Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

Everywhere I turn i see a twilight poster or a tshirt or a billboard or something! Whats the big deal with this??? I did a little research and it's a love story between a vampire a werewolf and some teen girl? Is this a joke?

I've recently seen Dracula so I feel I'm well aquainted with vampires and I've got to say I'm not too impressed. I've run into my share of teen girls, and while they look OK most the time once they open their mouth you'd better hope you've got a pair of earplugs! I don't really know too much about werewolves or love so I decided to pop this one in and get it over with.

Apparently this is part two in a three part series. I missed the first one, though i'm using missed very loosely here!

The plot goes like this: There's this weird lady who is intent on killing Bella (the teenage girl) for seemingly no reason. My guess is she finally realized how annoying teenage girls are and decided to start with some random average girl? I'm not sure but seems logical enough. Both the vampire (not dracula) and the werewolf (maybe The Werewolf) are wanting to protect her. Here's where it gets really weird. Both these guys are like really old. So they're pedophiles? This is what hollywood is making? Pedophile love stories? I don't get it.

Eventually there's this big show down between the vampires/werewolves and these baby vampires that are made out of glass and the "good guys"(pedophiles) win and shatter them all up real good. This part is made even weirder by the fact that the directer (david spade? what the heck? I guess after Chris Farley died he lost his star power and had to resort to filming this kind of stuff? wow.) really loves the opening scene to the X-Men show from the 90's. The way they fight is they both line up and then run at each other and the "bad guys" (non-pedophiles) always lose because they're made out of glass. Finally the movies over after a few false endings and the credits roll Never have I been so happy to see a movie end.




If you've sat through this pile of garbage you know what i'm talking about!!

I can't believe this movie made so much money. And it's mostly teen girls who go see it! Are they all into pedophiles or something or are they just so desperate to see a vampire kiss someone they are willing to part with their hard earned baby sitting money. don't ask me!

This movie deserves my lowest score available, ** two stars for romantisizing pedophilia, ripping off the opening scene to a 20 year old cartoon and for just plain boring the heck out of me!!!

Be back soon

Sorry for the lack of movie reviews lately! Got too busy! I'll be watching some movies VERY SOOn!!!

In the meantime keep up with me on my new daily dairy that Square Magazine is having me do

Skyline (2010) (PART TWO)

jUST (oops, freakin caps lock button!) let me start over

Just in case you missed part one, you better click here right now and read it!!!

After so much wait and anticipation for me to finally see past the 20 minutes I hat already seen I should have just let it go! Definately not worth my time!!! There's a lot to say about this so it's a little longer than my usual reviews, so if you need to go to the bathroom or grab a drink go do it real quick!!

The big bad guy in this movie is a blue ray (blue ray... viral marketing by Sony? no thanks i fell for the big DVD scam already, who the heck wants physical media??) anyway... the bad guy is this blue ray that these insect ships that the director Brother Strause. (What kind of name is brother?? A college nick name?? Real professional dude...) stole from The Matrics. When you look at the Blue Ray you go all crazy and turn into like a half dog or something. These peoeple really need to look into those blue blocker sunglasses.




Blue blockers as sported by this weirdp sex criminal in his grandma's RV

These aliens also eat peoples brains so they're like zombies too?? I Dunno. Also there is a part where one of the characters is having an affair with his maid. Uhm good job stealing a storyline from "Seinfeld".

The director also seemed to do everything he could do stretch this movie out as far as he could. The movie starts showing the blue rays first appear then goes back in time 15 hours and shows us this random party with some rich people and then shows the opening scene again. What the heck??? They also put several short scenes in slow motion for no reason other than to stretch this 30 minute idea into feature length.

Then after a bunch of nothing happens the director must have accidently found out about the fast faward feature on his video editing computer because before you know it we're treated to the sun rising in fast motion, then the events of the characters afternoon in fast motion. Must be real exciting to discover something that was prominently featured in the 1964 sitcom "THe Munsters".

You could really tell the director was making it up as they were going on. Just a bit after the halfway point the military comes and blows up the aliens and it was almost all over until the director, who seems to have a poor grasp on the films running time, realizes his turd is only 50 minutes long and suddenly decides the alien ship can rebuilt itself and suddenly we're back where we started.

Anyway the film carries on despite the audiences protest for another 30 minutes while the characters keep dwindling and becoming safe not safe back and forth. Suddenly the credits are rolling, but wait! They set it up for a sequel! These people must really have no idea what people want to watch.

Also the guy was slowly transforming into an alien during the movie until he truly was a big scary monster almost exactly like the movie "The Fly". It even had almost the same ending as the fly (the 80s version not the black and white one!!!)

No exageration... this could be from both "The Fly" and "Skyline" movie endings.

In conclusion this film seems to rip off not only THe Matrix, amd "The Fly", but "Seinfeld" and to a lesser degree "The Munsters". It is also a shameless vehicle to promote Sony's media format Blue Ray. Then to patch everything together they took story elements from "Independance Day" and Mars Attacks!". This is probably the least original thing I have every watched. This turd deserves my lowest possible score.** Two stars

Skyline (2010) (PART ONE)

Since my Grandma dragged me out to see Burlesque recently I finally convinced her to make it up to me after i was constantly complaining that she owed me a real movie. I picked the movie this time (as she first suggested we see tangled... NO THANKS)

Skyline was an obvious choice because of the glowing reviews and all the hype surrounding it. I could hardly wait! This was saturday night and I was excited! We get there and Grandma buys the tickets, and actually offers to buy snacks and drinks! I was blown away! She's either slipping deeper into dementia or she's just excited to be outside the houes.




We get our seats and the movie begins. We don't get very far into it (maybe like 20 minutes...) and grandma yanks me out of the theater! She is disgusted that i would want to see such "filth".  she flips out All because there was some swearing, alcohol drinking and a scene where a bunch of people watch a guy going down on another guy through a telescope that lasts about 20 seconds. I forgot her last glimpse into the modern world was probably silent films and she's unaware of what people are doing these days. The whole ride home she's yelling at me! I sure was glad to get back home and slam the door.

Then guess what! She wakes me up early Sunday morning to go to church!!!! I had to iron my shirt!!!!! I really haven't been this pissed in my life to be honest...

Church wasn't too bad, my first time. The preacher was up there swearing like a mad man, saying words like "hell" "damn" and i think he might have said "ass"!!! I was laughing my head off. Then there were donuts! I ate as many as i could and put the rest in our car for later.

You're probably wondering what all this has to do with a movie review. Well if you haven't noticed it's only part one... when we got back grandma said I couldn't use the computer until Tuesday (today). What the heck... I've been able to sneak and get on a little but not enough to write a full review>.

Anyway I've got a torrent downloading right now so i'll actually be able to watch this thing and I'll post my full review later... just wanted everyone to know I haven't forgotten about reviewing.

Superman Returns (2006)

I found this movie in the dollar bin at the local DVD store and decided to give it a try. I thought it'd be a decent action flick and you can't lose for just a dollar... boy was i wrong!!

Things that cost $1 that I would rather have:

• candy bar
• a candle
• pack of paper
• a greeting card
• manila envelopes

The list could go on but I think i'd better get to the review! The film starts out introducing us to lex luther supermans arch-enimy. We know other bad guys like the Joker who is a pyscho maniac who kills people, magneto who wants to cleanse the world of non mutants, and the Green Goblin who has super strength and blows stuff up all the time. Then we have Lex Luther who is seen gaining his wealth by giving an old lady "pleasure". You know what I mean! This is SUpermans scaries villian??

lex luther is a bad guy because he's bald and likes old ladies like this one

Speaking of superman it takes like 35 minutes before he's even in the movie. Did they forget what the movie was about and all of a sudden teh director was like "uh oh! we forgot superman!"? Probably!

From here it gets better, but better brings it up to only just below the mediocre line. Lex builds this island out of kryptonite because he doesn't want to live near superman and superman decides to go there anyway and loses all his powers. LEx and and his friends start just kicking him and stuff and despite the fact that none of them are really above average in stregth superman like flies dozens of feet in the air with every punch. Does kyrptonite also make him weigh like 2 pounds?? I dunno...

Then all ogf a sudden we learn lois lanes kid is actually superman and not her husbands. What the heck???? Who wrote this thing? How the heck does an alien have a baby with a human?? Did anyone who wrote this film even once take a biology class in high school or are they all drop outs???? Also why is this movie almost 3 hours long??

Also if hes an alien shouldnt he look like this or something?

So from here superman saves the day but he almost dies first but guess what he doesnt really die!!

This movie deserves a low score for making a movie about lex luthors weird old lady fetish alone, but it also featured superman's son, unrealistic portrayal of aliens, his weird new plastic costume (maybe to look more like an action figure so kids will want the toys more?) and a full half hour of the movie that didnt even mention superman. This movie is so bad it probably will ruin the chance of them ever making a "Batman" movie. I give it my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.