Pulp Fictino (1994)

Sorry i'm reviewing all these freaking old as heck movies but i haven't had much money lately so i've been having to stick to whatever comes on HBO.

Speaking of Pulp, has anyone ever had ocean spray orange juice??? WHats with that stuff? It's gross as heck! Ocean Spray? More like skunk spray! That's closer to what it taste's like!!!! I almost barfed 20 gallons of puke when I drank it. I don't know what was happening in my grandma's head when she bought it! She knows I like Minute Made! It was made in a minute and that's something i can respect.

Makes me want to barf just looking at it! Blegh!

As for the movie, it's another hippy drug movie. People are always doing drugs, and of course there's no consequences!!! Just a bunch of drug users throwing up the peace sign and sitting around having drugged up conversations about mcdonalds!

Also what was with the editing in this thing? Did the director keep getting bored with whatever story/character he was on and then switch then suddenly remember he had to finish the other story? This guy must have ADD or something he needs ridalin fast!!!!!!!!

Then towards the end they kept going backwards! What a rip off of Back to the Future! They even actually WENT TO THE 50'S AT ONE POINT. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING! Why do i even watch movies anymore they're all the same!!

Nothing really stood out positive in my head after watching this, not even any real cool swears, but there was a lot of swears so if you have to see this write down the swears and use them if you need to, because there's one for pretty much any situation! As for my rating, it appears i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Thank you.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

HI! I haven't been watching many movies lately (trying to build a ship in a bottle, it's hard as heck!) but I watched this movie last night. First of all... what the heck? What a weird movie... can't believe this got made.

First thing I noticed about it was they kept switching from black and white to color. This was really confusing! One of two things could have caused this. 1. they filmed some of this movie back before movies were colorised (maybe) 2. they kept running out of money and had to borrow their dads old black and white camera (posssibly)

Either one is possible but both don't make sense! If it's been 50+ years since you started your movie and it's still not done then give up! if this happened then can you imagine the amount of money they blew on makeup/wigs ect trying to make the actors look like the actors from the original film?? Why not just refilm it??? Weird...

If they kept running out of money where did they suddenly keep getting the funds?? Allowence every other week? Trading in alluminum cans? We'll never know.

Also the cameras kept flopping all over the place from side to side. Could they not find a sober camera man?? I guess not! If you have to have a camera man who's an alchohalic at least try to limit his daily beer intake until shooting is done. What a bunch of amatures!!!!!

THe plot wasn't much better. It was about two people who just drove around killing people and kissing. I can stand watching some of the cool (but gross as heck) killigs but it's like the directors girl friend was sitting there making sure there was equal amount of kisses to kills. Not cool! How about cut that leash from around your neck, dude???

WB put thsi movie out and it sure WAS wb... weally bad!!!

As you can probably guess I wasn't very impressed with this movie. Too much kissing and the weird budget/time whatever happened to this movie just ruined it. Not really too much I can say positive abotu it except you get to hear a lot of cool swears. I give this "film" my lowest possible rating, ** two stars!!

Super 8 (2011)

Another over hyped summer film. This time it's a spillberg/abrams venture. Like many of Spillberg's earlier films, this one revolved around children fighting aliens.

The story starts with a fat kid who wants to film movies. So right off the bat we get film makers trying to romantasize the industry when in actuallity its nothing but people trying to make as many 80's cartoons into live action as possible. Nice try but i'm not buying it!

Then the rest of the movie shifts focus and suddenly it's a disaster/horror/alien film. Could this movie possibly be anymore schizofrenic/??? Probably not! It draws on many of Spillbergs older films like ET, Jurassic Park, Clash Of The Titons, and War Of The Worlds. It was almost like watching a clip show!

There was also a love story between two 12 year olds. What the heck?? Who wants to think about 12 year olds being sex havers?? Not me. I had when the pedo agenda infultrates hollywood and ruins what could have been at least a decent action movie.

I wonder where the funding
for this movie came from???

Another thing that got distracting was how the director had a real problem operating his cameras. He was always putting his camera at the lights getting these annoying blinding flares that would cover sometimes 50% of the screen. What the heckk?? DDid he even look through the view finder and see what the shot looked like or did he just point and shoot while playing a game on his phone? What a lazy guy. You'd think after all the money hollywood gave him he'd at least make an effort to not film every studio light possible.

This movie has too many faults. Not only does it jump genres so fast you forget what movie you're watching but it's sickening child love story and light/camera issues make it impossible to watch. I give this "film" my lowest possible score, ** two stars

X-Men: First Class (2011)

Summer comic book movie #2. This movie is a first class turd! What a waste of my valuable time.

You may have started getting excited when you learned that you'd get to see the exciting origins of the x0-men. See Maghneto and Professor X become friends and see the x-men form. 

But guess what we get instead??? A boring history lesson disgused as an action movie. Did I really pay 11$ for a school lesson??? What the heck?

The movie starts out in World War One and during the Holocaust. We learn a little about the Holocaust, nazi experiments ect. Your average WW1 history lesson. But we see Magneto there for a little bit so suddenly it's REALLY an xmen movie, right??

Well flash forward a few years and now the focus shifts from WW1 all the way to the cold war. Yeah this movie is about a war where no one does anything!!! But in between clips of JFK speaches and random facts about Russia we see x-men training and blowing stuff up. To the untrained eye we're watching an action film but to a seasoned film buff (like myself) it's easy to see it's actually just a stock footage collection from random History Channel specials inter-weaved with footage they shot of x-men blowing up dummies and cursing. Almost fooled me but not quite!

There was also a bunch of lessons about tolerence and your average "dont judge a book by its color" stuff because you know what makes a 2 hour history lesson more fun? A bunch of preachy life lessoons!!!!!!!

Also I noticed after leaving the movie theater there were a lot of guys waiting by the bathrooms for their girlfriends to come out. I chuckled to myself as I walked past them. What a waste of time! I was able to leave right away since I saw the movie by myself! Nothing can slow me down!!!

There wasn't really any redeaming things about this movie except for a few scenes or girls in their underwear (which was pretty cool! almost worth the price of admission!!!) everything else was just a weird history lesson with seemingly unrelated footage of the xmen flying around blowing things up inbetween. For these reasons I must give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars!

Thor (2011)

Here's the first of thousands of comic book adaptations the summer has to offer this year. Or so it would seem...

I thought this movie was some comic heroe who had a giant hammer and zapped people with lightning. But guess what?? Secretly it's a religious movie like "The Ten Commandments" and The "passion Of The Christ". As we soon learn Thor is actually God. I've never really read too much of the bible or been to church so this must be one of the stories from the begining or something.

In the film we see how God became so Mighty and how the Devil became a fallen angel. As you may already know, God used to be more of a vengeful god (making people kill lambs, putting lamb blood on doors) bassically if you were a lamb or lamb owner God used to really hate you. Apparently he also hated Ice people (who I guess are extinct now).

Now iff you're a Bible nut or whatever you're probably getting pretty excited about this movie reading this. But guess what! They decided to take a few liberties with the story. Ever heard of God having a mom and dad? No, me either. But it's in the movie. Just to make sure I wasn't geting all flustered about nothing I opened up a PDF of a bible and did ctrl + F for "gods mom and dad" "gods dad" "Gods mom" and nothing. What the heck?? I'm surprised there haven't been more protests.

The movie even tosses in a love scene between God and some lady!! I guess they were trying to explain where Jesus came from but I don't think that's how it happened. This movie is pure blasphemousness! I suggest all religious people don't watch this or they'll get really mad!

There was also a lot of stuff about earth in those times that i don't think they portrayed correctly. There definately were'nt cars back in the early days of man. Also no guns or any of the high tech gadgets portrayed in the movie. Was it supposed to be symbolism? I don't know but it definately went over my head. I think they just failed to do any research.

This movie fails as a historically accurate retelling of a Bible story and the writers just felt like adding whatever they wanted! I just don't get how stuff like this even gets made. I'm giving this my lowest possible score, ** two stars.

Hangover 2: part two (2011)

One of the summers most anticipated films was The Hangover 2. I was having trouble staying awake today and I found a torrent of a pretty decent bootleg so i figured all i had to lose was time. If only i'd known!

If you've seen the first Hangover movie then you have also seem the Hangeover part two. It's the same movie! I'm pretty sure they just took the first film and used the lasso tool from their movie editing software (for those who aren't film editors from hollywood the lasso tool is used to trace over stuff and cut it out). Anyway, they used the lasso tool and cut out all the characters and then put them into some stock footage of bangcock. This is literally what it takes to make a sequel these days!

They threw in a few scenes that were cut from the first film so it'd seem new to your average movie audience and they replaced the baby with a monkey. They also CGIed in an asian kid to hang out with thtem in some scenes to give it a more eastern flavor but they screwed up because in one scene he suddenly turned into an old man in a wheel chair without explanation. Did the director even watch the final cut or was he too busy trying to think of a way to make a third one with out actually having to pay the actors or writers anything??

Also their jokes seem to be mostly people falling down or cussing. That's it??? If I wanted to see someone fall down and cuss id put a bunch of ice cubes on the stairs and then call grandma up to my room (but i'd be secretly watching behind a chair or something). But I don't want to do that becaues it's possible i'd get grounded.

The fact that a "special edition" of a movie is passed off as a sequel and is one of the most anticipated movies of the year shows how much people either hate themselves or dont care about movies. I must say this film doesn't deserve any praise, for its lack of ideas, overuse of CGI to super impose the actors over cheap chinese stock footage andf for giving me ideas that could possibly get me grounded i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Well its almost summer and we all know what that means! A bunch of dumb sequels and comic book/video game/80s cartoon adaptations.

This movie is both a dumb adaption and a sequel. It's actually an adaptation of a theme park ride from dinsery world! Can you believe it??? Walt must have been sitting on a pile of money ($$$) crossing off a list of things to make movies about and was shocked his beloved pirate ride in his theme park wasn't a multi-movie franchise. Once they've used all the ideas from this will The Mystery Of Splash Mountain be next??? Probably!!!

cool lets make a movie
out of it!!!

I'd never seen any of the other Pirates movies but decided I'd check this one out as I hadn't reviewed a movie in a while and I found 11$ in the gutter. TThey must have really run out of ideas in this one because they were stealing stuff from all sorts of stuff!

Early in the movie Angela gets up on this rafter and starts throwing barrels at Jack Sparrow... sound familiar??? Here maybe this will spark your memory:

Then shortly after Jack hops in an elevator... not unlike another early NES game Elevator Action!


Can you believe it???

Not to mention all the sword fighting they stole from Zoro!

Lets get to the plot now. Everyone is runnign to get to this "fountain of youth" (something obviously lifted from "Tuck Everlasting") Everyone is Black Beard, the Spanish, and the English. They all want to live forever except for the spanish they just want to mess stuff up for no real reason.

Most the movie is just them on boats cleaning the boards or talking about mermaids or whatever. It was like they were just trying to pass as much time as possible. There were several scenes where i could have swore i saw some of the extras checking their watches!!!

There's not really a whole lot to write about. Nothing much happened in this movie except what the director assumed the audience wanted to see. There was plenty of peg leg screen time, sword fights, plank walking, talking parrots. Typical pirate fare. Nothing too exciting. I should havfe left that 11$ in the gutter instead of supporting Walt's idea of entertainment. I give this film my lowest possible score, ** two stars.