Transformers 2 (2009)

Transformers 2 is a film based on the cartoon series/toy line from the 80's. It's a very weird title for a movie since as far as I know there never was a Transformers 1. Kinda weird!

Jessica Fox/Jessica Rabbit. Who would
you choose?

Anyway this movie is a cartoon/live action movie like Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It stars Shia LaBeauf as a kid who's car is alive and whos parents are burnt out druggies. Unfortunately, unlike Who Framed Roger Rabbit we don't get a hot cartoon babe like Jessica Rabbit, instead we get another coked up unknown model named Jessica Fox. In fact, there aren't ANY cartoon babes in this movie! All the cartoons are big robots, GM vehicles and pyramids.

The story is Shia is trying to go to college so he tells his best friend the car to beat it! So he goes to college and this lady can't keep her paws off of him, much to his cars dismay. (his car beat it for a while but came back). Finally we learn that the lady is actually a robot (it was transformed into a lady) and it got killed.

Screenshot from "Transformers 2"
courtesy of Paramount Pictures.

Then they teleport to Egypt when they learn the bad robots hate historical artifacts and they start punching the shit out of some pyramids. There's some weird Jesus Christ of Nazereth imagery when they bring back Optimus Prime (who is a semi truck) is brought back to life.

They stop the bad robots from killing the pyramids and then the movie ends.

What a terrible movie! I can't believe this was made. I never saw Transformers from the 80's but I was excited to see this movie since they had finally made a new cartoon/live action cross over movie. Too bad they didn't add any hot cartoon babes or even a plot to keep anyone interested! Why the heck did the robots hate Egypt/the pyramids so much??? I don't know!!! Also all the GM product placement got annoying and they probably had to use 100 million dollars worth of CG to make it look like the vehicles were working and to edit out all the times they broke down and caught on fire.

Why the heck did they call this number 2? Planning on making number 1 next as a prequel?? I don't get it. This movie gets my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Drive Angry (2011)

Today we have a special guest reviewer, Humanity! Check him out on twitter! Now I'll turn it over to him:

Some of you might have seen trailers for the new Nicolas Cage movie "Drive Angry" and have been just itching to see it!  I know I have! Being a premiere action star of this century, Cage doesn't turn down any role that involves him and a whole lot of badarsery.  The movie presents the audience with an unheard of situation!  Nick Cage breaks out of hell in an old American muscle car and goes on a quest of vengeance in order to save his last remaining relative before she is sacrificed in the name of satan at midnight!  For those of you who haven't stormed out of your chairs to go watch this from just that description alone, well you're welcome to stay for the entire review.

Being a premiere action star you are granted many perks in the industry.  No self respecting leading male will bother learning his lines these days.  Cage's delivery is so flat and monotone that you start to wonder whether the real reason he wears those sunglasses throughout the movie isn't because he's reading a prompter in
background.  This is character building at it's finest.  You might have expected this and were prepared for bad acting - after all this is a Nicolas Cage film right?? But you really haven't seen bad acting until you've experienced Drive Angry.  The film opens up with our leading character Milton, played by none other than Cage himself,
chasing after some bumpkin satan worshipers.  Milton is a bonafide badarse that drives old muscle cars, wears old leather jackets and shoots stuff with a shotguns.  There is no depth to his character whatsoever nor to the movie itself.  Soon after Milton gets hitched up with the character of Piper, a no-nonsense butt kicking waitress with a southern drawl played by the lovely Amber Heard.  Actually everyone in the movie has a souther drawl.  The two get tangled up in Cage's crazy quest against time and sure enough Piper develops slightly creepy paternal feelings for her relentless companion.  What follows is a lot of car driving, shooting, and complete lack of respect for anyones good taste.  I think I'll stop right there and spare anyone reading the rest of the plot.  I wouldn't want to ruin any of the surprises!  The biggest surprise for the audience must have been the fact that Cage escaping from hell was actually written in as a plot twist into the movie.  Seeing as the trailer spelled out exactly that, it seems strange the feature itself actually tippy toes around the subject until roughly halfway through when they come out and expose this amazing secret.

This is a 3D feature so of course theres plenty of special effects to go around.  There are plenty of objecting exploding and flying at the screen.  Unfortunately the theatre where I attended the showing didn't deem the movie worthy enough of a big auditorium so most of the amazing special 3D effects were lost on me.  The gore level is quite high as the main weapons used all around are shotguns and farm tools. If you enjoy seeing legs and arms getting blown off with chunks of flesh flying everywhere then you are in luck!  There are many comedic moments as well, intentional and not.  A motel shootout scene involves Nick Cage having sex with a waitress while fending off waves of bumpkins storming his room.  Cage is fully clothed during this scene while the waitress is stark naked so don't get your hopes up!  It is very entertaining to see the two roll around in mid-intercourse while avoiding pitchforks and shovels thrust their way.  All scenes involving William Fichtner, who plays the 'Accountant' (from Hell) are quite funny as he speaks in a distorted Agent Smith type voice and gives relentless pursuit to Cage.  The audience was bursting with laughter when the antagonist/satanist of the movie Jonah King(played by Billy Burke) bends over an injured Milton and brings up a bone shaped walking stick announcing "see this femur here?  It's the last thing left of your daughter!"



It's not clear whether Drive Angry was written as a serious action flick or purposefully made to be a "so bad it's good" type of deal. The show this humble reporter attended was compromised of people that knew exactly what they were there for.  Within the first opening lines of the movie everyone was laughing hysterically and the laughs kept on coming.  If you found some money, or are somehow entitled to see this feature for for free then go with some friends and have a good laugh. Nicolas Cage is part of a dying breed of actors that will literally
take any role, any script no matter how awful and revel in it.  Amber Heard is pretty hot but don't get your hopes up for any skin from her, although there is a bit of nudity here and there!

The final verdict is 3 Dings out of 5 simply because I didn't fall asleep and I laughed a lot more than if I were to watch an Adam Sandler comedy.