Black Swan (2010)

Welcome to 2011! This is my first movie review for 2011! Wow! I'm pretty excited! Here goes:

I've overheard people talking about Black Swan at various places since it has come out. At first I thought they had just seen a black swan at the park and were real excited for some reason but as it kept coming up I did some reaserch and well it's a movie! I decided to go see it as part of my NYE celebration (alone, unfortunately).



I think I would have rather seen a nature documentary.


I don't think I can express how P/Oed I was to find out this was a ballet movie!!! Great! I blew my NYE on a girly movie??? Well I already payed my ticket price so I decided to stick with it.

This story is about this selfish girl Nina who, like all girls, must have all the attention all the time. She desperately wants to be the star of this dance and when she doesn't get it she makes out with the director and now suddenly she's the star.

We learn that this girl nearing her 30's still lives with her mom and lives the life of a near baby (which reminds me, I'd better start checking out places to call my own soon..,). Her mom is happy for her getting the role and buys her an expensive cake but Nina has none of that and tries to get her to just throw it away. Why did they make this main character so unlikable??

After all that Nina decides it's time to go out and get drunk and do drugs and get with a few guys (and girls) following this she breaks her moms hand and ruins all her drawings. What the heck?




obviously due to its subject material this movie didn't have a chance

Finally during her performance she turns into a swan briefly (um what???) then just as quickly turns back. Then because she wasn't satisfied with having enough attention she attempts suicide and the movie ends with the audience wondering if she dies or not (hopefully she does)

I can't really find anything good to say about this movie except for the part where I realized it was over. If I wanted to watch a movie about some girl being rude and mean I'd grab the exorcist or something. Is this like a look into what it's like having girls around? I think I might stick to the life of celibacy if that's true. I'm giving this disaster my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Twilight: Eclipse (2010)

Everywhere I turn i see a twilight poster or a tshirt or a billboard or something! Whats the big deal with this??? I did a little research and it's a love story between a vampire a werewolf and some teen girl? Is this a joke?

I've recently seen Dracula so I feel I'm well aquainted with vampires and I've got to say I'm not too impressed. I've run into my share of teen girls, and while they look OK most the time once they open their mouth you'd better hope you've got a pair of earplugs! I don't really know too much about werewolves or love so I decided to pop this one in and get it over with.

Apparently this is part two in a three part series. I missed the first one, though i'm using missed very loosely here!

The plot goes like this: There's this weird lady who is intent on killing Bella (the teenage girl) for seemingly no reason. My guess is she finally realized how annoying teenage girls are and decided to start with some random average girl? I'm not sure but seems logical enough. Both the vampire (not dracula) and the werewolf (maybe The Werewolf) are wanting to protect her. Here's where it gets really weird. Both these guys are like really old. So they're pedophiles? This is what hollywood is making? Pedophile love stories? I don't get it.

Eventually there's this big show down between the vampires/werewolves and these baby vampires that are made out of glass and the "good guys"(pedophiles) win and shatter them all up real good. This part is made even weirder by the fact that the directer (david spade? what the heck? I guess after Chris Farley died he lost his star power and had to resort to filming this kind of stuff? wow.) really loves the opening scene to the X-Men show from the 90's. The way they fight is they both line up and then run at each other and the "bad guys" (non-pedophiles) always lose because they're made out of glass. Finally the movies over after a few false endings and the credits roll Never have I been so happy to see a movie end.




If you've sat through this pile of garbage you know what i'm talking about!!

I can't believe this movie made so much money. And it's mostly teen girls who go see it! Are they all into pedophiles or something or are they just so desperate to see a vampire kiss someone they are willing to part with their hard earned baby sitting money. don't ask me!

This movie deserves my lowest score available, ** two stars for romantisizing pedophilia, ripping off the opening scene to a 20 year old cartoon and for just plain boring the heck out of me!!!

Dig! (2004)

Lately I've been asking for suggestions from my dear readers for movies to review. My goal is to find at least one movie i like! So far no luck. But "Do not give up!" george Washington *our first president* once said.

Todays review, for the movie "DiG!" (thats how they write the movie's name, don't blame me!) comes from some crook that calls himself "kliksf". I should have known what I was in for since this clown can't even give me a real name!!!!!!!!! 

He actually gave me like a whole paragraph of fine films to review, i chose this one because i thought it would be about digging or coal mines or something exciting. I couldn't figure out what the heck they were trying to do with this movie. It's kind of a rip off of the movie "Spine Tap" a "mock"umentry about a fake 80s band. I guess they were trying to out do that film by making it about two fake bands who are stuck in the 60's!




I would have rather watched a movie about this

So anyway the camera crew follows around these two bands as they play to empty rooms and pretend that people like them. Great idea for a movie! At least with spine tap they actually tried to be funny. (but failed because british people are never funny!!!) 

The characters are so over the top they aren't even believable. No way anyone could be this whiney and self important! It was such a snooze fest I found myself often times just refreshing twitter to see if there was anything more interesting going on!

Eventually the two bands get in a fight. There's one "wacky" "genious" that is turned into the villain while the others are turned into the one you're supposed to sympathize with (probable because a girl is in that band and they're trying to push a lesson on us like never be mean to girls) Holylwood cant tell a story without trying to push some biblical lesson or product on us!!!



apparently showers werent in the films budget!!


Because this movie is unoriginal and fails at comedic intent, pushes a lame lesson that would feel more at place in a 60s after school special (maybe because the bands would feel more at home in the 60s they were trying to tie it all together??? i doubt they were that inteligent) and for having no likable characeters i must give this movie my lowest rating, ** two stars.