Clerks (1994)

Someone left this "movie" sitting out in the street (vhs, luckily i still have a vhs player) so i decided to pick it up and pop it in and see what its all about. Was only like an hour and a half, didnt have anything to lose right???

wrong! right away i noticed it wasnt in color. i figured it was some b-movie from the 50s or some "classic film". no! it was made in 1994?? what the heck... something seemed fishy here (weren't any fish in the movie, just thought it was odd that it was in black and white.) I guess they thought it'd be "cute" to do it in black and white like movies used to be. dunno why, seemed stupid as heck. they probably could have colorized it with one quarter thrown in the nearest pay phone with a call placed to ted turner. i heard he liked doing stuff like that (old people get weird hobbies when they retire, i dunno...)

someone please attatch them to an email and forrward it to the writers of this movie!

this "mnovie"only focused on two dudes cussing the whole time. did the director really think people wanted to watch a couple of guys cuss for an hour and a half? if they were just trying to make a quick buck from brainless movie goers they probably could have made even more had they just set out a curse jar and avoided the whole film production process!!!!

i didnt really pay a whole lot of attention to the film because i was too busy trying to adjust the settings on my tv to make it color. the best i got was turning it all black so i didnt have to see it. eventually i hit mute and it got a whole lot better!!!!

since this filkm was a low budget swear fest i cant imagine awarding it anything higher than my lowest possible score, ** two stars. thanks for reading! 

the dark night rises (2012)

wow i can't believe I've been neglecting my cool movie review blog. no wonder box office numbers are down so much! no one know what to see!

I couldn't pass up reviewing this years second most anticipated film "The Dark Night Rises" starring bat man.

If you haven't seen the trwo movies before this, the trilogy began with "Bat Man Begins" that showed how mat man began and then it was followed by "The Dark Night" that showed that bat man comes out when its dark (at night). It had the Joker in it.

Warnig, contains spoilers!!!

This new one did not have the joker in it. It had Cat Girl and Bane as the bad guys. This picked up after Batman 2: the Dark Night and bat man broke his leg or something (wasn't explained, guess 3+ hours wasn't enough time to run though some basic facts) and he wasn't fighting crime anymore.

One thing that was annoying was how they had to cut corners to save on budget. they kept showing "flash backs" to the other two movies (not unlike silent night deadly night part 2) (hey that one has night in the title too... coincidence???). In all it probably totaled like 30-45 minutes of flashbacks. Really took me out of the moment. Were they really that desperate to save money?? I guess so.

They also introduced all sorts of new stuff to make toys out of. Bat Bycicle was back but now there was also a bat air plane and an army of bat mobiles the bad guys used. The film producers probably (correctly) though kids would say "Oh there's like 5 in the movie the bad guys have? Guess i gotta buy five of the same toy so i can recreate this scene!" Its always great to spend $11 on a toy commercial!

Then at the end of the movie they blew up the bat plane (probably again hoping kids at home would blow up their toy bat plan so they'd have to keep buying more). The producers just love selling those toys! Too bad they didn't care about competent scripting!

Nothing really happened in the movie either. Bat man took some time off and lived in a whole for a while and bane took over NYC. Then bat man got out of the hole and saved the day. Wow, didn't see that coming, thought for sure bane would win. Real original!!!

They also keep saying "finale of the trilogy" but they set it up for a sequel at the end!! Surprise!! Guess eight bat man movies aren't enough, they gotta keep making them! They introduce a character named "Robbie" at the end who finds the bat cave and apparently if you just happen to wander in the bat cave bat mans suit just rises up (is this where the film title came from) and invites you to put it on. No secret code or anything! 

Lets say some deer just wanders into the cave (been known to happen) it could suddenly see the suit and put it on. Then it'd be bat man deer or something (this idea copyright dings 2012).

So this film was 1. way too long, 2. filled with things only introduced to sell toys 3. filled with clips from the previous movies 4. had a tacked on ending so they could make a 4th one making this one of the biggest duds i have seen since whatever the last movie i reviewed. Very disappointed that i take a break from movies and come back to see they have not improved at all!

For obvious reasons i have to award this film my lowest possible rating, 2 stars (**). 

The Woman in Black (2012)

Finally, a new review by me, dings! Thjis time it's for "The Woman in Black"

Let me first off say i doubt it was a coincidence that they released a movie with the word black in the title during Febuary to cash in on "Black History month". Are they that desperate to get people in the door that they'll tack on the word black so people who are interested in the historical importance of the color this month might check it out? Don't they think people might read up about it first?

This is black. 

Before the movie started i found myself putting my phone on silent, despite the fact that in the five years i've had a cell phone no one has ever called or texted me. Where did I pick up that habit?? oh well.

The movie starts and what the heck? Harry Potter is in it! He must have cast a level 5 boring spell on me because i had a hard time staying awake for the first hour. His journey from london to (whatever small town they made up) was almost filmed in real time.

I know this is supposed to be a horror story but there was something disturbing that happened early in the film. Harry's wife is dead and he has a kid. right before he gets on the train he looks at the kid and says "You look just like your mom" with a lusty tone. really??? again yeah its a horror but do we need the main character to be an incest loving pedophile? I guess so!

Not a whole lot else happens. He runs around in a spook house and cries and kills a few kids. Then he goes swimming in a mud river.

spoiler alert!


then suddenly they decide its time for an ending but i guess they didn't feel like writing an ending because they just tacked on the ending to "drag me to hell" where they get sucked in front of a train and go to hell. wow! great idea guys! did you just hope everyone would have fallen asleep before the end would happen so no one would notice??? well i did!!!!!!!! losers!

you could probably tell by the tone of my review but i didnt much care for this "film"! I give it my lowest possible score, ** two stars! avoid at all costs!