the movie and looked forward to learning more about her. I was pretty surprised to find out it was actually an action movie staring Angelina Jolie (Cyborg 2, Kung Fu Panda)

here's a guy checking out a newspaper ad for "Salt" (2010) . This photo was taken at the exact moment he realized the movie was an action movie, not a spin off from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The story starts with Salt at work for the CIA she's talking spy talk with her spy buddies and then suddenly this Russian guy busts in and wants to talk to her. They say sure we have 26 minutes we can talk. They're informed he speaks "very little" English before they go in. Salt goes into the interrogation room and he tells her this long and elegantly told story about Russia stealing babies (all in english, plothole number one) This story causes everyone to freak out and Salt takes off her panties and jumps out a window.

Has anyone noticed how big angelinas lips are? What the heck?? I really don't like the sound of balloons popping when you fill them up with too much air and kept anticipating that noise while staring at her lips the whole movie. i didnt have time to grab the measuring tape, but i think maybe they were getting bigger as the movie went on. At some points when her lips we zoomed in on i had to look away.

just in case you've never heard of angelina jolie these are her lips. above average in size.

Then it got to a point that bothered me. They're trying to portey her as a bad guy so she's doing all this bad stuff like killing cops, presidents, and shooting spiders up with heroin. Wait... shooting spiders up with heroin??? Like just in case we didn't hate her already we'd be pissed that she was torturing bugs? I dunno kind of brought me out of the movie. So it goes on some more, she kills more people then finally she's arrested for like the 5th and final time and they take her on a helicopter ride to no place in particular or maybe it was so top secret they didn't even want the audience to know? Who knows?????

Then the end of the movie comes: she jumps out of the helicopter, swims to the shore, starts running. At this point you start getting excited because you think there's going to be a wild chace with the helicopter shooting nukes at salt or something, but instead you get the credits. Did they run out of ideas??? Someone spilled juice on the last few pages of the script? trying to set it up for a sequel? well they're not getting my money again, unless it turns out that this was Veruca Salt and it's revealed in the sequel and she visits grown up Charlie in his Choc factory and they kiss and get married, but that probably won't happen! (I did say "probably": if you're reading this, hollywood, make it happen!)

So because of the misleading title and adversing making me think this was related to Veruca Salt and because the sequel will probably just be her doing sick stuff to bugs and frogs and stuff I am forced to give this movie my lowest rating ever ** two stars.

Nostalgic Memories: Blockbuster

It shouldn't be any surprise to movie fans that Blockbuster is going out of business. Any sane person downloads a dvd/blu-ray rip from their favorite torrent site, uses Netflix, or goes to a red box location (in that order) before they'd want to bother with the hassle of a movie rental store.

I mean you have to drive there, open a membership, rent it and then bring it back or else you'll have to pay late fees! What the heck? When you go to check out you have to wander through a labyrinth of aisles filled with cheap movie memorabilia like chiseled busts from Norbet. Then on top of that they want to charge like 8$! New Dvd's are 10.99 now. The worst part is if you try to run out with your sweatshirt and JNCOs filled with dvds they'll usually get pissed and make the cops arrest you. Why bother with all that??

Get used to seeing this (except for the other store locations being mentioned)

Usually i'll get a bottled pop with my movie and they always suggest I can get two drinks and a popcorn for only 1$ more. What? Do you think if I do that I'll feel obligated to invite you over and share? Leave me alone!!!

Movie Review: The Last Airbender (2010)

Suge Knight Shyamalan follows up his critically aclaimed movie "The Happening" with The Last Airbender.

Directer Suge Knight Shyamalan promotional photography. Copyright Blinding Edge Pictures 2010

Hollywood must be feeling awfully desperate if they're harvesting film ideas from Nickelodeon's cartoons for children and babies. I tried to just forget that fact and give the film an honest shot.

The movie starts out somewhere in the north pole and these two kids are punching the ice trying to find food. Instead of food a boy and a flying sloth jump out of the water. they go check the boy and and notice he's a gangbanger with tattoos everywhere.

It is revealed later that he is an airbender. being an airbender doesnt sound so special. you can get a cardboard tube, which is full of air, and bend that and wow you're an airbender. I think air pusher or wind creator would have been more technically correct. i would also suggest wind breaker but a movie called the last wind breaker would probably make the public think it was about farting, and would be very disappointing to movie goers.

so the plot drags on and the airbender gets captured a few dozen times by the same guy and it gets really old. along the way meets other people that can bend other elements and he confesses he needs to learn them all because he's trying to show of for his girlfriend.

I guess Suge Knight Shyamalan wasn't happy with the original film run time and slowed down all the action and battle speeds to half speed so it could stretch the film closer to two hours. i dont really blame him for trying to make the movie longer so ticket buyers would feel like their money was well spent but i just fast forwarded.

later water people are trying to fight the bad guys the fire people. the fire people have to have a bucket of fire with them because they can't create fire. instead of the water people just "bending" the water to fall on the fire and put it out they just fight them with sticks. the fire king then eats a fish and catches on fire. He runs away to do stuff and Suge Knight Shyamalan decides to reference his older movie "lady in the water" and has a lady go into the water. feeled pretty forced but I guess he wanted to show off that he also wrote and directed that movie. Someone at some point around this time in the movie says "let your emotions flow like water"

Water puts out fire. Someone involved with the writing of this movie didn't realize this or something

Anyway the movie ends and sets up for a sequel and then the credits roll.

After seeing blockbusters "Lady in the Water", and "The Happening" I was really excited to see what was next in Suge Knight's world. If I was him I would have put my arch enemies name on the credits instead of my own after watching the final print. I was very disappointed because of the problems listed above and because of the confusing references to James Cameron's "Avatar" I must give this film my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Movie Review: Scott Pilgrim VS. The World (2010)

this is a Movie about Scott Pilgrum (Michael Cera) who has to versus the world.

I have to admit ive been looking forward to seeing this one! unfortunately i missed it in the theater. Having some spare time on my hands i headed to the video store this morning to get it. for some reason none of the local shops i went to had it (sold out? wow popular movie) I was about to give up and just go home and go back to sleep when something caught my eye. some guy i was walking by was selling new releases on a rug. wow! interesting business model. guess he wont have to worry about paying overhead. smart guy

needless to say i bought it and rushed home to watch it. pretty fascinating movie. The plot is Scott Pilgrum (Michael Cera) has to versus the world. turns out the world consists of 7 of his girlfriends exes? does that mean the rest of the cast is from outer space or mars? little bit confusing but this wasn't a normal movie so i suspended my beliefs. it doesn't really get into it much but i think his girlfriend Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is Clementine Kruczynski from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind making this a prequel? I guess she ended up going back to new york later? I don't know but why does hollywood keep making prequels? (i assume it's a prequel because Jim Carry's character Joel doesn't show up which means they haven't dated yet)

It's also impossible to ignore the visual design of this movie. Some stuff was really cool while some stuff i just didn't get. Like all the weird russian writing all over the movie? was this movie made for russia? no wonder it didnt do very well in theaters.

what does this say? i don't want to have to pause the movie and run out and buy a russian translation book!

Most visual effects were really cool and some were just confusing. every now and then there would be a silhouette of someone walking across or something. i know its supposed to be a very stylized movie but that just doesn't make sense.

who are these people? are they allusions to upcoming exes scott must fight? i don't know maybe this movie is too arty for me.

I had high hopes for this but unfortunately hollywood has put out another dud. Another unnecessary prequel and weird and distracting special effects leave me no choice but to give this my lowest rating ** two stars