Burlesque (2010)

My grandma surprised me yesterday by actually offering to take me to see a movie!!! I was surprised as heck! Instead of her blowing her taxpayer funded socials security checks on antiques and telethons she was actually going to something nice for someone else! I Guess she felt guilty about cancelling my allowence!

So then comes the next shock: she wants to see this movie called burlesque!! I knew i heard thtat name before so i told her to hold on a sec and ran to my computer and did a quick search. Burlesque was stripping!!!!! My grandma was going to take me to see a movie about (and most likely featuring) stripping!! That would mean I would be seeing boobs today. Suddenly everything seemed pretty OK in my book!!!

Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get there and sit down and Gradnma was so glad I came she actually bought me snacks and and a drink! I was begining to think it was time to drop her off at the old folks home when the movie began. What the heck?? Who makes a movie about stripping and fills it with old ladies and bloated weirdos?? WWas my grandma trying to torture me or someting?? 

this is one of the "hot ladies" featured in this disaster 

This movie featured nothing but eleberate sttage and dance numbers featuring some of the WORST songs i've ever heard. (i'm usually more interested in classical musc) 

this one has been left in the sun too long

The movie follows this annoying waitress who doesn't ever shut up who wants to go to LA and make someone listen to her yell-sing. We have to watch as this unlikable character works her way up to the top and sings at this place she's working. Some times i'd look over at my grandma and she'd be snapping her fingers to the songs and dancing a little. It was the worst day of my life.

There's not even any nudity in this "FILM". Worst peice of garbage ever made and I hope everyone involved falls down several flights of stairs! I give this peice of garbage my lowest possible score, ** two stars

I'm writing another letter to my congressman to ask him to seriously consider taking away my grandmas social security checks

ThanksKilling (2009)

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow I decided to watch something to celebrate the season. Unfortunately, much to my surprise, no one has made any Thanksgiving themed movies! What the heck is with that? We have like 10000000000000000000000000000000 christmas movies, a few dozen halloween movies, easter specials and movies ECT ECT but no thanksgiving movies/ what theheck

except for one; ThanksKilling. A movie about what happens when the turkey fights back. I thought this sounded like a great horror flick and excitedly downloaded it from my favorite torrent site (piratebay)

Unfortunately this movie blows!!!! There's like NO budget. TTo celebrate the first Thanksgiving movie they could have at least went to the bank and got a loan or something instead of just all putting their christmas bonuses from Long John Silvers together and producing this turd!!!

Not only does the movie look cheap (the turkey is a handpuppet!!!! and poorly made too has anyone involved with the movie even seen a turkey??/) but also it's totally unbelievable, even by horror movie standards. There's a scene where the turkey kills one of the character's father and then just slices his face off and puts it over his, but still leaves his turkey body. and no one notices! did they ever stop to think about how that would never possibly happen IRL (in real life)???




THIS is what a turkey looks like! mail this image to the "film makers'' who did this movie ASAP!!!

Then the whole movie focuses on finding out the ellaberate way to kill the turkey and do it. then they do it and surprise! the turkey is back again!!!!!!!! Then they set it up for a sequel! I HATE WHen movies do that!! Especially when the firs tmovie is so terrible!!!!

This movie is a total disgrase not only to the horror genre, but to the first Thanksgiving movie. If done well it could have become a family tradition nationwide! But it wont now! Also it's like barely over an hour long. Were they even trying??? What a waste of my time. I'm giving this b(t)i(u)rd my lowest possible rating, ** two stars

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part one)

Harry potter's first book was first published in 1997. It's now 2010 and we're still hearing about this dork!!!!!!!! Hollywood is trying to squeeze all the money out of this one as possible. In fear of having to think of a new idea to fill their future filming schedules they did something desperate. They split up the last book into two movies. what the heck????? Also since it's been so long popularity is starting to fall fast and there's lots of annoying things they threw in this movie to try and get a new crowd in.

Nothing really happens in this movie. They walk around and talk a lot, and every now and then the director wakes up and throws in some short lived action scenes. The most action packed part of the movie was the credits, the way they flew from the bottom of the screen to the top almost took my breath away after watching this snoozer!!!!!

This whole movie felt like DVD out takes of stuff that should have been cut, but they (hollywood USA) decided to bloat this dud as fat as they could in order to get two for the price of one! Scenes of Harry going somewhere to give his parents grave some flowers, Harry and Hermione's five minute dance scene, Harry digging a hole, Rons entire nap and pretty much the rest of this movie could have been cut. It went no where!!!!!!!!!!

There was also a lot of stuff they threw in to try and get the Twilight fans in theater seats. They added a lot of shirtless scenes of Harry and Ron (which grossed me the heck out!!) and a nude scene with Harry and Hermione making out. They also threw in the word "Twilight" several times, even making a big deal about the words use to make people really notice!! Was that really necessary??? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




your average twilight fan

Another thing that bothered me was You could easily tell a girl wrote the books because all the men characters seem weak compared to Hermione (who's name isn't too different from Heroine) and the evil Bellatrix Lestrange who makes the weak men counterparts tremble when she's around. Sounds like someone had daddy issues!!!!!! (btw i just check and JK is divorced. No surprise there!)




enjoy the single life!

So in summary, this movie sufferes from being split in two, lots of useless "Twighlight" references, and some weird feminist propoganda. This film certainly deserves my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Dig! (2004)

Lately I've been asking for suggestions from my dear readers for movies to review. My goal is to find at least one movie i like! So far no luck. But "Do not give up!" george Washington *our first president* once said.

Todays review, for the movie "DiG!" (thats how they write the movie's name, don't blame me!) comes from some crook that calls himself "kliksf". I should have known what I was in for since this clown can't even give me a real name!!!!!!!!! 

He actually gave me like a whole paragraph of fine films to review, i chose this one because i thought it would be about digging or coal mines or something exciting. I couldn't figure out what the heck they were trying to do with this movie. It's kind of a rip off of the movie "Spine Tap" a "mock"umentry about a fake 80s band. I guess they were trying to out do that film by making it about two fake bands who are stuck in the 60's!




I would have rather watched a movie about this

So anyway the camera crew follows around these two bands as they play to empty rooms and pretend that people like them. Great idea for a movie! At least with spine tap they actually tried to be funny. (but failed because british people are never funny!!!) 

The characters are so over the top they aren't even believable. No way anyone could be this whiney and self important! It was such a snooze fest I found myself often times just refreshing twitter to see if there was anything more interesting going on!

Eventually the two bands get in a fight. There's one "wacky" "genious" that is turned into the villain while the others are turned into the one you're supposed to sympathize with (probable because a girl is in that band and they're trying to push a lesson on us like never be mean to girls) Holylwood cant tell a story without trying to push some biblical lesson or product on us!!!



apparently showers werent in the films budget!!


Because this movie is unoriginal and fails at comedic intent, pushes a lame lesson that would feel more at place in a 60s after school special (maybe because the bands would feel more at home in the 60s they were trying to tie it all together??? i doubt they were that inteligent) and for having no likable characeters i must give this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Speed Racer (2008)

As I was going through my requests today to see which movie I would review I noticed someone had suggested the 2008 film "Speed Racer".

I have boycotted this "film" since it was first announced. Wachowski brothers, best known for their groundbreaking films like "Fargo", "No Country for Old Men", and "Oh brother, Where are thou?", decided to go in a little bit of a different direction with this action packed racing flick.

The reason I boycotted this absolute peice of garbage is because i refuse to watch movies that glamorize the use of drugs to enhance someone so they can win a race!!! Making this film about the abuse of performance enhancing drugs probably led to the 2009 catastrophie of Michael Phelps using marijuana to help him swim faster.

The olympics happened around the same time this movie came out on DVD. I doubt there was anything coincidental about all that.

There are also a few other problems I found with this movie. What the heck were the Wachowski brothers thinking?? After making arty films for college students to talk about, they made this one which was definately a departure from their style. I honestly don't knwo what they were thinking and it must have lost them a lot of money because they returned to form soon after.

Another obvious thing about this is it seems like they were trying to capitalize on the anime craze that was going on at the time by styling this movie like some sort of sci fi anime from Japan. What the heck? I'm surprised they didn't use their film technologie to make their eyes bigger and add those sweat drops on everyone!!! 

Oh a japanese movie, wait no it was made in ameracia!!!!

It may seem unfair to review a movie I haven't seen, but I don't want my money to go in some child raping drug trafficker's pockets by renting this and it's hard to argue the points i've come across. I doubt I even have to write this, but this film deserves my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)

aS mentioned in my last post, I'm on a mission to find at least ONE movie that I like. I'm taking suggestions from my beloved readers, who are aiding in my quest. Today's suggestion comes from some sick sadomasochist named Rick who suggested "Hard Ticket To Haiwaii". I asked people to recommend their favorite movies, but this prankster either has some sort of majer brain problems or sent me a dud on purpose to waste my time!



this jerk wasted my time!!!!


I've never even heard of this one before, and now I know why!!! Within the first minute we are introduced to a topless woman, in fact this film is filled with bikini clad and topless women. If I hadn't spent countless hours exposing myself to pornography i wouldnt be desensitized to all that and might have gotten at least some joy from the women.

Apparently all of Hawaii there are only like 5 residents and a few tourists. All of the island is policed by two dimwitted lesbians. I feel like I need to mention at this point that this is not a spoof movie like "scarry movie" and it's not a porno. It was actually in theaters.


Pictured above, the lesbian police officers.

Eventually the plot starts to slowly trickle in and some guys on a boat send a toy helicopter to the middle of some forest where the lesbians are hiking through. They find some bags on it and take it. Before they can leave some dudes jump them, they throw a stick and a chinese star a them and get away. When confronting their boss later he mentions that it looks like they had almost been killed. What the heck??? Did they have a 20 minute deadline when writing this thing??

There's also weird skits thrown in, like one where some lady meets up with a fast talking new york television director who attempted to rape her the previous night for lunch. When she mentions the attempted rape he says "that was last night this is today.There's also a scene where some guys dance around on a boat making fun of chinese people.  what the heck??? The movie box said that this was action adventure movie but it seems like its trying harder to be a comedy. But the real problem is the comedy isn't funny and the only action adventure part is a 5 minute frisbee throwing contest!!!



this guy has some pretty fancy moves, but it's not worth watching the whole movie for!!


The plot is the girls found diamonds on that helicopter and some BAD GUYS want them!! It also has stuff like snakes that have been tainted by cancer infested rats and really cheap spy equipment a sprinkled in to keep things "interesting".

This movie is filled with bad acting, bad jokes, unknown actors, and to top it off it was directed by the black sheep of the sadaris family. I hope that rick guy falls off a cliff!!! If it wasn't already obvious, I will be giving this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.


Hopefully the next suggestion will be better!

Are there any good movies???

If you've been keeping up with my blog (and if not, what the heck is wrong with you???) then you should know I haven't found too many movies that i've been fond of. Hollywood only seems to release sequels, prequels, weird arty movies that don't make any sense, and either direct remakes or movies that just rip the plot off of something.

This is where you come in dear reader: I need you to suggest me your favorite movie to review so that maybe i can find a movie i like...

it could be a long shot but i think it'll be worth it. not just for me (dings, my name is dings, hi!) but for USA and the rest of the world!!!

So either send me an email at dingyathome@gmail.com or leave a comment here on the blog

IM COUNTING ON YOU!!!

Toy Story 3 (2010)

In order to score some easy cash, I volunteered to babysit my nephew. Since he's a kid i grabbed a copy of the Toy Story 3 DVD that came out today from a torrent site and headed over. I saw the first Toy Story fifteen years ago, it seemed like an OK movie but I was just a dumb kid so who knows. This movie definately wasn't "OK" It was quite the opposite! According to www.rhymezone.com words and phrases that can mean exactly the opposite as okay are disapprove and reject and i certainly disapprove of this reject!!

This movie has several flaws. The most obvious one is the fact that this movie is the most blatant excuse to sell toys to kids i've ever seen! A movie about a rag tag team of toys where they are contstantly showing off their features! I'm tempted to write a letter to my senator. 

this is my senator. remember to vote republican today!! pictured with him is his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson.

Another obvious one is this one is another awful unnecessary sequel. Disney loves making sequels and as soon as they bought Pixar the sequels have begun to churn out. Coming next year Cars 2! I can't wait!!!!!!

Lets move on to the story. It's about a group of inanimate objects that are loyal to their owner and cross a long distance to find him, find many hardships, encounter evil toys and end up in the dump, only to be saved. Sound familiar? If you're thinking it does it's because its the exact same plot as The Brave Little Toaster!!!

All new movies are either remakes of things from the 80's or blatent rip offs of things from the 80s. Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice??

In the brave little toaster the appliances leave their house, have harsh travels, and eventually wind up in a place they think is good until they realize their new friends are actually evil and send them off to the dump. Later their master finds them and the appliances live happily ever after.

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only good that (almost) came out of this won was i convinced my nephew that growing up means getting rid of toys and moving on to grown up stuff. He's only 6 but I figured it's good to start early! Also his dad had given him all his vintage star wars toys from the 70's and since he wasn't needing them anymore i volunteered to take them off his hands. (time for ebay account!!! $$$$$$$$) I found a few of his dad's old college text books and traded them to him and bagged up the toys. When his dad finally decided to come home I grabbed my bag and headed out. Unfortunately he got all nosey when he saw his son ripping the pages out of his old textbooks and started asking questions. Now I'm not allowed to babysit anymore!!! GREAT!!!!

also could the pixar animated logo at the beginning of the movie be any longer??? it's almost its own feature length movie!

Because this is another souless cash grabbing story stealing sequel, and one that is invented to sell toys it's a no brainer to award this one with my lowest possinle score, ** two stars.