Clerks (1994)

Someone left this "movie" sitting out in the street (vhs, luckily i still have a vhs player) so i decided to pick it up and pop it in and see what its all about. Was only like an hour and a half, didnt have anything to lose right???

wrong! right away i noticed it wasnt in color. i figured it was some b-movie from the 50s or some "classic film". no! it was made in 1994?? what the heck... something seemed fishy here (weren't any fish in the movie, just thought it was odd that it was in black and white.) I guess they thought it'd be "cute" to do it in black and white like movies used to be. dunno why, seemed stupid as heck. they probably could have colorized it with one quarter thrown in the nearest pay phone with a call placed to ted turner. i heard he liked doing stuff like that (old people get weird hobbies when they retire, i dunno...)

someone please attatch them to an email and forrward it to the writers of this movie!

this "mnovie"only focused on two dudes cussing the whole time. did the director really think people wanted to watch a couple of guys cuss for an hour and a half? if they were just trying to make a quick buck from brainless movie goers they probably could have made even more had they just set out a curse jar and avoided the whole film production process!!!!

i didnt really pay a whole lot of attention to the film because i was too busy trying to adjust the settings on my tv to make it color. the best i got was turning it all black so i didnt have to see it. eventually i hit mute and it got a whole lot better!!!!

since this filkm was a low budget swear fest i cant imagine awarding it anything higher than my lowest possible score, ** two stars. thanks for reading! 

the dark night rises (2012)

wow i can't believe I've been neglecting my cool movie review blog. no wonder box office numbers are down so much! no one know what to see!

I couldn't pass up reviewing this years second most anticipated film "The Dark Night Rises" starring bat man.

If you haven't seen the trwo movies before this, the trilogy began with "Bat Man Begins" that showed how mat man began and then it was followed by "The Dark Night" that showed that bat man comes out when its dark (at night). It had the Joker in it.

Warnig, contains spoilers!!!

This new one did not have the joker in it. It had Cat Girl and Bane as the bad guys. This picked up after Batman 2: the Dark Night and bat man broke his leg or something (wasn't explained, guess 3+ hours wasn't enough time to run though some basic facts) and he wasn't fighting crime anymore.

One thing that was annoying was how they had to cut corners to save on budget. they kept showing "flash backs" to the other two movies (not unlike silent night deadly night part 2) (hey that one has night in the title too... coincidence???). In all it probably totaled like 30-45 minutes of flashbacks. Really took me out of the moment. Were they really that desperate to save money?? I guess so.

They also introduced all sorts of new stuff to make toys out of. Bat Bycicle was back but now there was also a bat air plane and an army of bat mobiles the bad guys used. The film producers probably (correctly) though kids would say "Oh there's like 5 in the movie the bad guys have? Guess i gotta buy five of the same toy so i can recreate this scene!" Its always great to spend $11 on a toy commercial!

Then at the end of the movie they blew up the bat plane (probably again hoping kids at home would blow up their toy bat plan so they'd have to keep buying more). The producers just love selling those toys! Too bad they didn't care about competent scripting!

Nothing really happened in the movie either. Bat man took some time off and lived in a whole for a while and bane took over NYC. Then bat man got out of the hole and saved the day. Wow, didn't see that coming, thought for sure bane would win. Real original!!!

They also keep saying "finale of the trilogy" but they set it up for a sequel at the end!! Surprise!! Guess eight bat man movies aren't enough, they gotta keep making them! They introduce a character named "Robbie" at the end who finds the bat cave and apparently if you just happen to wander in the bat cave bat mans suit just rises up (is this where the film title came from) and invites you to put it on. No secret code or anything! 

Lets say some deer just wanders into the cave (been known to happen) it could suddenly see the suit and put it on. Then it'd be bat man deer or something (this idea copyright dings 2012).

So this film was 1. way too long, 2. filled with things only introduced to sell toys 3. filled with clips from the previous movies 4. had a tacked on ending so they could make a 4th one making this one of the biggest duds i have seen since whatever the last movie i reviewed. Very disappointed that i take a break from movies and come back to see they have not improved at all!

For obvious reasons i have to award this film my lowest possible rating, 2 stars (**). 

The Woman in Black (2012)

Finally, a new review by me, dings! Thjis time it's for "The Woman in Black"

Let me first off say i doubt it was a coincidence that they released a movie with the word black in the title during Febuary to cash in on "Black History month". Are they that desperate to get people in the door that they'll tack on the word black so people who are interested in the historical importance of the color this month might check it out? Don't they think people might read up about it first?

This is black. 

Before the movie started i found myself putting my phone on silent, despite the fact that in the five years i've had a cell phone no one has ever called or texted me. Where did I pick up that habit?? oh well.

The movie starts and what the heck? Harry Potter is in it! He must have cast a level 5 boring spell on me because i had a hard time staying awake for the first hour. His journey from london to (whatever small town they made up) was almost filmed in real time.

I know this is supposed to be a horror story but there was something disturbing that happened early in the film. Harry's wife is dead and he has a kid. right before he gets on the train he looks at the kid and says "You look just like your mom" with a lusty tone. really??? again yeah its a horror but do we need the main character to be an incest loving pedophile? I guess so!

Not a whole lot else happens. He runs around in a spook house and cries and kills a few kids. Then he goes swimming in a mud river.

spoiler alert!


then suddenly they decide its time for an ending but i guess they didn't feel like writing an ending because they just tacked on the ending to "drag me to hell" where they get sucked in front of a train and go to hell. wow! great idea guys! did you just hope everyone would have fallen asleep before the end would happen so no one would notice??? well i did!!!!!!!! losers!

you could probably tell by the tone of my review but i didnt much care for this "film"! I give it my lowest possible score, ** two stars! avoid at all costs!

The Muppets (2001)

Since it was Thanksgiving Grandma wasn't as stingy with her money as usual and I was able to pry out the admission cost to see a movie. Still wasn't able to talk her into springing for some extra money so I could get some food but that's what I've come to expect from "The greatest generation".

Since I got there late all the cool movies were sold out so I had to pick the Muppets. I reluctantly purchased my ticket and went in. Right away I noticed there was nothing but children and fat guys who didnt look like they had time to shower in the audience. One of those fat guys had to sit by me. He smelled bad but luckily he was eating his popcorn so fast sometimes a few kernels would fly from his hand and land on me. Free popcorn!!!

The movie started and right away i realized why this wasn't sold out. It was a puppet movie!! With singing! The girl was pretty hot but there werent any nude scenes so she might as well have not even been in it.

Cast of "The Mupets" 2011 Copyright Disney

The plot is this guy has a brother who was a puppet and he loves puppets!! So they go to puppet land (much like toonville from who framed roger ribbit, blatent rip off #1) It turns out the Mupets aren't friends anymore so they go on a road trip to get back together. They get back together and put on one last show to save an orphanage or something but their show isn't very good and they don't make any money.

In short:
Puppets get together to raise money with a show (the show is like 75% of the movie) and the show isn't very good so they don't make enough money.

So you pay $11 to see some puppets put on a show that isn't very good? Someone really thought this would be a good idea? Seriously?

Because of that and because the girl stays over clothed the entire film (what the heck is this, a mormon movie or something?) I give this my lowest possible score, 2 stars **. 

Melancholia (2011)

This is a guest review written by "Humanity" Follow him on twitter here so you can tell him how much you hate him!

Melancholia is a movie about taking baths and the world being angry at
you using all the water so it calls it's friend the big blue planet to
smash into the Earth and kill everyone.  This feautire film is very
artsy so it is split into two parts: the one that is really stupid and
the other one that is really dumb. So basically Kirsten Dunst is this
girl that is really mean to everyone but she has great boobs.  The
director knows that Kirsten Dunst has nice boobs so she is often
showing them off and making a lot of other people jealous.  All her
character really wants to do is take a bath (this is called
foreshadowing, look it up!) but everyone is trying to interrupt her by
throwing a wedding party!!!  Dunst tries a lot of clever ways to take
baths during this wedding night.  The director was very smart, he knew
the script was really short so they film Kirsten Dunst wandering
around the set, going into rooms and the gold course and they just put
it in the movie anyway.  People who know about art can do these sort
of things because it's not dumb in that case it's called being deep or
something, anyway.

In part two Kirsten finally took the bath and is living with her
sister and her boyfriend who is agent Jack Bauer from the hit series
24!  There is a lot of horse riding and they eat meat loaf at some
point.  Ok remember when I told you about the foreshadowing?  I hope
you looked it up because this is where it comes in!  So Kirsten Dunst
takes another bath in this part of the movie and you get to see her
boobs!  Maybe the director used green screen but they looked very
Dunsty so I only assume these are REAL Dunsters D's!  This bath
totally broke the camels back, thats symbolism because the camel is
actually the Earth and it is pissed!  The earth takes out it's planet
size boost mobile phone and calls up the blue planet.  So everyone is
angry at Dunst again because now the blue planet is coming.  The guy
from 24 is so goddamn mad he goes to sleep in the stables and he foams
at the mouth.  Dunst and her sister sit with a kid under some sticks,
obviously they are pretty dumb because those sticks won't stop a
planet.  Everyone dies and the music is way too loud!

Because I hate bathing as much as anyone else I have to give this
movie the lowest possible rating of 2 stars!

Drive (2011)

This is a movie review for Drive.

Once again, another stupid hollywood prequel. This is a prequel to 2011's "Drive Angry". How the heck did they already get a prequel going? Was there really a lot of demand for it? what the heck...

Ryan Gosling (left) stars as the driver, Carey Mulligan as Irene (left)
Promo shot courtesy Bold Films

This one is telling the story about how John Milton (nicholas cage in drive angry) (just refered to as "driver" in this movie and played by someone else) went from just driving to driving angry. Not really something anyone who saw the first movie was probably very interested in. Oh well here we go anyway!

Not a whole lot happens in the movie, just some dude living in an apartment who is really good at driving!! some lady asks the mob if he can be in Nascar. The mob agrees but only if they can kidnap the woman. Everyone agrees and the driver drives nascars until he gets mad as heck that the lady is kidnaped and now he's angry! Cue the credits and now we can watch drive angry knowing how the driver became John Milton.

No one cared how he became JOHN MILTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Aren't they a little late for the nascar "craze"?? Remember when everyone was talking about nascar for like two weeks?? Yes, I didn't capitilize nascar on purpose. I hope some miller lite swigging texans don't flip out and say mean things to me!! I also didn't capitalize texas. Deal with it!!!

What a stupid movie!! I can't believe i sat through all of that. Good grief! It goes without saying that i've got to give this movie my lowest possible rating, ** two stars 

Pulp Fictino (1994)

Sorry i'm reviewing all these freaking old as heck movies but i haven't had much money lately so i've been having to stick to whatever comes on HBO.

Speaking of Pulp, has anyone ever had ocean spray orange juice??? WHats with that stuff? It's gross as heck! Ocean Spray? More like skunk spray! That's closer to what it taste's like!!!! I almost barfed 20 gallons of puke when I drank it. I don't know what was happening in my grandma's head when she bought it! She knows I like Minute Made! It was made in a minute and that's something i can respect.

Makes me want to barf just looking at it! Blegh!

As for the movie, it's another hippy drug movie. People are always doing drugs, and of course there's no consequences!!! Just a bunch of drug users throwing up the peace sign and sitting around having drugged up conversations about mcdonalds!

Also what was with the editing in this thing? Did the director keep getting bored with whatever story/character he was on and then switch then suddenly remember he had to finish the other story? This guy must have ADD or something he needs ridalin fast!!!!!!!!

Then towards the end they kept going backwards! What a rip off of Back to the Future! They even actually WENT TO THE 50'S AT ONE POINT. I'M NOT EVEN JOKING! Why do i even watch movies anymore they're all the same!!

Nothing really stood out positive in my head after watching this, not even any real cool swears, but there was a lot of swears so if you have to see this write down the swears and use them if you need to, because there's one for pretty much any situation! As for my rating, it appears i must give this my lowest possible score, ** two stars. Thank you.