Dracula (1931)

The older you get the more you learn. I have recenly learned to never share your interests with anyone over the age of 50. If you read yesterdays post about Frankenstein you should know what I'm talking about. I tell her it was a great film and she believed me. Youll never guess what I came home to today. Not only did she pick up another black and white ancient film called Dracula she also gave me a book of poetry by some guy named Edger Poe. What the heck???? I seriously need to send a letter to the social security offices to let them know she's wasting our hard earned tax dollars!!!

The book went straight into the garbage but I decided to go ahead with the movie since I didnt have any better options. (my friend lazor is out of town for the rest of the week. Some friend!!!)

So this is like a bad version of the more recent bram stroker presents Dracula from the 90's. It seriously contains stuff like bats on strings, Dracula staring at the screen for minutes on end, and no background music AT All. I seriously fell asleep like 3 times and had to keep skipping back to parts I'd missed. Was this movie unfinished and rushed to theAters or did they just not care??? Also this one is also in black and white. that's one shade away from staring at a blank tv screen!!!

Just in case youre curious or think watching classic films will make you seem intellectual (it wont, you pretentious jerk!!!) i've summed up the movie in the following images:












There! Saved you time AND money. You're welcome!

To wrap things up, this really didn't have any redeeming qualities. Supposedly people love this movie but it shares all the same qualities as the bargain bin movies at your local Wal-Mart. It goes without saying that this "film" will revieve my lowest possible rating, ** two stars.

Frankenstein (1931)

oNCe word of me reviewing scary movies reached my grandma suddenly she's giving me all sorts suggestions. turns out theres no easy way to tell your grammie that her taste in movies stinks!!! luckily she cant actually read this because she cant work a computer and relies on me to print these out for her. (obviously i'll be skipping this one when i bring her my weekly prints)

so i come home today from the grocery store (i go there a few times a day to check all the coin slots on their coke, crane, pony ride ect machines) and find Frankenstein with a big bow on it sitting on my bed. Great! Since I didnt have any money to go to the theaters ( really want to see paranormal activity 2!) i decided why not and popped it in.i'm surprised my grandma actually got a dvd instead of vhs or like an old movie reel or something. (you never know!!!!)

so as you may or may not know this ones a real bore fest. i had to drink like a whole 2 liter of coke just to stay awake!  and like that movie Clerks it's in black and white. great. what the HECK happened with Ted Turners colorvision thing he was always talking about? did he miss one or what???




im as mad as you are ted, where the heck is my color??? i feel like im watching a movie on a gameboy or something

this one is about this unnamed scientist who creates a monster named Frankenstein. Not sure why the name was chosen but my guess is the film producers probably thought the name sounded scary or something.

so the scientist makes this monster, then him and his buddies just gang up on it and beat the crap out of it until it flips out and escapes. im guessing the writer of the film had a bad experience in high school and wrote this movie so people would feel sorry for him. Maybe this kind of stuff got you a hot GF in his day.

eventually the monster runs around and the townsfolk decide that it must die because its different. it grunts and yells and then theres this big climatic scene where they burn down a windmill and they assume the monster has died.

excuse me? where the heck is the horror??? did they think people would be scared because he's all weird looking? i don't get it! how did this movie become so popular? i guess because old people are senile or something.



despite the fact that its probably filled with romance, i would have rather seen the sequel, Bride of Frankenstein. the bride is hot as heck. def. wouldn't have any trouble staying a wake in that one! wonder if that actress is single???


because its utter lack of horror, thrills or chills, the absense of color, the weird name, the feel of a high school coming of age, the senseless killing of frankenstein and the lack of any real reason to sit through this peice of utter garbage i must give this "film" my absolute lowest rating, ** two stars.

Movie Review: The Wolfman (2010)

So, since im doing this movie every day until halloween thing i quickly ran through my movie budget for the rest of the month (after seeing my soul to take twice and Devil). Since my budget was depleted i turned to my friend lazer (not his birth name) to borrow a new-ish horror movie from him. Lazer has like the best DVD collection. Who needs blockbuster when you've got lazer!

So he gives me two things. The Wolfman DVD and a suggestion to check out the song "videogames" by the backout band. I like video games so i watched it. what the heck? a bunch of kids singing about video games. Thanks for wasting my time lazer!!!

so, the wolfman is like all modern movies, a remake!!! universal decided to try and make a few extra bucks and had some hack director and a cast of hack actors that ive never heard of try to make this new movie as close as they can to the original but with like 100$ million worth of special effects. pretty typical stuff if you go to the movies a lot.

so since ive seen a lot of warewolf movies and this one didnt have anything knew i had trouble paying attention. i just kept thinking of that videogame song!!! what the heck was the story behind it???

since i had to see this, you do too

so i grabbed my laptop and did a little research. i came across blackoutband.com which isnt a website for the band, its a website for their song, videogames. what the heck??? as it turns out the genius behind it all is this dude hunter, who, as punishment was told to write a song about video games because of all the time he spent playing video games. then according to the website, everyone started flipping out because it was SO GOOD. they couldnt stop humming it!! The band worked out most the stuff but couldnt come up with any more words (because teenages have no idea how to read or write!!!!!) so hunters mommy wrote the rest for him, and gave him his jammies out of the dryer, along with some cookies and milk then kissed him goodnight. 

so the fab three played at their local talent show in school and, again according to their website, everyone started flipping out EVEN THE TEACHERS. they decided then it was time to make a video and record 3 more songs (instead of bothering to make an album!!!)

someone had rich parents who were trying to live their dreams through their children!!! we should lock up all involved parties and throw away the key!!!!!

so i didnt bother listening to the rest of the songs but i did notice that the group is for hire for TEEN PARTIES if you're planning on throwing one maybe hire them???

so as for the movie, it was nothing but pure garbage, another remake or maybe theyre calling it a sequel i dont know. a guy turns into a warewolf, gets killed by a mob, and repents. there is a howl suggesting there is a new wolfman, of course leaving this open for a sequel. lets all hope they dont make one. because once again hollywood decided to reuse an idea that has been made a billion times i must give this movie my lowest possible score, ** two stars

Devil (2010)

Suge Knight Shyamalan may have dropped the ball with The Last Airbender, but i wasn't about to give up on him. After delivering psychological thriller "The Happening" and the spine tingling action/horror movie "Lady in The Water" i figured it'd be fine to go catch his latest offering "fDevil"

this is the first movie in the planned "The night chronicles triology" films where supernatural things happen in modern enviremonts (just like twilight zone/??) this one is called Devil.

guess what its about???

the DEVIL

instead of making it implied every five minutes someone says something like "uh oh! looks like the devil is here!" just in case anyone is in doubt what the movie is supposed to be about, and in case they didnt catch the movies title.

three things happen in this movie. 

1. a cop stands around making wild guesses (how the heck does he think of his stuff? did he even pass cop school? doubtful)
2. the people stand in an elevator as the lights flick

3. firefighters cut a whole in a the wall. this cutting takes the hole movie to happen and no progress happens unless the camera is on them. what are they doing??? taking breaks???

also how the heck did this movie cost 10$ million dollars? 80% of the movie is people standing in the elevator. theres no special effects and no big name actors. did Suge Knight Shyamalan need 9.5$ to jot the story down on a napkin??? that's the only thing i could figure out (but i'm open to suggestions!!!)

in the movie the devil is just some overweight lady. a metaphor about our capitalist society. while thats a good lesson and all i think that this devil would have been much scarier!!!

there's not really much more to say about this movie except don't go see it. just rent the happening if you're interested in some classic  Shyamalan. this movie obviously draws heavely from 2002's thriller "Phone Booth" and just sticks the devil and some poorly trained cops and firefighters in for some much needed comedic relief.  despite my initial excitement i cant recomend this one, and i must give it my lowest rating, ** two stars

Movie Review: My Soul To Take (2010)

My soul to take is wes cravens latest offering. he is best known for making the movie "screem" 3 times.

the movie starts with 30 or so dream sequences put into one minute, then a guy kills his pregnant wife, then he gets killed a few dozen times by the cops. suddenly in the ambulance they say he probably has 7 souls for each person he killed in him thats why he wont die. then the ambulance explodes. 

then some kids try to resurrect him and the cops chase them away. then as this one kid is going back home he gets killed by this ripper guy (he's back!) then it flashes to another kid crawling though the window. suddenly he's listening to a radio station all about condors while a montage plays of him making a bird out of junk in his room. what the heck??? what am i watching??? This all happened in the first 20 minutes. Make sure you count the amount of times the word "condor" is used!! it's like they were going for a guinness world record or something!!!


its also worth mentioning that the main character is named bug. is Wes trying to scare us or gross us out by making us subconsiosly think of spiders and stuff??? just stick to slashers and leave the deep psychological stuff to someone else, you're not very good at it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i brought my camera with me to the theater so i could snap a few shots to use for screenshots in case i could find any on the web. of course some whiny lady goes and complains and i get thrown out!! no justice in the world. so after i got thrown out i had to go to another theater and pay to go see it again. you owe me 10$ Wes Craven!!!!!!

the only screen shot i was able to get before someone snitched on me. next time maybe just watch the movie instead of hassling me!!!!!

for the first 40 minutes i kept thinking two things:
did wes craven take a bunch of random footage, put put it on random then mail it as fast as he could to the theaters??? number two: am i on drugs. i thought about scheduling a drug test to make sure somoene hadnt slipped me anything (possibly a hot girl trying to have her way with me!!!) either wes decided after those 40 minutes to give the audience some sort of easier (barely!) to follow story or someone else took over i dont know.

i dont really know what to say about this movie!!! i was surprised that it wasn't a remake and i also was pleased that i couldn't instantly tell what movie it ripped off but i couldn't follow the plot at all! and i saw it one and a half times!!! (thanks to that b#*&@ who got me kicked out of the theater) because of that i must give this my lowest possible rating, ** two stars. 

ps once again this movie has no topless women so if thats why you go see horror movies skip this one too.

Movie Review: Nightmare Before Elm Street (2010)

Since Halloween is coming up soon I will be doing a review of a horror movie EVERY DAY until Halloween is over.

Todays' reveiw is Nightmare Before Elm Street, another big movie produced by michael bay. One thing i've got to say is what an original story! I've never even thought of an idea like this before. being a fan of the horror genre im surprised it took until 2010 for a movie to focus on someone haunting you in your dreams. i couldnt sleep for the first week after seeing it!!!! and i dont think i was the only one!!

this isn't what freddie looks like in the movie, but what if??? i think more guys would have coughed up the 12$ to see it

now i did enjoy the originality of the story but there were some glaring flaws i couldnt overlook. first of all one of the actresses (Katie cassidy) was supposed to be like 15-17 in this movie, but honestly i had a hard time believing she was any younger than 30. Did she get held back a lot??? some backstory involving sitting out in the sun a bunch??? i dont knwo im baffled!!!!!! the other actors didnt seem much younger but they were at least pretty close


Katie Cassidy celebrating the film wrap for NBES (photo courtosy of New Line Cinema)

The other weird thing was the want to be "romeo and juilet" story. as if that story hasnt been done to death! The characters Nancy and freddie had a relationship but because of the age difference and because he was a janitor and she was from the upper middle class the parents forbid it. but it has a twist, the parents decide to burn freddie alive. what the heck??? little extreme huh? then freddie comes BACK FROM THE DEAD to be with his beloved and shes like uh ew no thanks burn face, ive got a new man now! Can you imagine? then she just straight up kills the poor guy. no idea what the writers were trying to accomplish by making the star character so unlikable.

so despite its originality it was weighed down by the above flaws. a quick note to the guy readers, there are no topless scenes with any of the ladies in this one dispite it being a horror movie, so if thats the kind of thing you rent a movie for, save your hard earned money. i really would like to give this a better score but as a film cridic i have intregity. i cant just give a high score for a "nice try". Because it fell so short i must give this movie my lowest score ever given, ** two stars.

Summer 2009 Blockbusters Roundup!

Everyone knows summer is a big time for movies. Movie studios typically release theyre biggest pictures during the summer (and sometimes thanksgiving!) I thought i'd do a big write up on the summer blockbusters (and show off my new amazon partnership. Amazon: Best deals on the web!)

Summer bloackbusters have a big history, with movies like Jaws, Star Wars IV A new Hope, ET The Extraterrestrial, Terminator, you get the idea!!! It was a time when the best new stories were released. Well not anymore! Here's the slop that we got last year.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - The sequel to a movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - A movie based on a cartoon show designed to sell toys to children in the 80's. Wow thanks! 


Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - A Movie based off a line of books for children about wizards and magic. After seeing the first few duds in the theater (big mistake) I avoided this turd.


Star Trek - A movie based off a 60's sci-fi tv show that only shut in and nerds watch. I watched this one and wow! talk about a rip off. I'd never seen any star Trek stuff before but as a big star wars fan I decided to finally give it a shot. What a rip!!! Obviously the writers were big fans of George Lucas' franchise and wanted a peice of that pie. I suggest someone should watch a Phantom Menace, heck even Dennis the Menace, over this one. 





These are the people i saw in line to see star trek


Ice Age: The Dawn of the Dinosaurs - A sequel to a childrens movie about The Ice age. Not only is this slop scientifically inaccurate, it's not entertaining. I walked out of the first one. I tried to get some people to go with me, siting many obvious flaws in the script, but no one followed. this is what apmerica has come to. sad.


X-Men Origins: Wolverine - This one is the third sequel to a film franchise based on a 50 year old comic book series. This one is a technically a prequel and shows wolvering's origins and he rides a motorcycle and kills some people. 30% or the dialog is wolverine growling and yelling. they must have been trying to save money on ink when it came time to print the scripts and instead changed some stuff to reduce the amount of pages needed down to just a couple. 




Hugh Jackman -Wolverine Origins


Then to finish things off, there were two movies based on old tv shows no one remembers. I guess they tried using these ideas and hoped that we'd think they were original ideas or something??? turns out the media did some researching and it leaked to the public and now everyone knows. These movies are of course THE A-TEAM and LAND OF THE LOST. Both showed up DOA at the theaters and now reside in a dusty warehouse that amazon.com owns. Amazon suggested I do a write up on these movies and link back to them, to trick people into buying them. I hope they don't mind that I couldn't find anything good to say about these movies.





What about this shouts to be remade in a modern movie???  Dont ask me!!!


Unless your brain damaged you know that this years summer didn't provide any better offerings. Check back soon for my recap of this years flops.