Speed Racer (2008)

As I was going through my requests today to see which movie I would review I noticed someone had suggested the 2008 film "Speed Racer".

I have boycotted this "film" since it was first announced. Wachowski brothers, best known for their groundbreaking films like "Fargo", "No Country for Old Men", and "Oh brother, Where are thou?", decided to go in a little bit of a different direction with this action packed racing flick.

The reason I boycotted this absolute peice of garbage is because i refuse to watch movies that glamorize the use of drugs to enhance someone so they can win a race!!! Making this film about the abuse of performance enhancing drugs probably led to the 2009 catastrophie of Michael Phelps using marijuana to help him swim faster.

The olympics happened around the same time this movie came out on DVD. I doubt there was anything coincidental about all that.

There are also a few other problems I found with this movie. What the heck were the Wachowski brothers thinking?? After making arty films for college students to talk about, they made this one which was definately a departure from their style. I honestly don't knwo what they were thinking and it must have lost them a lot of money because they returned to form soon after.

Another obvious thing about this is it seems like they were trying to capitalize on the anime craze that was going on at the time by styling this movie like some sort of sci fi anime from Japan. What the heck? I'm surprised they didn't use their film technologie to make their eyes bigger and add those sweat drops on everyone!!! 

Oh a japanese movie, wait no it was made in ameracia!!!!

It may seem unfair to review a movie I haven't seen, but I don't want my money to go in some child raping drug trafficker's pockets by renting this and it's hard to argue the points i've come across. I doubt I even have to write this, but this film deserves my lowest rating, ** two stars.

Hard Ticket To Hawaii (1987)

aS mentioned in my last post, I'm on a mission to find at least ONE movie that I like. I'm taking suggestions from my beloved readers, who are aiding in my quest. Today's suggestion comes from some sick sadomasochist named Rick who suggested "Hard Ticket To Haiwaii". I asked people to recommend their favorite movies, but this prankster either has some sort of majer brain problems or sent me a dud on purpose to waste my time!



this jerk wasted my time!!!!


I've never even heard of this one before, and now I know why!!! Within the first minute we are introduced to a topless woman, in fact this film is filled with bikini clad and topless women. If I hadn't spent countless hours exposing myself to pornography i wouldnt be desensitized to all that and might have gotten at least some joy from the women.

Apparently all of Hawaii there are only like 5 residents and a few tourists. All of the island is policed by two dimwitted lesbians. I feel like I need to mention at this point that this is not a spoof movie like "scarry movie" and it's not a porno. It was actually in theaters.


Pictured above, the lesbian police officers.

Eventually the plot starts to slowly trickle in and some guys on a boat send a toy helicopter to the middle of some forest where the lesbians are hiking through. They find some bags on it and take it. Before they can leave some dudes jump them, they throw a stick and a chinese star a them and get away. When confronting their boss later he mentions that it looks like they had almost been killed. What the heck??? Did they have a 20 minute deadline when writing this thing??

There's also weird skits thrown in, like one where some lady meets up with a fast talking new york television director who attempted to rape her the previous night for lunch. When she mentions the attempted rape he says "that was last night this is today.There's also a scene where some guys dance around on a boat making fun of chinese people.  what the heck??? The movie box said that this was action adventure movie but it seems like its trying harder to be a comedy. But the real problem is the comedy isn't funny and the only action adventure part is a 5 minute frisbee throwing contest!!!



this guy has some pretty fancy moves, but it's not worth watching the whole movie for!!


The plot is the girls found diamonds on that helicopter and some BAD GUYS want them!! It also has stuff like snakes that have been tainted by cancer infested rats and really cheap spy equipment a sprinkled in to keep things "interesting".

This movie is filled with bad acting, bad jokes, unknown actors, and to top it off it was directed by the black sheep of the sadaris family. I hope that rick guy falls off a cliff!!! If it wasn't already obvious, I will be giving this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.


Hopefully the next suggestion will be better!

Are there any good movies???

If you've been keeping up with my blog (and if not, what the heck is wrong with you???) then you should know I haven't found too many movies that i've been fond of. Hollywood only seems to release sequels, prequels, weird arty movies that don't make any sense, and either direct remakes or movies that just rip the plot off of something.

This is where you come in dear reader: I need you to suggest me your favorite movie to review so that maybe i can find a movie i like...

it could be a long shot but i think it'll be worth it. not just for me (dings, my name is dings, hi!) but for USA and the rest of the world!!!

So either send me an email at dingyathome@gmail.com or leave a comment here on the blog

IM COUNTING ON YOU!!!

Toy Story 3 (2010)

In order to score some easy cash, I volunteered to babysit my nephew. Since he's a kid i grabbed a copy of the Toy Story 3 DVD that came out today from a torrent site and headed over. I saw the first Toy Story fifteen years ago, it seemed like an OK movie but I was just a dumb kid so who knows. This movie definately wasn't "OK" It was quite the opposite! According to www.rhymezone.com words and phrases that can mean exactly the opposite as okay are disapprove and reject and i certainly disapprove of this reject!!

This movie has several flaws. The most obvious one is the fact that this movie is the most blatant excuse to sell toys to kids i've ever seen! A movie about a rag tag team of toys where they are contstantly showing off their features! I'm tempted to write a letter to my senator. 

this is my senator. remember to vote republican today!! pictured with him is his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson.

Another obvious one is this one is another awful unnecessary sequel. Disney loves making sequels and as soon as they bought Pixar the sequels have begun to churn out. Coming next year Cars 2! I can't wait!!!!!!

Lets move on to the story. It's about a group of inanimate objects that are loyal to their owner and cross a long distance to find him, find many hardships, encounter evil toys and end up in the dump, only to be saved. Sound familiar? If you're thinking it does it's because its the exact same plot as The Brave Little Toaster!!!

All new movies are either remakes of things from the 80's or blatent rip offs of things from the 80s. Did they honestly think we wouldn't notice??

In the brave little toaster the appliances leave their house, have harsh travels, and eventually wind up in a place they think is good until they realize their new friends are actually evil and send them off to the dump. Later their master finds them and the appliances live happily ever after.

IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only good that (almost) came out of this won was i convinced my nephew that growing up means getting rid of toys and moving on to grown up stuff. He's only 6 but I figured it's good to start early! Also his dad had given him all his vintage star wars toys from the 70's and since he wasn't needing them anymore i volunteered to take them off his hands. (time for ebay account!!! $$$$$$$$) I found a few of his dad's old college text books and traded them to him and bagged up the toys. When his dad finally decided to come home I grabbed my bag and headed out. Unfortunately he got all nosey when he saw his son ripping the pages out of his old textbooks and started asking questions. Now I'm not allowed to babysit anymore!!! GREAT!!!!

also could the pixar animated logo at the beginning of the movie be any longer??? it's almost its own feature length movie!

Because this is another souless cash grabbing story stealing sequel, and one that is invented to sell toys it's a no brainer to award this one with my lowest possinle score, ** two stars.

Saw 3D (2010)

What a wild night I had last night!!! My grandma thought since i spend so much time watching movies by myself that I was lonely!! So she sets me up on a blind date with some girl that goes to her church! GREAT. Grandma sure has been doing as much as she can to screw up my loife! At least I was able to con her out of 40$ to pay for the tickets (and I pocketed the rest!)

I go pick up this girl, she says shes ok with scary movies so I promptly suggest Saw 3D. She hadn't heard of it but agreed and I bought the tickets. She seemed OK except she kept going on and on and stuff her and her friends do! I haven't even met these people and I already hate them! Unfortunately when she asked what i did i mentioned this blog and after the movie she went home and read it. I had forgotten that I had voiced my opinion on women in yesterdays post and she texted me and said a few choice words of her own and now im not allowed to get in contact with her. OH WELL.

Lets get to the movie. I had never seen any saw movies before but I heard they were pretty wild! The movie starts with a girl getting sliced up by her two current boyfriends for revenge. Pretyt gory stuff but I thought she deserved it.




the scariest part of this movie waas the fact that this characters face kinda looked like my grandma...

I guess the theater was too cold or something because that girl kept like hugging on to me for warmth. I suggested she take my jacket so we could enjoy our personal space.

Theres not really a whole lot to say about this movie. Theres not good acting, no real story, and just a bunch of people getting mutilated and stuff! I almost puked my guts out!! I know at least my date did a few times, because she ruined a perfectly good bag of popcorn!!!

 Is this some sick sadomasochists sick wet dream or something??? what the heck!!!!!! I guess instead of trying to make a scary story or bother with any story at all they just have this guy walk around a hallway and watching people get killed in some really messed up ways! Maybe the movie studio accidently ordered too much fake blood so they called director Kevin greutert and asked him to get rid of it.

The 3D effects were the same lame 3D effects all 3D movies use, they just stop the movie and chuck stuff into the audience from time to time. Stuff like bullets, lead pipes ect are constantly finding ways to come your way.  Is this really worth the extra 6$ for the effects? i think id rather just hang out with a buddy (if i had one) and we could chuck stuff at each other while smashing ketchup packages. What a wasted night!




3D effects reached their peak in the 3d episode of "Tool Time"

CHeap 3D effects, no story, bad acting, and another uselesss hollywood sequel leave me no choice but to give this my lowest rating yet, ** two stars


PS: Lucy im sorry..

Paranorman Activity 2 (2010)

I finally made it out to see Paranormal activity 2!!! I didnt think iwas going to be able to make it out (I currently have $0.00 to my name) but i happened to find a ten dollar bill in the garbage!!! Talk about my lucky day!! Another mans trash is another mans treasure, true to the word, amen!

Usually i go to the movies during the day for the cheap 5$ matine but since i was sporting a tenner in my pocket i stepped out into the night and saw a late showing. BAD IDEA. When i go before noon i just get to watch it either by myself or with some retired veterans, which are my preferred company because they like being left alone and they stay quiet!!!

This crowd was a bunch of rowdy teens. i slumped into the only empty row and waited for the movie to begin. Behind me were these two teen girls. I learned a lot about girls during the hour the movie played. Turns out they have to say every single thought that pops into their heads, sometimes as many as five times in a row!

Despite the fact that there was never anything going on in the movie both the girls had to team up and put their wits together to try and figure out the plot. One of these girls was constantly asking who the characters on screen were and the other one kept incorrectly guessing what was going to happen next. THIS is why i plan to live my life celibate!!! Girls just don't have any sort of intuactuality, which is a must for me.






Women may seem enticing, until you start talking to one!!!

Lets get to the movie: I never saw the first one so i didnt know what to expect. Instead of using a film crew they set the movie up that the family has a home security system in their house and a teenage daughter who is obsessed with filming every moment of her life. The first half hour of this so called "film" was just the home security cameras cycling between each camera showing the audience how boring these people are.

At this point I'm wondering how the heck did this movie cost 3 million dollars??? There are no famous actors, special effects, or crew to be seen. it looked mostly improvised and i tried to look but i didnt even see much fancy jewelry or things being exploded. Did they just flush the money down the drain for fun????? what the heck?

so anyway finally this demon comes in, and we learn that despite the title this isn't a sequel but a prequel. great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you're like me you're probably hoping the baby dies the whole movie but it doesn't!!! theres just a bunch of doors opening and closing, then the mom gets super over protective and starts flipping out if anyone wants to look at her precious baby. This baby isn't even special, i've seen smarter babies at the morgue! finally the sister shows up and gets all baby crazy at the end and steals the baby away. Where was the paranormal activity???




If you're hoping to see a scary ghost movie, you're better off watching Casper the Friendly Ghost

So to summerize the movie first we get a family hanging out doing nothing, then some doors start opening and closing, then it was just a bunch of baby crazy women flipping out, followed by the end credits. So far this movie has earned 71 million dollars!!!! from now on i'm just going to film people through their windows and mail it to holly wood and sit back and enjoy the cash flow.

I learned a lot about women both from the movie and from the girls behind me but unfortunately that doesnt mean i can give this a good score. If I wanted to watch something like this I could have gotten a security job and just watched the monitors there!!!! Looks like despite my high expectations I must give this one my lowest rating, ** two stars

Laser Guided Reviews: The Shining

Today i'm turning over my blog to my best friend "laser" who wrote this wonderful review of "The sinning":

So, Dings asked me to do a little write up on a horror movie for his internet weblog. I couldn’t really think of a decent one so I rummaged through my “Box ‘o DVD’s borrowed from former roommates (Non-Porn Edition)” and came up with some shitty art house thing called “The Shinning” from like 1962, done by that guy who invented the Rubik’s Cube. (I’m betting it was Daniel’s, that dude seriously cried when we went to go see Up).
I popped the disc in and what my agile young mind was treated to was something like 43 minutes of a car driving. A car. Driving. I mean, were directors even trying back then? I think  maybe once Under Siege came out, directors figured they could never match that, and either killed themselves or started doing boring book adaptations (I mean, didn’t Segal just wreck in that one ( It’s a total shame he died so soon in Executive Decision. But hey, it was for the greater good (obviously Kurt Douglas wasn’t gonna be able to do it by himself (you know, I used to think that was his first movie, but IMDB says it isn’t (Above the Law is))))).
So, I fell asleep at the aforementioned death march that is the opening credits and woke up to a lady that looks like that Muppet I had suppressed sexual urges for, but with black hair and no guitar.




                                                       Coincidence?

She’s talking to Haley Joel Osment (who appeared in the other Rubik movie A.I.D.) about something-or-the-other when Jack Nichols walks in with an axe and starts chopping into a door whilst screaming sitcom slogans. I sat patiently sat waiting for him to yell “dy-no-mite!”, but instead he runs around a large mansion they are stuck in and then dies in a bush maze.




One of these days Alice, I’m gonna bury an axe in your chest!

Yea. That’s it. No ghouls, no zombies, no statuesque-yet-nonthreatening vampires, just a guy with an axe trying to see what on the inside of his family’s skulls, frozen dead. I give this movie 47 lasers. As many of you know, 47 is not nearly enough to take down a cruiser, but enough to do considerable aesthetic and modest structural damage. Please fly to the garage and pay 5609 credits to repair and begin your next mission.


Why did I waste all my credits from the level 3-2 on the “freeze ray”?