Super 8 (2011)

Another over hyped summer film. This time it's a spillberg/abrams venture. Like many of Spillberg's earlier films, this one revolved around children fighting aliens.

The story starts with a fat kid who wants to film movies. So right off the bat we get film makers trying to romantasize the industry when in actuallity its nothing but people trying to make as many 80's cartoons into live action as possible. Nice try but i'm not buying it!

Then the rest of the movie shifts focus and suddenly it's a disaster/horror/alien film. Could this movie possibly be anymore schizofrenic/??? Probably not! It draws on many of Spillbergs older films like ET, Jurassic Park, Clash Of The Titons, and War Of The Worlds. It was almost like watching a clip show!

There was also a love story between two 12 year olds. What the heck?? Who wants to think about 12 year olds being sex havers?? Not me. I had when the pedo agenda infultrates hollywood and ruins what could have been at least a decent action movie.

I wonder where the funding
for this movie came from???

Another thing that got distracting was how the director had a real problem operating his cameras. He was always putting his camera at the lights getting these annoying blinding flares that would cover sometimes 50% of the screen. What the heckk?? DDid he even look through the view finder and see what the shot looked like or did he just point and shoot while playing a game on his phone? What a lazy guy. You'd think after all the money hollywood gave him he'd at least make an effort to not film every studio light possible.

This movie has too many faults. Not only does it jump genres so fast you forget what movie you're watching but it's sickening child love story and light/camera issues make it impossible to watch. I give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars

X-Men: First Class (2011)

Summer comic book movie #2. This movie is a first class turd! What a waste of my valuable time.

You may have started getting excited when you learned that you'd get to see the exciting origins of the x0-men. See Maghneto and Professor X become friends and see the x-men form. 

But guess what we get instead??? A boring history lesson disgused as an action movie. Did I really pay 11$ for a school lesson??? What the heck?

The movie starts out in World War One and during the Holocaust. We learn a little about the Holocaust, nazi experiments ect. Your average WW1 history lesson. But we see Magneto there for a little bit so suddenly it's REALLY an xmen movie, right??

Well flash forward a few years and now the focus shifts from WW1 all the way to the cold war. Yeah this movie is about a war where no one does anything!!! But in between clips of JFK speaches and random facts about Russia we see x-men training and blowing stuff up. To the untrained eye we're watching an action film but to a seasoned film buff (like myself) it's easy to see it's actually just a stock footage collection from random History Channel specials inter-weaved with footage they shot of x-men blowing up dummies and cursing. Almost fooled me but not quite!

There was also a bunch of lessons about tolerence and your average "dont judge a book by its color" stuff because you know what makes a 2 hour history lesson more fun? A bunch of preachy life lessoons!!!!!!!

Also I noticed after leaving the movie theater there were a lot of guys waiting by the bathrooms for their girlfriends to come out. I chuckled to myself as I walked past them. What a waste of time! I was able to leave right away since I saw the movie by myself! Nothing can slow me down!!!

There wasn't really any redeaming things about this movie except for a few scenes or girls in their underwear (which was pretty cool! almost worth the price of admission!!!) everything else was just a weird history lesson with seemingly unrelated footage of the xmen flying around blowing things up inbetween. For these reasons I must give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars!

Thor (2011)

Here's the first of thousands of comic book adaptations the summer has to offer this year. Or so it would seem...

I thought this movie was some comic heroe who had a giant hammer and zapped people with lightning. But guess what?? Secretly it's a religious movie like "The Ten Commandments" and The "passion Of The Christ". As we soon learn Thor is actually God. I've never really read too much of the bible or been to church so this must be one of the stories from the begining or something.

In the film we see how God became so Mighty and how the Devil became a fallen angel. As you may already know, God used to be more of a vengeful god (making people kill lambs, putting lamb blood on doors) bassically if you were a lamb or lamb owner God used to really hate you. Apparently he also hated Ice people (who I guess are extinct now).

Now iff you're a Bible nut or whatever you're probably getting pretty excited about this movie reading this. But guess what! They decided to take a few liberties with the story. Ever heard of God having a mom and dad? No, me either. But it's in the movie. Just to make sure I wasn't geting all flustered about nothing I opened up a PDF of a bible and did ctrl + F for "gods mom and dad" "gods dad" "Gods mom" and nothing. What the heck?? I'm surprised there haven't been more protests.

The movie even tosses in a love scene between God and some lady!! I guess they were trying to explain where Jesus came from but I don't think that's how it happened. This movie is pure blasphemousness! I suggest all religious people don't watch this or they'll get really mad!

There was also a lot of stuff about earth in those times that i don't think they portrayed correctly. There definately were'nt cars back in the early days of man. Also no guns or any of the high tech gadgets portrayed in the movie. Was it supposed to be symbolism? I don't know but it definately went over my head. I think they just failed to do any research.

This movie fails as a historically accurate retelling of a Bible story and the writers just felt like adding whatever they wanted! I just don't get how stuff like this even gets made. I'm giving this my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Hangover 2: part two (2011)

One of the summers most anticipated films was The Hangover 2. I was having trouble staying awake today and I found a torrent of a pretty decent bootleg so i figured all i had to lose was time. If only i'd known!

If you've seen the first Hangover movie then you have also seem the Hangeover part two. It's the same movie! I'm pretty sure they just took the first film and used the lasso tool from their movie editing software (for those who aren't film editors from hollywood the lasso tool is used to trace over stuff and cut it out). Anyway, they used the lasso tool and cut out all the characters and then put them into some stock footage of bangcock. This is literally what it takes to make a sequel these days!

They threw in a few scenes that were cut from the first film so it'd seem new to your average movie audience and they replaced the baby with a monkey. They also CGIed in an asian kid to hang out with thtem in some scenes to give it a more eastern flavor but they screwed up because in one scene he suddenly turned into an old man in a wheel chair without explanation. Did the director even watch the final cut or was he too busy trying to think of a way to make a third one with out actually having to pay the actors or writers anything??

Also their jokes seem to be mostly people falling down or cussing. That's it??? If I wanted to see someone fall down and cuss id put a bunch of ice cubes on the stairs and then call grandma up to my room (but i'd be secretly watching behind a chair or something). But I don't want to do that becaues it's possible i'd get grounded.

The fact that a "special edition" of a movie is passed off as a sequel and is one of the most anticipated movies of the year shows how much people either hate themselves or dont care about movies. I must say this film doesn't deserve any praise, for its lack of ideas, overuse of CGI to super impose the actors over cheap chinese stock footage andf for giving me ideas that could possibly get me grounded i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Well its almost summer and we all know what that means! A bunch of dumb sequels and comic book/video game/80s cartoon adaptations.

This movie is both a dumb adaption and a sequel. It's actually an adaptation of a theme park ride from dinsery world! Can you believe it??? Walt must have been sitting on a pile of money ($$$) crossing off a list of things to make movies about and was shocked his beloved pirate ride in his theme park wasn't a multi-movie franchise. Once they've used all the ideas from this will The Mystery Of Splash Mountain be next??? Probably!!!

cool lets make a movie
out of it!!!

I'd never seen any of the other Pirates movies but decided I'd check this one out as I hadn't reviewed a movie in a while and I found 11$ in the gutter. TThey must have really run out of ideas in this one because they were stealing stuff from all sorts of stuff!

Early in the movie Angela gets up on this rafter and starts throwing barrels at Jack Sparrow... sound familiar??? Here maybe this will spark your memory:

Then shortly after Jack hops in an elevator... not unlike another early NES game Elevator Action!


Can you believe it???

Not to mention all the sword fighting they stole from Zoro!

Lets get to the plot now. Everyone is runnign to get to this "fountain of youth" (something obviously lifted from "Tuck Everlasting") Everyone is Black Beard, the Spanish, and the English. They all want to live forever except for the spanish they just want to mess stuff up for no real reason.

Most the movie is just them on boats cleaning the boards or talking about mermaids or whatever. It was like they were just trying to pass as much time as possible. There were several scenes where i could have swore i saw some of the extras checking their watches!!!

There's not really a whole lot to write about. Nothing much happened in this movie except what the director assumed the audience wanted to see. There was plenty of peg leg screen time, sword fights, plank walking, talking parrots. Typical pirate fare. Nothing too exciting. I should havfe left that 11$ in the gutter instead of supporting Walt's idea of entertainment. I give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Taxi Driver (1976)

Everyone has been bugging me to see this movie for a long time. "It's a clasic!" They keep telling me. (they is the recommendations from netflix) so I happened to be in a Blockbuster checking out their going out of business sale and saw this movie at the bottom of the discount bin. I figured I had nothing to lose for 45 cents. I went home and pooped this one in the DVD player and I was whisked away to New York City.

This is a smile. You wont be doing
anything like that while
watching this movie

This movie centers around two characters, Belle Williams, who performs the titular role as the Taxi Driver, and Andy Washburn who detects things while undercover. They meet as the detective needs a taxi (and it's driver) to take him to the scene of some bank robbing crime he heard about. The bank robbers are hot babes!

Belle really wants to be a Nascar driver not a taxi driver and finally when the two solve the mystery of the robbed banks her dream comes true and she drives Nascar and the NYC banks are her sponsors. Happy ending?

These are the hot babes the film has.
Save time and just check out this image
and don't bother with the "film"

No! Because when I saw the credits were rolling I knew I ahd wasted my time with another so-called "classic". How could anyone think this movie was good??? I didn't see any of the "gritty" streets of NYC. In fact Netflix describes this movie to be "Violent, Dark, Gritty, Suspenseful" None of that stuff is true. Were they just trying to sucker some action fans into getting this poorly made comedy because they felt bad about ordering so many copies??? I don't know what the heck they were doing but now I'm mad!!!

Except for the babes who robbed the bank there was nothing in this movie that I would ever want to see again. Since when do women drive nascars and taxis? Did they do any research??? I just don't see the appeal and I'm going to write letters to those who placed this movie in their "top 10 movies you need to see" lists because i just don't agree! I give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars! Leave this one at the bottom of the discount bin.

Battle: Los Angeles - 2011

I don't know what they were thinking when they made this. First of all, it's apparently based off the Rage Against The Machine album of the same name, while also showing what Harvey Dent did before becoming DA of Gotham City. How confusing can it be? Here's an idea, stick with one thing to adapt into a film! That's it's first problem, it doesn't seem confident enough in simply adapting the Rage album into a film but also has to tie into the Dark Knight too just in case Rage fans won't fill all the theaters seats they'll get the Batman buffs in as well.

Speaking of Batman, if Harvey Dent was here, where was he? Was this supposed to be before even Batman Begins? They aren't too clear on anything. 

As far as how they did adapting the rap rock album into a feature, I'm not convinced they did anything but look at the album's title and scan maybe the CD artwork and track listing. Where did they get the aliens from? They didn't mind taking so many liberties with the source material, I think that maybe they ended up taking too many! Who the heck was in charge of this thing???

There were plenty of explosions in this film and that seems to go pretty well with the themes of war they were trying to portray so Good Job on that! There was also some soldiers who seemed well informed on what guns did because they shot them frequently. I was glad to see that. The aleins were like water balloons with weird metal flesh. I didn't really care for that. They were blowing up earth because they wanted to drink all our water. Is that they best the writers could think of? Was he trying to write the film real quick because he was really thirsty and suddenly this genious idea came to him??? PROBEBLY! 

At least there was one good part of
the movie

Because of it's poor adaptation from Rage Against The Machine album and it's weird insertion of Harvey Dent from the Batman universe (which is apparently the same universe this picture takes place in) i (and everyone else) felt let down and too confused. I would run to the boarder if i were the writer or director of this movie because I bet a lot of people will be looking to flip them off. I give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars