E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

This has got to be one of the sickest most depraved movies I've ever seen. Stephen Spielberg should rot in jail for this disgrace to the mind!

The movie starts out with these alien guys ditching one of their own on earth to die like the wretched scum he is but instead he wonders off to go seduce a young boy and eat his garbage. First this alien just messes with the boy then he follows him into his own home and puts some sort of sleeping spell on the lad, the kid falls asleep, the alien leers and then scene cut to black luckily.



It's no secret why these two get along 


Not only is this a movie filled with filth, it's also chocked full of blatant product placement. Reece's Pieces, Speak and Spell, and Coor's among many others! And of course Spielberg didn't have any problem with making regular length ET commercials for pepsi, Pizza Hut and some phone company I dont remember.


Et the extra "pepsi" terrestrial 




Spielberg also made the worst video game possible (ET for atari) which actually caused the video game industry to crash and caused many companies to go bankrupt.

Why was Spielberg such a jerk?????

In the end of the movie there's symbolism that ET is a real piece of shit (he turned white and died by the river) and then Spielberg resurrected him and turns him into Jesus, then he makes him gay by making his ship shoot a rainbow? This guy really didn't have any trouble stomping on anyone to make this filthy film of hate and bigotry. I'm going to stop here before I make myself sick, it obviously recieves my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Blech.

I, Robot (2004)

When I was in school one time my teacher made us read this book called I, Robot. I was pretty excited at the time! A book about robots instead of old english literature about girls falling in love with horses or whatever. Unfortunately, like most books this one let me down! It was just a bunch of short stories about scientists deducting things. Boring! And with out pictures it was impossible for me to stay interested!!!

So there i was today inspecting the dollar bin at best Buy, when I came across this movie! I had finally collected about 125 pennies and decided to grab a dollar bin movie to review and this one seemed to be the best of the bunch! The clerk made some snide comments about my method of payment and I made a mental note to write a letter to "Mitch"es manager.

Guess what! This movie isn't boring like the book! They completely removed the entire story and just kept the name! The only thing they left in from the book was this character Dr. Calvin who was some old lady psychiatrist and they turned her into a hot chick. Probably the best book to movie adaptation I have yet to see!

For a second there I thought this was going to be a good movie! I was excited!  But then I noticed that they kept talking about converse shoes. There was like a 10 minute scene where Will Smith was excited about getting some "vintage" 2004 converse and talks about how good they are for a long time. Then random people every 20 minutes in the movie stop and talk to him about how cool his converse are. What the heck??? Was this a commercial or a movie????



Check out this image. Now you've seen most of I, Robot.


Also I guess Will smith either forgot to read the script or had spent too much time doing his Fresh Prince show because he just kept acting like the Fresh Prince. Was this originally supposed to be Fresh Prince the movie and at the last second they changed their minds and just did CG around it to make Will Smith look like he was acting in a robot movie? His boss did kind of look like Uncle Phil...





Then at the end we find out that Will Smith is actually robocop! What the heck??? Could they just not afford to pay to use the robocop license or something??? It became really confusing as I was trying to figure out if this was I, Robot, Robocop or The Fresh Prince of bellair the Movie. Then also at the end everyone had flashlights. Like everyone!! Where did they all come from???? Also they bothered to make the old lady into a hot girl, and include a shower scene, but made the shower to foggy to see anything???

Despite being excited that they had fixed the original flawed novel it turns out that the writers of the script weren't any better at putting a good story together!!! Because of the confusion of trying to figure out what franchise they were working with and for 90% of this "film" being a commercial for converse shoes I have to dish out my lowest possible rating, ** two stars!

The Green Hornet (2011)

This movie is really bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought about just leaving it at that but I didn't want to leave anyone curious enough to go waste their money (or do like I did, and waste time downloading/watching) this turd!

This movie is a reboot of some old show from the 60's that no one cares about. I guess after remaking so many tv shows from the past they are running low so they're just taking what they can. I made the prediction that they would just use the same old ideas from before but add rap music on top of it to make it current, and guess what! That's exactly what this movie is!!!!! They resisted throwing in random pop culture gags somehow though so I must give them credit where credit is due.




This movie is really bad!!!

The movie starts out with some rich guy partying and then his dad dies so he takes his butler out and they kill a cop and chop the head of some statue. What the heck? What kind of start is that for a super hero movie? A really bad one! Then they just go around smashing things and shooting bad guys. Then they fight each other! I was never really sure what the heck they were trying to do or what the movie was about. They kept going back and forth between ripping of Batman Begins and Kickass. Was their original marketing angle to slop two movies together and then say you could just watch one and save time? I don't know.

Then there's the end climax. The green hornet tricked some guy into telling him his plan and he secretly recorded it on a USB drive then him and his sidekick run away. The Green Hornets big plan? "Put it on the internet." Their car has a fax machine but no internet so they drive to the newspaper place where GH works because they need to put it "on the internet". Why do they have to go to the newspaper place? Did they not know they can get on the internet from many places???



instead of having a hot lady in this movie they had someones old mom star in it. what the heck?

I don't know if director Michel Gondry was on her period or what but this movie never knew what it wanted to do. It tried telling jokes but they werent funny. It tried having action scenes but they sucked and looked like something I'd watch as I went to sleep! This tried every movie genre and did really bad at each one!!!!! For these reasons I must give this embarrassment to the american movie industry my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Tron Legacy (2010)

Since i'd finally gotten watching the original out of the way, I felt it was time to go see the new one!! I just hoped the new one was better than the waste of hard drive space the original was.

I decided to go to the theater and see it in 3D instead of downloading a cam version because I heard that's the best way to see it. Then as the movie starts it tells us that "some" of the scenes are in 2D because "that's how they were "meant" to be". What the heck?? As I watched it, it turned out that only like 15% of the movie was in 3D. What a load of BS!!!!!! More like halfway though development they realized that 3D was catching on so they quickly did the remaining scenes in 3D!!

On top of that the movie starts with the characters showing off the action figures that they're selling. What a pointless blatant advertisement!!! Then when Flynn's son goes into "the grid" he hops in one of those big upside down U things and they strap him in much like a ride at Disney World!! So now if you brought your kids into this thing not only did you blow a few extra dollars per movie ticket to see the one minute of 3D footage but also your kids are going to leave wanting the action figures and a trip to Disney World! Great job, Walt!! You really know how to suck us dry!!




A screen cap from the 15 minute scene where Flynn tells his son all about the latest Tron action figures and how they're "in stores now"

The plot is a little bit better than the first. Flynn took the Orange Transportation Unit and hid it in his arcade and turned the world into some big city where you play weird sporting events. He also cloned himself and the clone is evil. He got stuck inside but his son accidentally came inside so now they fight together and get out! His dad didn't make it out because he was hugging his clone or something but his son snuck out some computer program that looked like a lady to presumably be his slave because apparently he's some sort of sick deviant!




This movie would have been a lot better if the whole cast was replaced with just a bunch of Quorra's and they had pillow and tickle fights instead of throwing frisbies 

Another thing that really bothered me was while they were in "The Grid" the movie was basically in black and white except for some red stripes here and there. Did they blow so much of their budget on that one minute of 3d footage that they had to grab some old cameras from the 30s to film those parts??? What the heck!

Because they tricked you into thinking the movie was actually in 3D, and for loading it with commercials, then filming it in black and white I have to give this my lowest possibly score, ** two stars!

Tron (1982)

In preparation to seeing the new Tron movie that's been out for a while now (wasn't able to go see it for a bit but i've got some extra money now!) I decided to see the original since I hadn't ever seen it. I loaded up my favorite torrent site, found an HD copy and waited for it to be downloaded.

What a waste of time!

This is a really weird movie. It's about some company that makes video games but also has a machine that transports oranges into a computer world where old banking programs are turned into people who are forced to play sporting events for the pleasure of the Master Computer Program who is a giant face who says "End Line" a lot. What the heck??? Who wrote this?

This character Flynn goes to play with the Orange Teleportation Device to try and find some old files (instead of using a regular computer?) and this makes the Master Computer really P/Oed!!! He sucks Flynn in and makes him play games with accounting software turned people and he runs away and meets some other programs that just happen to look like his friends (a little bit of Wizard of Oz????) then it turns into the Matrix and Flynn can manipulate the world and then him and his buddies destroy the Master Computer and Flynn flies out of the computer world and suddenly he's printing out documents that says he created all these games.

This is seriously the story, I didn't make any of it up. It sounds like some sort of joke!!! Don't get me started on the effects! It looks like a really low budget playstation game from like 1996!!! All the people are in these glowing suits and then their faces are covered in flour or something. Walt Disney must have been losing his mind when he made this one!




Screenshot from "Tron" copyright Walt Disney

This movie didn't make any sense,and it's special effects are a joke! No one involved with this movie had probably used a computer because none of this stuff makes any sense! I don't really know what else to say about this movie. I don't know why a sequel was made but hopefully it's better than this! I give this turd my lowest possible score, ** two stars!

Up and coming movies: First impressions

Here's my impressions on the upcoming selection of movies hollywood is sending our way. As usual, your money would be better spent dumped in the gutter than seeing any of these duds!!!!

The Green Hornet (opening Jan. 18th) - Another movie based off a TV show. Expect the same jokes/stories/action sequences but with rap music and references to Paris Hilton and The Kardashians.

The Company of Men (Opening Jan 21st) - It's a gay coming of age movie. Not really my thing and it's probably trying to get the same public reaction/free publicity as Brokeback mountain.

No Stings Attached (Opening Jan 21st) - A rock opera based off the N'Snyc album of the same name. Was this really necessary? It's definitely about 10 years too late. Who's idea was this???

Evangerion shin gekijôban: Ha (Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance) - another weird anime from japan. isnt this fad over??? when are they going to stop importing this stuff?? Just look at that name, what the heck? Who would want to see that??

Ong Bak 3 (opening Jan. 14th) - I have no idea what the heck this title means. Isn't very catchy is it? you'll sound like an idiot when you go up to the ticket booth. Forget about inviting a girl to see it w/you because as soon as you utter that title she'll be running the other way! And this is the third in the series? what the heck?? ive never even heard of this thing... that's how bad it is two movies have come and gone with no one noticing. Who the heck financed this?

The Kings Speeches (2010)

Desperate to get out of the house I decided to actually go to the theater for once instead of just hopping on The Pirate Bay to download the latest dud. SSince I doubted it would make a difference in quality i just went and randomly chose a movie. The movie I chose was The Kings Speaches. I should have brought my bed because this one sure was a snoozer!!!

I had forgotten what it was like to see a movie with a room full of other people. Since this was some british movie it was nothing but old geezers and a few younger people who went so they could pretend to be coultered. They aren''t! I actually spotted a guy up front with a respirator. Did they have a field day at the old folks home or is the only movie that someone that ancient can watch? I guess when you've been in both WW1 and WW2 you don't really want to see a movie with a lot of explosions.

The movie was about as exciting as watching these old geezers slowly march up the stairs as they entered the theater. It focused on this guy who was trying to get his brother to stop being king so he could be king. He had the same problem with speech that i do when i'm attempting to converse with a girl. so what? do you think they'd be interested in making a movie about me? no of course not, it was only interesting because this was some rich snob! what the heck!!!



This came up in a google search for boring


for some reason he spent most the movie at some guys house who just stood there and insulted him. Are kings so fond of self-denigration that they pay people to make fun of them? I guess so because this was a historical documentary! I guess years of being treated like a god makes you pretty weird. I'm not sure how this one ended because I dozed off before the ending because after an hour the plot refused to progress. At least i got a pretty decent nap out of it, still 10$ for a nap is an outrage!




This came up in a google search for king

This movie really didn't really have any positive aspects to it. No plot, everyone spoke in british accents, some king really hates himself and talks stupid. And i see that this ran for 118 minutes? wow. They must think we're a bunch of clowns! The old people seemed pretty pleased but most of them are senile or deaf/blind so i really can't place a lot of confidence on their opinions!! Because of all the flaws I must give this movie my lowest possible rating, ** two stars and hope that you'll save your money.

The Fighter (2010)

When choosing a film to review I usually scan the top 10 movies at the box offices, and then try and find a decent torrent of it online. It usually works out and I get to see the movie I want. but not today!!! The only movie in the top 10 I could find a good copy of was The Fighter. I realized beggers can't be choosy and sat down for what I assumed would at least be a decent movie. I was wrong!!!

The first two things I noticed about the movie were its claims to be based off a real story, and the fact that its shot documentary style. Why not just make a real documentary??? Idid a quick bit of detective work and realized it's actually "loosly" based off a real story. They had to work a little "hollywood magic" on it to make it the grand work of art it is now!!

I watched on in horror as I learned about Dickey and Mickey (the characters actual names, not making this up) constantly fail in their boxing careers. I knew something was off with this movie and suddenly it kicked in when "Here I go agai" by Whitesnake began playing in the movie. The target audience for this one was your average joe middle american racist wife beater. Suddenly It all made sense! I was surprised the two boxers weren't part time nascar racers. One of them was a heavy crack user so that part made sense at least.

In case the audience began thinking this was going to be somewhat intelectual or arty they had the main character take his date to a french film where they fall asleep and call it boring because they had to read with subtitles. Then in case the movie gets too smart for the audience they blare more 80's rock periodicly through the movie. Im surprised they didn't figure out a way for Bud Light to come spraying out of the movie screen?

Director David Russell on his way to the movie premiere of "The Fighter" Photo courtesy of Closest to the Hole Productions

THen to really get the audiences blood boiling they have the brothers start beating up the cops for no reason and then the cops start beating them up and they go to jail. These types of movies always places cops as the bad guy because everyone in Middle america hates cops. Id hate the cops too if they kept busting me for delinquent child support payments and meth labs!!!

A quick Google search found a way this movie could have been made better

From this point int he movie they could have easily just spliced the ending from "Rocky 2" in and no one would have noticed. (Or maybe they did!) It was your average predictible boxing movie ending you start thinking uh oh he isnt going to win then suddenly he does! wow!!!!!!!!!!!!

This movie was either a bad prank on the movie community or just a low blow to their IQ. I am glad i didnt waste my money seeing this load of garbage in the theater. If iwanted insight in how the average meth addicted car mechanic thought i'd hop on the next bus to oklahoma! I wish it were possible to give a lower score, but unfortunaly I can only give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Black Swan (2010)

Welcome to 2011! This is my first movie review for 2011! Wow! I'm pretty excited! Here goes:

I've overheard people talking about Black Swan at various places since it has come out. At first I thought they had just seen a black swan at the park and were real excited for some reason but as it kept coming up I did some reaserch and well it's a movie! I decided to go see it as part of my NYE celebration (alone, unfortunately).



I think I would have rather seen a nature documentary.


I don't think I can express how P/Oed I was to find out this was a ballet movie!!! Great! I blew my NYE on a girly movie??? Well I already payed my ticket price so I decided to stick with it.

This story is about this selfish girl Nina who, like all girls, must have all the attention all the time. She desperately wants to be the star of this dance and when she doesn't get it she makes out with the director and now suddenly she's the star.

We learn that this girl nearing her 30's still lives with her mom and lives the life of a near baby (which reminds me, I'd better start checking out places to call my own soon..,). Her mom is happy for her getting the role and buys her an expensive cake but Nina has none of that and tries to get her to just throw it away. Why did they make this main character so unlikable??

After all that Nina decides it's time to go out and get drunk and do drugs and get with a few guys (and girls) following this she breaks her moms hand and ruins all her drawings. What the heck?




obviously due to its subject material this movie didn't have a chance

Finally during her performance she turns into a swan briefly (um what???) then just as quickly turns back. Then because she wasn't satisfied with having enough attention she attempts suicide and the movie ends with the audience wondering if she dies or not (hopefully she does)

I can't really find anything good to say about this movie except for the part where I realized it was over. If I wanted to watch a movie about some girl being rude and mean I'd grab the exorcist or something. Is this like a look into what it's like having girls around? I think I might stick to the life of celibacy if that's true. I'm giving this disaster my lowest possible score, ** two stars.