Movie Review: Easy A (2010)

I really dont know what to say about this movie. i hadnt heard much about it and hadnt even seen as much as a trailer for it before i saw it. i knew that it was a comedy and it was loosly based on the book the scarlet letter". it "stars" emma stone and penn badgley. one of many cost cutting measures in this movie is to use actors no one has heard of outside of high school plays!!!

Speaking of cost cutting measures, i didnt have enough spare change to go see a 5$ matine this morning but really needed to do a new review so i asked my buddy rich if he would mind getting a torrent of "easy a" for me to review. he seemed amused that i wanted to see that movie and told me to have fun "reviewing" it. sometimes i could do without the sarcasm!!!

so i go home and pop this sucker in and wow. i didnt really know what to expect since i didnt know much about the movie but i really didnt expect this!!! The movie starts with emma stones character playing an unnamed student and penn badgley playing the teacher professor or whatever. he informs her that she's failing class and she says she "do anything!" she needs to do to pass.

this is where i really can't go on. i want this to be a blog families can read together and this movie really gets risque! leave some stuff to our imaginations people! i'd be lying if i said i didn't blush.

this is not the type of movie to bring grandma to!


emma stones and penn badgley in "Easy A". Photo copyright Screen Gems.

well when the film ends Penn informs her that he has changed his mind and she wont be failing after all. she replies with "that was the easiest a ive ever gotten" and giggles and the movie fades out. what the heck??? there was like 5 lines of dialoge and the movie was like 21 minutes long. what a rip!!! They must have really left of a lot of story from the novel on the cutting room floor or maybe they didn't even bother reading it???? or making the script?? some times it seemed like ad libbing. I don't know.

I didn't really have very high expectations since this was an adaptation of a classic novel but they really dropped the ball on this one. hollywood tries pushing sex over substince once again and this review isnt buying it. because of all the changes from the original story and the lowest budget film i've seen screen gem put out (doesn't disney own them??? did they blow their money or someting??) ive just got to give this film my lowest rating ever, ** two stars.

Movie Review: Jackass 3D (2010)

I showed this review to my buddy Laser (not his birth name) and he told me i should inform you that no, I haven't seen this movie. I'm basing my review off my memory of the trailer, commercials for the jackass show on tv, commercials for Backyard Wrestling VHS tapes (vol 1 and 2), and that time I was at my friends house and his redneck cousins came over and glued rats to their arms.

Once Tom Green died of cancer MTV had to hurry and find something to fill their " guy does something painful or dumb" time slot. To out due their previous show they got several guys, and gave them all staplers and tasers and it became a #1 hit in southern america.

Jeff Tremaine producer of "Jackass 3D" getting ready to "produce"

It became so popular that they made 3 movies and all three movies were really popular and i accidentally heard people talk about it on the bus a few times.

Like the first two movies it's just a compilation of footage of Johny Bravo, Bam Margerra, Steve-O and others poop and fart on each other while someone shoots them with bullets. at one point they throw a guy in a porta potty with a big sling shot or something and that one guy does some tricks on his parents. I bet they didn't even bother writing a script! Fans of the sinema, like myself, are obviously pretty P/Oed!!! (p*@!$ed off)

The worst part is they obviously stole the idea from the three stooges. or maybe they say they "adapted" it i dont know. nothing that comes from hollywood ever bothers to be original anymore so i guess i shouldnt be surprised!!!!

hmmm i wonder where they got their ideas from??????????????????????????

Oh I forgot to mention this was in 3D so the films stars probably take breaks sniffing farts and shoot ping pong balls out into the audience for half an hour.

I like the idea of these guys hurting themselves and would give this a high rating if they hadnt obviously stolen the idea from the three stooges, and for the part where they shoot ping pong balls at the camera really felt forced. Along with all my fellow film critics i give this my loweswt rating ever ** two stars.

Movie Review: Nowhere Boy (2010)

I didn't choose todays movie. I woke up early and ran to the local theater to get the early 5$ matinée. I'd overslept so I didn't have time to see what was playing so I asked the movie attendant to suggest one. I don't know why I trusted his opinion his opinion. He sat in his booth obviously high, I don't know if there was a dress code for the theater but he was wearing a tie dye shirt. He suggested I see "Nowhere Boy". I'd forgotten my glasses at home so I couldn't read what else was playing so I took his word.

Never let some burnt out hippie choose what movie you watch. This was some coming of age movie set in the 50's. The central character was a guy named john Lennon. Not really much to this character, just runs around and yells and punches people.

The movie starts with his uncle dying, and he spots some red haired girl at the funeral. The go on what looks like a date and you imagine this is his girlfriend but you find out soon it's his mom... what the heck???? at this point I popped out of the movie to grab a drink as i was feeling noxious.

So I come back and the movie is still playing, much to my dismay. It turns out he wants to play rock and roll so he grabs an acoustic guitar. what the heck? since when did acoustic guitars mean rock n roll? i google searched pantera and noticed they all had electric. did the writers do any fact checking? i'm guessing no.

which one looks like rock and roll? acoustic or electric? just one of the many problems with "Nowhere boy"

then at one point they're playing a "gig" with all acoustic instruments outside and there's this big crowd and even the people in the back are dancing. once again, no fact checking, without amplification there would have been no way for those in the back to hear them. terrible.

so his band the quarrymen gets some more members, john gets in trouble, and keeps moving in with his mom back to his aunt and repeat. finally there's this big showdown and his mom and aunt duke it out (finally some action) but its soon over and it just makes them friends.

at this point i just decided to cut my losses and leave the theater. i didn't find the lead character to be very interesting and as it was alluded in the beginning, and even the title, of the movie he seems to just keep going nowhere. wow a coming of age movie about a guy who never does anything. i'm guessing the script was mostly blank paper and they ad libbed based on whatever the directer felt like having them do.

because it's characters didn't feel real or even interesting, and because the movie tricks the audience into thinking the lead character was on a date only to reveal it was actually just him hanging out with his mom i must give this movie my lowest rating ever, ** two stars.

just a quick after thought: after being tricked into seeing that stinker i called the theater and made up some complaints about that hippy who suggested it to me and hopefully they fired him

never trust the opinion of anyone that looks even remotely like this

Movie Review: Salt (2010)

When I first heard about this movie I was pretty excited. A movie spin-off of Charlie and the Chocolate factory featuring Veruca Salt! I thought she was the most interesting side character of the movie and looked forward to learning more about her. I was pretty surprised to find out it was actually an action movie staring Angelina Jolie (Cyborg 2, Kung Fu Panda)

here's a guy checking out a newspaper ad for "Salt" (2010) . This photo was taken at the exact moment he realized the movie was an action movie, not a spin off from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The story starts with Salt at work for the CIA she's talking spy talk with her spy buddies and then suddenly this Russian guy busts in and wants to talk to her. They say sure we have 26 minutes we can talk. They're informed he speaks "very little" English before they go in. Salt goes into the interrogation room and he tells her this long and elegantly told story about Russia stealing babies (all in english, plothole number one) This story causes everyone to freak out and Salt takes off her panties and jumps out a window.

Has anyone noticed how big angelinas lips are? What the heck?? I really don't like the sound of balloons popping when you fill them up with too much air and kept anticipating that noise while staring at her lips the whole movie. i didnt have time to grab the measuring tape, but i think maybe they were getting bigger as the movie went on. At some points when her lips we zoomed in on i had to look away.

just in case you've never heard of angelina jolie these are her lips. above average in size.

Then it got to a point that bothered me. They're trying to portey her as a bad guy so she's doing all this bad stuff like killing cops, presidents, and shooting spiders up with heroin. Wait... shooting spiders up with heroin??? Like just in case we didn't hate her already we'd be pissed that she was torturing bugs? I dunno kind of brought me out of the movie. So it goes on some more, she kills more people then finally she's arrested for like the 5th and final time and they take her on a helicopter ride to no place in particular or maybe it was so top secret they didn't even want the audience to know? Who knows?????

Then the end of the movie comes: she jumps out of the helicopter, swims to the shore, starts running. At this point you start getting excited because you think there's going to be a wild chace with the helicopter shooting nukes at salt or something, but instead you get the credits. Did they run out of ideas??? Someone spilled juice on the last few pages of the script? trying to set it up for a sequel? well they're not getting my money again, unless it turns out that this was Veruca Salt and it's revealed in the sequel and she visits grown up Charlie in his Choc factory and they kiss and get married, but that probably won't happen! (I did say "probably": if you're reading this, hollywood, make it happen!)

So because of the misleading title and adversing making me think this was related to Veruca Salt and because the sequel will probably just be her doing sick stuff to bugs and frogs and stuff I am forced to give this movie my lowest rating ever ** two stars.

Nostalgic Memories: Blockbuster

It shouldn't be any surprise to movie fans that Blockbuster is going out of business. Any sane person downloads a dvd/blu-ray rip from their favorite torrent site, uses Netflix, or goes to a red box location (in that order) before they'd want to bother with the hassle of a movie rental store.

I mean you have to drive there, open a membership, rent it and then bring it back or else you'll have to pay late fees! What the heck? When you go to check out you have to wander through a labyrinth of aisles filled with cheap movie memorabilia like chiseled busts from Norbet. Then on top of that they want to charge like 8$! New Dvd's are 10.99 now. The worst part is if you try to run out with your sweatshirt and JNCOs filled with dvds they'll usually get pissed and make the cops arrest you. Why bother with all that??

Get used to seeing this (except for the other store locations being mentioned)

Usually i'll get a bottled pop with my movie and they always suggest I can get two drinks and a popcorn for only 1$ more. What? Do you think if I do that I'll feel obligated to invite you over and share? Leave me alone!!!

Movie Review: The Last Airbender (2010)

Suge Knight Shyamalan follows up his critically aclaimed movie "The Happening" with The Last Airbender.

Directer Suge Knight Shyamalan promotional photography. Copyright Blinding Edge Pictures 2010

Hollywood must be feeling awfully desperate if they're harvesting film ideas from Nickelodeon's cartoons for children and babies. I tried to just forget that fact and give the film an honest shot.

The movie starts out somewhere in the north pole and these two kids are punching the ice trying to find food. Instead of food a boy and a flying sloth jump out of the water. they go check the boy and and notice he's a gangbanger with tattoos everywhere.

It is revealed later that he is an airbender. being an airbender doesnt sound so special. you can get a cardboard tube, which is full of air, and bend that and wow you're an airbender. I think air pusher or wind creator would have been more technically correct. i would also suggest wind breaker but a movie called the last wind breaker would probably make the public think it was about farting, and would be very disappointing to movie goers.

so the plot drags on and the airbender gets captured a few dozen times by the same guy and it gets really old. along the way meets other people that can bend other elements and he confesses he needs to learn them all because he's trying to show of for his girlfriend.

I guess Suge Knight Shyamalan wasn't happy with the original film run time and slowed down all the action and battle speeds to half speed so it could stretch the film closer to two hours. i dont really blame him for trying to make the movie longer so ticket buyers would feel like their money was well spent but i just fast forwarded.

later water people are trying to fight the bad guys the fire people. the fire people have to have a bucket of fire with them because they can't create fire. instead of the water people just "bending" the water to fall on the fire and put it out they just fight them with sticks. the fire king then eats a fish and catches on fire. He runs away to do stuff and Suge Knight Shyamalan decides to reference his older movie "lady in the water" and has a lady go into the water. feeled pretty forced but I guess he wanted to show off that he also wrote and directed that movie. Someone at some point around this time in the movie says "let your emotions flow like water"

Water puts out fire. Someone involved with the writing of this movie didn't realize this or something

Anyway the movie ends and sets up for a sequel and then the credits roll.

After seeing blockbusters "Lady in the Water", and "The Happening" I was really excited to see what was next in Suge Knight's world. If I was him I would have put my arch enemies name on the credits instead of my own after watching the final print. I was very disappointed because of the problems listed above and because of the confusing references to James Cameron's "Avatar" I must give this film my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Movie Review: Scott Pilgrim VS. The World (2010)

this is a Movie about Scott Pilgrum (Michael Cera) who has to versus the world.

I have to admit ive been looking forward to seeing this one! unfortunately i missed it in the theater. Having some spare time on my hands i headed to the video store this morning to get it. for some reason none of the local shops i went to had it (sold out? wow popular movie) I was about to give up and just go home and go back to sleep when something caught my eye. some guy i was walking by was selling new releases on a rug. wow! interesting business model. guess he wont have to worry about paying overhead. smart guy

needless to say i bought it and rushed home to watch it. pretty fascinating movie. The plot is Scott Pilgrum (Michael Cera) has to versus the world. turns out the world consists of 7 of his girlfriends exes? does that mean the rest of the cast is from outer space or mars? little bit confusing but this wasn't a normal movie so i suspended my beliefs. it doesn't really get into it much but i think his girlfriend Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is Clementine Kruczynski from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind making this a prequel? I guess she ended up going back to new york later? I don't know but why does hollywood keep making prequels? (i assume it's a prequel because Jim Carry's character Joel doesn't show up which means they haven't dated yet)

It's also impossible to ignore the visual design of this movie. Some stuff was really cool while some stuff i just didn't get. Like all the weird russian writing all over the movie? was this movie made for russia? no wonder it didnt do very well in theaters.

what does this say? i don't want to have to pause the movie and run out and buy a russian translation book!

Most visual effects were really cool and some were just confusing. every now and then there would be a silhouette of someone walking across or something. i know its supposed to be a very stylized movie but that just doesn't make sense.

who are these people? are they allusions to upcoming exes scott must fight? i don't know maybe this movie is too arty for me.

I had high hopes for this but unfortunately hollywood has put out another dud. Another unnecessary prequel and weird and distracting special effects leave me no choice but to give this my lowest rating ** two stars